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25-04-16, 23:08
Hi everybody.
I've been feeling much better of late, and I just wanted to share a few thoughts on how I feel I've got to this place. This will all be very subjective, but at the same time, I believe the path I've chosen can work for anyone (although some may have deeper seated issues than me). I'm no expert on mental health or treating anxiety disorders, so all I can do is share how I'm dealing with it and then if it helps anyone at all, that's great. Health anxiety is not the central theme of my condition. For me, it's more of a general feeling of unease and physical sickness. However, I post most frequently in here and you could probably come up with reasons why this doesn't belong in any of the different forums, so I'll put it here for now.
Anyway, just a short bit of background so you know what I've been up against. Basically, it all began with a really intense panic attack at work back in January. Unable to move on from the event, I continued to worry, to feel ill and to experience sensations of deep fear and panic. I was convinced I was seriously ill or dying. I've actually been an anxious person for my whole life, but this was the point at which it went from being something ordinary to something that was going to ruin my life. I couldn't get a straight answer about what was wrong with me. I ended up in hospital, expecting to be told it was a brain tumour or motor neurone disease or MS. Diabetes was ruled out by blood tests, which was good news, but given my diet, I couldn't believe it! The fact it wasn't diabetes actually left me a bit confused and more scared. There were times in hospital when I thought I was swallowing my tongue, losing sensation in my face, arms, legs etc. I thought I was a goner. Then they came and told me I had to go home.
To try and keep a long story as short as possible, I never got told what was wrong with me. Nobody said "you had a panic attack and you have anxiety". My discharge notes did state hyperventilation and anxiety were the suspect, and this was the start of my journey. I continued to feel ill and was well on the way to agoraphobia. I didn't really know much about panic and anxiety, so when my GP prescribed Sertraline and Propranolol (plus CBT), I just went with it. Before I knew it, I was on medication. I now know I had more choice in that area than I thought, but at the time, I just did what I was told.
Adapting to the Sertraline was the hardest thing I've ever been through. More on that later. However, I'm in a much, much better place now. As far as I can tell, there are four things that have been key to getting me back on my feet and feeling vaguely human again. I'm not recovered, but I've moved forward and gotten my life back very quickly. Here's what helped me, in reverse order from fourth most effective to the most effective:
4. Friends/Family/Keeping Busy/No More Panic
I've lumped all these together as, for me, they're all connected. Keeping in touch with friends, talking to family, spending time in the company of good people who care about me, keeping my mind active and occupied and sharing my feelings on here have all been a huge help. Sometimes I have to force myself to do things. It can be hard, especially if I feel physically unwell. However, I've noticed that intensity of my suffering is almost always lessened by being engaged with the world. I live in west London and I often find that simply finding somewhere to sit and watch planes coming into Heathrow can be enough to get my focus away from me onto something else. Work has been tricky because I had my catastrophic event there, but after a ropey start, I now feel better there than I do at home alone. I have amazing colleagues and supportive bosses, which is so beneficial. As for No More Panic, this place has helped me get away from Dr Google. I can ask questions here knowing I'll get sensible answers from people who won't say anything unless they feel they have something to offer. I haven't consulted Dr Google in months now. I'm no longer interested in what he/she has to say.
3. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
I was very lucky to get into therapy quickly. My overall experience has been hit and miss. I have a really great therapist who I get on well with and is doing the best with the tools at his disposal, but I feel that the NHS doesn't provide the best tools in this area. Nevertheless, if you engage with CBT and really take it on board, it can be very helpful. Not every technique I've learned suits me. Some of them I almost chuckle at when he suggests them. They just seem daft. But others have really helped me reorder my thoughts and understand my symptoms. I've also learned to relax. I've never had any problem lounging around doing nothing, but I realise now that relaxation is so much more than this. I've found various things that bring on intense feelings of relaxation that I never knew I could experience. I would encourage anyone to give CBT a try, don't be discouraged when you don't feel fixed after one session, be prepared to see it as self-help and make sure you throw your all into it. But on the flip side, don't spend all your time engaged in CBT activities. I feel that too much 'homework' just serves to build anxiety into a bigger part of your life. It shows it too much respect. Try to strike a balance between employing the techniques you learn and engaging in activities that have nothing to do with anxiety.
