vms26
25-04-16, 21:53
After years of going it alone I've finally decided to ask for / accept help. I have been suffering (and I have suffered!) with HA for 13 years and I'm so tired of trying to do it alone. Very few people 'get it', I don't think you can grasp how absolutely mind numbingly frightening it can be unless you've had the misfortune to experience it. I'm seen as a very strong, no nonsense person (HA makes me feel weak) so find it difficult to discuss with others. Obviously the doctors at my surgery know me too well, embarrassingly so, I apologise every time I go in. Nothing will keep me away. In fact I'm back there this Thursday. (Agonisingly, it can take two weeks to get an appointment). This time I have stomach cancer or liver cancer or maybe even pancreatic cancer. I think we'll go with stomach this time. How did it all begin? I can be pretty accurate. Stress was beginning to build due to a bad relationship, having an autistic son, exams, living in a terrible place, putting on weight and a counsellor's careless comment:'It's not a question of 'if' you get diabetes but 'when''. I began to check myself, 'listen' to my body for the signs of diabetes and I began to get anxious without realising it. Finally, I had a panic attack. I had no idea what it was. I rang my doctor, he rang an ambulance (up to this point I rarely went to the doctors, in fact when I did I thought it was quite exciting. Oh the arrogance of youth! I laughed in the face of an ectopic). The paramedics did an ECG, looked at each other (I saw the look!) and put GTN under my tongue. In the hospital, strapped to the monitor, I could hear that my heart rate was all over the place which sent my anxiety soaring. Chest X ray, pressing on my carotid, Warfarin, blood tests, nothing helped/nothing wrong but eventually my heart rate steadied itself. I stayed in overnight and it happened again but they still didn't know why, or they weren't telling me. As I didn't smoke or drink I was simply told to stop drinking green tea. I was discharged the next day with beta blockers but no-one told me what had happened. I was back in the next night but even though I thought I was dying there was nothing wrong with me. If only someone had said that it was probably a panic attack it may have stopped there and would've saved the NHS £1000s. (They did do a 48 hour ECG which showed I have a heart anomaly but was told it was normal for me). The next two years were a living hell of 'listening' to my heart beat all of the time and thinking I was going to die every day. In the past I've had virtually all of the cancers on offer (not testicular, I'm female. My brother had it though), MS, and a brain tumour (my migraines changed and I began to see auras and parts of my vision disappeared. THAT was freaky!) I think that's all. It's a good job I'm not scared of needles because the amount of blood I've given could more than fill a Marc Quinn head. I enjoyed the MRI scan though, I have never felt so relaxed in my life! So, I find myself trying to come off antidepressants in order to lose weight because we all know what obesity leads to, don't we?! (Ha, still not diabetic! In your face, counsellor. So who has had the last laugh?! Um...definitely not me). I am also surrounded by people with 'real' complaints; my son is struggling with various serious ailments and I have two friends with terminal cancer. What does that make me? A fraud. I need and want to get myself sorted out, for my sanity and for my children who are also showing signs of HA.
I realise that this is a very long post and perhaps/probably no-one will read it. For me though, it's a first step and has been quite therapeutic. I'm trying to do something and I'm trying to involve others in the process. I'm asking for help. Thank you.
I realise that this is a very long post and perhaps/probably no-one will read it. For me though, it's a first step and has been quite therapeutic. I'm trying to do something and I'm trying to involve others in the process. I'm asking for help. Thank you.