2. Medication
Such a difficult subject. Medication for anxiety isn't like antibiotics, where you take them and your infection goes away. They can't just scrub anxiety out. Some people feel worse for taking them. Some don't feel worse but see little benefit. Others may experience improvements but also struggle with side effects that lead them to quit. Going on medication should be your decision and yours alone. Talk to your GP, and be prepared to experiment in terms of finding the right drugs and the right doses (by which I mean, in consultation with your doctor - don't just throw three Diazepam down your neck instead of one!). Speaking of Diazepam, I actually found the benzodiazepines of very little help. I know they're only for short-term use, but they didn't really do much for me. The first Diazepam I took was amazing. It knocked me out pretty much. I loved it. But I barely felt it ever again. I was tried on Lorazepam as well, but this was the same - the first pill made me feel great, but it never worked again.
I'm no fan of the benzoes. I feel that the negatives outweight the positives. If you're in a crisis, as I was on a few occasions, they're useful and I took them for that reason. But short-term solutions are not really solutions at all. I had one nasty panic attack because I thought I was experiencing withdrawal after ending my course of Diazepam. I wasn't. The drug's fearsome reputation had just got inside my anxious mind.
I'm also on Propranolol (a beta blocker, for those that don't know). This tackles only the physical symptoms of panic, taking the edge off heart palpitations and adrenaline rushes. I can't say if it has been helpful, but I suspect it has. I think I'm able to increase my dose and will talk to my GP about doing this next time I see her. If she says it's doable, I'll do for it. If I can take the remaining sting out of my physical symptoms, I'll be well on my way with all this.
Then we come to Sertraline. As I've already said, I had the hardest time of my life adjusting to this stuff. It was harder than the anxiety itself. I thought I was losing my mind. I was completely robbed of my emotions. Of course, these symptoms can happen with anxiety, but both myself and my doctor feel that the Sertraline was the culprit in my case. It's well known for doing this. The loss of emotion was utterly terrifying. I thought I was about to lose my mind. I couldn't feel love for anyone or anything. I thought I might even become dangerous (don't worry - I wasn't and I'm not). This is just my experience - please don't let it scare you. Sertraline is a very good medicine, and having come through that awful time, I'm now doing better than ever. It was worth the struggle. I still have side effects, mainly weight gain, but it's worth it. The Sertraline has helped me employ rational thought again. It's helped me see the total pointlessness of a lifetime's worry. It's helped me feel like me again. But a better me. I'm not 100% by any means, but I dread to think how I'd be without this drug. Ultimately I want to get off it, but I won't rush into it.
1. Acceptance and the Right Information
There's so much information out there on anxiety. There are so many people offering advice, some of it useful, a lot of it wishful thinking. As far as I'm concerned, the only books I need are by Claire Weekes and Paul David. The latter's work has proven particularly helpful, as has his amazing website. Paul David's writing is repetitive and sometimes a little clumsy, but he's not a natural writer. He's just a former anxiety sufferer who wanted to share how he recovered. And he did recover completely. I don't mind the deficiencies in his writing because his lessons make so much sense, for me anyway. So many people have found peace after reading his books. Paul David and to some extent Claire Weekes have found the most effective route back to full health in my opinion. It's not an easy route by any means. It requires determination and commitment. But I believe in it. I now accept however I feel. I no longer fear the physical symptoms. Do I care if I feel like choking? Nope. Do I care if I tremble? Not one bit. Do I care if my stomach churns? Well, yes. It's not very nice. But I don't fear. I've stopped creating catastrophic stories around every symptom. I just let anxiety play out in my life as it chooses. Though CBT has taught me how to challenge my thoughts and think more positively, I know longer get in wrestling matches with my mind if I feel down or something bad appears up there. I am not my thoughts and you are not your thoughts. If my mind wants to go somewhere, I just let it and don't react. I don't make a mountain out of an internal mole hill. My mind can do as it pleases. I reiterate - I am not my thoughts.
So Where Do I Go From Here?
I still feel like rubbish at times. Sometimes, in the mornings, when I first wake up, I think I'm back to square one. I had a day off work today which meant no obvious reason to get up. It took me ages to get out of bed. I just felt like garbage. But I always improve when my feet hit the carpet. By the time I'm showered, I'm in a better place. For me, the next step is to make some big changes in my life. Here are the changes I still need to make on my journey to a more positive future:
1. Stop Procrastinating
I do this a lot. Life is passing by in the blink of an eye, but I too often let low mood get in the way of things I want to do. A prime example is my blog. It's nothing to do with anxiety, just something I love to do. Writing has always been the thing I'm best at. But I put off working on it, even though I love it. I can literally procrastinate for months when it comes to my blog. But there are other things too. I need to find somewhere new to live. That could be a real boost. In so many ways, I need to stop holding back. Life, sadly, is finite, and I don't believe in God, so yeah...
2. Sort myself out
A very generic statement, but it really means something. I need to lose weight. Last year I ran a half marathon. I was in the process of finally getting fit and enjoying it so much. Somehow I ran out of steam. I think maybe there was a hint of depression involved, but it doesn't matter. It's time to get back on it, especially now the Sertraline has given me the appetite of a very hungry horse. I also need to improve the way I care for myself. I do the bare minimum and always have. I think the anxiety I've lived with all my life has sapped my energy and prevented me from becoming a proper adult. I need to be tidier and take more pride in my life and how I live. I also need to get my diet sorted. I don't believe that diet is the be all and end all when it comes to recovering from anxiety, but you can't really lose if you eat healthily. It's going to have positive outcomes. It's tricky because I share a small living space with three other people and I'm single so I'm only ever cooking for one, which makes meal planning so hard and I always end up throwing food out. Plus, I come home from work and can never be bothered to cook properly. It's time to get my act together in that area, even if that means throwing money at something like Hello Fresh.
3. See My Family More
Not the Robert Lindsay sitcom (you'll need to be British to get that one), as that would only make me worse. I live in London but I'm from Liverpool and all my family is up there. My mum and dad are in their 60s now. My dad seems to be in good health, but my mum has MS and type 2 diabetes. I need to make the most of them while they're around. When you have anxiety, people who care about you can make such a difference. I was home a few weeks ago and my six-year-old niece took up so much of my time that I barely had time to think of anxiety. We went a restaurant and she said I was her favourite person at the table - imagine what a boost that was to me! I have a two-year-old nephew as well. These two are probably one of the most important factors in recovering. Hopefully, when they're grown up, I'll be able to tell them they helped to cure me of it. But in the meantime, I need to actually be there to let them!
4. Stop Worrying!
It's only human to worry and I don't intend to try to banish it from my life. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. But I can change how I react to worry and how I react to adverse situations. Almost none of the things I've worried about have come true. Even some things that have come true, such as losing my job, have turned out to be positive things. I'm in a job I love now, but I'm on a fixed term contract so if they don't keep me on, I'll have to find something else. In the past, that would bring me out in cold sweats. Indeed, starting new jobs used to do things to my bowels that shouldn't be described. I'm done with fretting over things like that. These things will always work themselves out. And then one day, to put it bluntly, I'll be dead and it won't matter anyway!
Make More Time for the Things I Enjoy
Everyone with anxiety needs to do this, from those with mild health anxiety to the worst agoraphobic. The biggest mistake people make is thinking they can't have a life until they get better. This is the main reason some poor people stay stuck for such a long time (in my opinion, anyway). I need to make sure I go on holiday, read books that aren't anxiety self-help books, go running, eat out at restaurants, go on planes, watch planes, write more blog posts, meet my friends. I could go on. To put it simply, I need to make sure I have a life, no matter what my anxious mind and body think about that idea.
Anyway, I've gone on and on. I hope something in this can prove helpful to someone. It's a very personal explanation for how I've improved my situation and intend to keep on improving. There's nothing special about me. Healing is there in all of us as long as we want it enough and allow it to come to us in its own time. You don't need to fight anxiety. Too often it is framed in the terms of a fight, of a battle. I gave up the fight. This is not to say I threw in the towel. It just means I stopped trying to chase away my feelings and symptoms. I let it all come and do as it pleases. It's really tough at times, but it's working. This, of course, is inspired by Claire Weekes and Paul David. For me, this is the only approach you need. Combined with the right attitude, the right medication if you decide to take it, the right CBT techniques and the right information, I will recover, and so will anybody else.
Thanks for reading. :yesyes:
Michael
I've been feeling much better of late, and I just wanted to share a few thoughts on how I feel I've got to this place. This will all be very subjective, but at the same time, I believe the path I've chosen can work for anyone (although some may have deeper seated issues than me). I'm no expert on mental health or treating anxiety disorders, so all I can do is share how I'm dealing with it and then if it helps anyone at all, that's great. Health anxiety is not the central theme of my condition. For me, it's more of a general feeling of unease and physical sickness. However, I post most frequently in here and you could probably come up with reasons why this doesn't belong in any of the different forums, so I'll put it here for now.
Anyway, just a short bit of background so you know what I've been up against. Basically, it all began with a really intense panic attack at work back in January. Unable to move on from the event, I continued to worry, to feel ill and to experience sensations of deep fear and panic. I was convinced I was seriously ill or dying. I've actually been an anxious person for my whole life, but this was the point at which it went from being something ordinary to something that was going to ruin my life. I couldn't get a straight answer about what was wrong with me. I ended up in hospital, expecting to be told it was a brain tumour or motor neurone disease or MS. Diabetes was ruled out by blood tests, which was good news, but given my diet, I couldn't believe it! The fact it wasn't diabetes actually left me a bit confused and more scared. There were times in hospital when I thought I was swallowing my tongue, losing sensation in my face, arms, legs etc. I thought I was a goner. Then they came and told me I had to go home.
To try and keep a long story as short as possible, I never got told what was wrong with me. Nobody said "you had a panic attack and you have anxiety". My discharge notes did state hyperventilation and anxiety were the suspect, and this was the start of my journey. I continued to feel ill and was well on the way to agoraphobia. I didn't really know much about panic and anxiety, so when my GP prescribed Sertraline and Propranolol (plus CBT), I just went with it. Before I knew it, I was on medication. I now know I had more choice in that area than I thought, but at the time, I just did what I was told.
Adapting to the Sertraline was the hardest thing I've ever been through. More on that later. However, I'm in a much, much better place now. As far as I can tell, there are four things that have been key to getting me back on my feet and feeling vaguely human again. I'm not recovered, but I've moved forward and gotten my life back very quickly. Here's what helped me, in reverse order from fourth most effective to the most effective:
4. Friends/Family/Keeping Busy/No More Panic
I've lumped all these together as, for me, they're all connected. Keeping in touch with friends, talking to family, spending time in the company of good people who care about me, keeping my mind active and occupied and sharing my feelings on here have all been a huge help. Sometimes I have to force myself to do things. It can be hard, especially if I feel physically unwell. However, I've noticed that intensity of my suffering is almost always lessened by being engaged with the world. I live in west London and I often find that simply finding somewhere to sit and watch planes coming into Heathrow can be enough to get my focus away from me onto something else. Work has been tricky because I had my catastrophic event there, but after a ropey start, I now feel better there than I do at home alone. I have amazing colleagues and supportive bosses, which is so beneficial. As for No More Panic, this place has helped me get away from Dr Google. I can ask questions here knowing I'll get sensible answers from people who won't say anything unless they feel they have something to offer. I haven't consulted Dr Google in months now. I'm no longer interested in what he/she has to say.
3. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
I was very lucky to get into therapy quickly. My overall experience has been hit and miss. I have a really great therapist who I get on well with and is doing the best with the tools at his disposal, but I feel that the NHS doesn't provide the best tools in this area. Nevertheless, if you engage with CBT and really take it on board, it can be very helpful. Not every technique I've learned suits me. Some of them I almost chuckle at when he suggests them. They just seem daft. But others have really helped me reorder my thoughts and understand my symptoms. I've also learned to relax. I've never had any problem lounging around doing nothing, but I realise now that relaxation is so much more than this. I've found various things that bring on intense feelings of relaxation that I never knew I could experience. I would encourage anyone to give CBT a try, don't be discouraged when you don't feel fixed after one session, be prepared to see it as self-help and make sure you throw your all into it. But on the flip side, don't spend all your time engaged in CBT activities. I feel that too much 'homework' just serves to build anxiety into a bigger part of your life. It shows it too much respect. Try to strike a balance between employing the techniques you learn and engaging in activities that have nothing to do with anxiety.
2. Medication
Such a difficult subject. Medication for anxiety isn't like antibiotics, where you take them and your infection goes away. They can't just scrub anxiety out. Some people feel worse for taking them. Some don't feel worse but see little benefit. Others may experience improvements but also struggle with side effects that lead them to quit. Going on medication should be your decision and yours alone. Talk to your GP, and be prepared to experiment in terms of finding the right drugs and the right doses (by which I mean, in consultation with your doctor - don't just throw three Diazepam down your neck instead of one!). Speaking of Diazepam, I actually found the benzodiazepines of very little help. I know they're only for short-term use, but they didn't really do much for me. The first Diazepam I took was amazing. It knocked me out pretty much. I loved it. But I barely felt it ever again. I was tried on Lorazepam as well, but this was the same - the first pill made me feel great, but it never worked again.
I'm no fan of the benzoes. I feel that the negatives outweight the positives. If you're in a crisis, as I was on a few occasions, they're useful and I took them for that reason. But short-term solutions are not really solutions at all. I had one nasty panic attack because I thought I was experiencing withdrawal after ending my course of Diazepam. I wasn't. The drug's fearsome reputation had just got inside my anxious mind.
I'm also on Propranolol (a beta blocker, for those that don't know). This tackles only the physical symptoms of panic, taking the edge off heart palpitations and adrenaline rushes. I can't say if it has been helpful, but I suspect it has. I think I'm able to increase my dose and will talk to my GP about doing this next time I see her. If she says it's doable, I'll do for it. If I can take the remaining sting out of my physical symptoms, I'll be well on my way with all this.
Then we come to Sertraline. As I've already said, I had the hardest time of my life adjusting to this stuff. It was harder than the anxiety itself. I thought I was losing my mind. I was completely robbed of my emotions. Of course, these symptoms can happen with anxiety, but both myself and my doctor feel that the Sertraline was the culprit in my case. It's well known for doing this. The loss of emotion was utterly terrifying. I thought I was about to lose my mind. I couldn't feel love for anyone or anything. I thought I might even become dangerous (don't worry - I wasn't and I'm not). This is just my experience - please don't let it scare you. Sertraline is a very good medicine, and having come through that awful time, I'm now doing better than ever. It was worth the struggle. I still have side effects, mainly weight gain, but it's worth it. The Sertraline has helped me employ rational thought again. It's helped me see the total pointlessness of a lifetime's worry. It's helped me feel like me again. But a better me. I'm not 100% by any means, but I dread to think how I'd be without this drug. Ultimately I want to get off it, but I won't rush into it.
1. Acceptance and the Right Information
There's so much information out there on anxiety. There are so many people offering advice, some of it useful, a lot of it wishful thinking. As far as I'm concerned, the only books I need are by Claire Weekes and Paul David. The latter's work has proven particularly helpful, as has his amazing website. Paul David's writing is repetitive and sometimes a little clumsy, but he's not a natural writer. He's just a former anxiety sufferer who wanted to share how he recovered. And he did recover completely. I don't mind the deficiencies in his writing because his lessons make so much sense, for me anyway. So many people have found peace after reading his books. Paul David and to some extent Claire Weekes have found the most effective route back to full health in my opinion. It's not an easy route by any means. It requires determination and commitment. But I believe in it. I now accept however I feel. I no longer fear the physical symptoms. Do I care if I feel like choking? Nope. Do I care if I tremble? Not one bit. Do I care if my stomach churns? Well, yes. It's not very nice. But I don't fear. I've stopped creating catastrophic stories around every symptom. I just let anxiety play out in my life as it chooses. Though CBT has taught me how to challenge my thoughts and think more positively, I know longer get in wrestling matches with my mind if I feel down or something bad appears up there. I am not my thoughts and you are not your thoughts. If my mind wants to go somewhere, I just let it and don't react. I don't make a mountain out of an internal mole hill. My mind can do as it pleases. I reiterate - I am not my thoughts.
So Where Do I Go From Here?
I still feel like rubbish at times. Sometimes, in the mornings, when I first wake up, I think I'm back to square one. I had a day off work today which meant no obvious reason to get up. It took me ages to get out of bed. I just felt like garbage. But I always improve when my feet hit the carpet. By the time I'm showered, I'm in a better place. For me, the next step is to make some big changes in my life. Here are the changes I still need to make on my journey to a more positive future:
1. Stop Procrastinating
I do this a lot. Life is passing by in the blink of an eye, but I too often let low mood get in the way of things I want to do. A prime example is my blog. It's nothing to do with anxiety, just something I love to do. Writing has always been the thing I'm best at. But I put off working on it, even though I love it. I can literally procrastinate for months when it comes to my blog. But there are other things too. I need to find somewhere new to live. That could be a real boost. In so many ways, I need to stop holding back. Life, sadly, is finite, and I don't believe in God, so yeah...
2. Sort myself out
A very generic statement, but it really means something. I need to lose weight. Last year I ran a half marathon. I was in the process of finally getting fit and enjoying it so much. Somehow I ran out of steam. I think maybe there was a hint of depression involved, but it doesn't matter. It's time to get back on it, especially now the Sertraline has given me the appetite of a very hungry horse. I also need to improve the way I care for myself. I do the bare minimum and always have. I think the anxiety I've lived with all my life has sapped my energy and prevented me from becoming a proper adult. I need to be tidier and take more pride in my life and how I live. I also need to get my diet sorted. I don't believe that diet is the be all and end all when it comes to recovering from anxiety, but you can't really lose if you eat healthily. It's going to have positive outcomes. It's tricky because I share a small living space with three other people and I'm single so I'm only ever cooking for one, which makes meal planning so hard and I always end up throwing food out. Plus, I come home from work and can never be bothered to cook properly. It's time to get my act together in that area, even if that means throwing money at something like Hello Fresh.
3. See My Family More
Not the Robert Lindsay sitcom (you'll need to be British to get that one), as that would only make me worse. I live in London but I'm from Liverpool and all my family is up there. My mum and dad are in their 60s now. My dad seems to be in good health, but my mum has MS and type 2 diabetes. I need to make the most of them while they're around. When you have anxiety, people who care about you can make such a difference. I was home a few weeks ago and my six-year-old niece took up so much of my time that I barely had time to think of anxiety. We went a restaurant and she said I was her favourite person at the table - imagine what a boost that was to me! I have a two-year-old nephew as well. These two are probably one of the most important factors in recovering. Hopefully, when they're grown up, I'll be able to tell them they helped to cure me of it. But in the meantime, I need to actually be there to let them!
4. Stop Worrying!
It's only human to worry and I don't intend to try to banish it from my life. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. But I can change how I react to worry and how I react to adverse situations. Almost none of the things I've worried about have come true. Even some things that have come true, such as losing my job, have turned out to be positive things. I'm in a job I love now, but I'm on a fixed term contract so if they don't keep me on, I'll have to find something else. In the past, that would bring me out in cold sweats. Indeed, starting new jobs used to do things to my bowels that shouldn't be described. I'm done with fretting over things like that. These things will always work themselves out. And then one day, to put it bluntly, I'll be dead and it won't matter anyway!
Make More Time for the Things I Enjoy
Everyone with anxiety needs to do this, from those with mild health anxiety to the worst agoraphobic. The biggest mistake people make is thinking they can't have a life until they get better. This is the main reason some poor people stay stuck for such a long time (in my opinion, anyway). I need to make sure I go on holiday, read books that aren't anxiety self-help books, go running, eat out at restaurants, go on planes, watch planes, write more blog posts, meet my friends. I could go on. To put it simply, I need to make sure I have a life, no matter what my anxious mind and body think about that idea.
Anyway, I've gone on and on. I hope something in this can prove helpful to someone. It's a very personal explanation for how I've improved my situation and intend to keep on improving. There's nothing special about me. Healing is there in all of us as long as we want it enough and allow it to come to us in its own time. You don't need to fight anxiety. Too often it is framed in the terms of a fight, of a battle. I gave up the fight. This is not to say I threw in the towel. It just means I stopped trying to chase away my feelings and symptoms. I let it all come and do as it pleases. It's really tough at times, but it's working. This, of course, is inspired by Claire Weekes and Paul David. For me, this is the only approach you need. Combined with the right attitude, the right medication if you decide to take it, the right CBT techniques and the right information, I will recover, and so will anybody else.
Thanks for reading. :yesyes:
Michael