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Alex
09-03-07, 20:40
The Secret Diary Of Alex Greenland – Aged 39 and a bit

Chapter 1 – A day trip to HMP Ragdale Hall

14:30 – Arrived at the prison and was greeted by one of the wardens, Imagine my surprise when he offered to take our bag, there must have been some kind of mixup.

14:45 – The warden escorted us to the ‘reception area’ where we were provided with our final cup of ‘real coffee’. We were also asked to complete registration forms, I found this sort of odd as I though the prison knew we were coming

14:50 – We were escorted to our cell. I am now getting a bit suspicious as the cell had an en suite bathroom and colour television, Perhaps we took a wrong turning on the A46 somewhere, which would explain why they asked us to register.

15:30 – My fellow inmate suggested that we go for a swim. I asked if we were allowed to leave the cell and she answered by producing two KEYS !!!! Now I am totally baffled, this prison seems kind of open – Ah that’s it it must be an open prison.

16:00 – Arrived at the pool and was handed another key, for something called a locker !, that sounded more prison like so I was getting a bit more relaxed. Spent ages floating around in the pool and playing on the provided equipment, perhaps this prison liked to keep the inmates fit.

18:00 – Decided that the wrinkles were getting serious so went for a shower. I am sure the initial coffee was drugged as I am now feeling very relaxed, perhaps the coffee was drugged?

20:00 – After sitting in the room enjoying a G&T I smuggled in, the security here is very lapse, it was suggested that we go to the mess hall for some chow. Realising that I had not eaten all day I decided this was a good idea, even prison food can’t bee that bad when you are hungry.
Arrived at the mess hall and was escorted to the table by another warden, I recognized her as a warden as she had a bunch of keys.
Next came the biggest shock of the day, as we started to eat a bottle of champagne arrived – wtf is going on I thought, I am now beginning to wonder if this is a prison

21:30 – Returned to or cell to watch the in house movie. It was a very odd movie about some girl that was sentenced by a court and sent to some institution, I was now feeling at home

23:30 – Decided that it was time to sleep, the lights went off without me touching them – Not sure if this was my fellow inmate or the wardens doing it.

10:00 – Awoken by strange noises in the corridor outside, perhaps this was the time they do the inmate count. I was waiting for the wardens to break the door down but this didn’t happen, instead a tray of food was delivered – I am beginning to like this prison.

11:00 – Having scoffed the food, well if you can call a load of citrus fruit and apple juice food, I had to go for my first torture session.

11:15 – Arrived at the prison torture cells and was promptly called to have my reflexes ologied. Not being very up to date on this form of torture I was unsure what to expect.
I opened the door to the torture room and found Cibyl Fawlty sitting there, it was scary trust me. She explained that she as going to ology my feet.
It turns out that this ology thingy involves her pressing hard on my feet and me telling her when it hurt, from this she would tell me what was wrong. The problem was that it hurt every where which meant I was dead, obviously I wasn’t so I discounted the ology thing as a fad and left.

12:15 – Went back to the mess hall for more nosh. Again the food was great, no champagne this time which was a tad disappointing but perhaps they had run out.

14:00 – Had to go for another torture, this time a full body massage. I arrived at the torture cells again and was promptly called to a room. I was met in the room by a 25 year old blonde with huge ****, her name was Rachel – I guess this from her badge. I truly thought this was the end, they are sending me out with a nice sight. Rachel promptly asked me to get undressed and under the towels, wow I though this could be fun – then she left the room. She returned and started to rub oily stuff, I am sure it was wd40, into my legs, arms, neck and back. She asked me to lay on my front which I did and she continued to massage my back. I was laying there thinking ‘what kind of prison has a 25 year old rubbing oil into its inmates’, whichever one it is I want to go back to it.
After about an hour of this torture, well I call it that but have book another 10 sessions!, I was released from the torture room.

15:30 – My fellow inmate informed me that we now had to leave the prison. I was very upset at this as so far I had really enjoyed this prison and could not see why most inmates in prisons complained.
To add to my confusion my fellow inmate was paying for our stay, it was at this point that I noticed the name of the prison on the headed paper ‘Ragdale Hall Health Hydro’. Ah the penny dropped this was not a prison but a health farm.

Chapter 2 – Being Serious

A BIG BIG thank you to Nic for arranging the stay at Ragdale. I can thoroughly recommend Ragdale to anyone that’s thinking of going to a health farm it’s a fantastic place and I will be going back. For those interested have a look at http://www.ragdalehall.co.uk/

I am VERY cynical of things like Reflexology but was VERY impressed when she picked up on a few problems that I do have.

Ross
09-03-07, 20:53
Superb Alex! :laugh:

What a great way of explaining your trip. I'm pleased you and your 'fellow inmate' enjoyed your stay, and hope you had a wonderful birthday.


:yesyes:

nomorepanic
09-03-07, 21:02
Aww Alex that made me laugh as I know you thought it was going to be torture and he even made me stock the car with crisps in case he was starving!!! :lac:

Yes we did sneak a few G&T's and some wine into the hotel but hey it was his birthday and they do allow it! The Champagne I pre-ordered went down very nicely too.

It took me ages to get him out the pool - the funniest thing was the neck massage power jets - in the process of Alex getting that I was getting drowned sitting next to him!

He loved the pool and isn't a great lover of water so it was good to see him relaxing in there for so long - and I couldn't get him out until I bribed him with coffee and food!

We had a lovely relaxing day and the massage was fantastic as always. Why didn't I get a man for mine if he got a buxom blonde?? I was tortured in mine.

The food was fantastic so the crisps remain uneaten in the car and Alex has now developed a fetish for Ceasar salad so he will be easy to feed for the next few months.:yesyes:

I wanted to do this as a special treat for Alex for all his work on the forum recently and to say a special Thanks from me.:hugs:

I think it was a bit overwhelming for him with so many women wondering around in dressing gowns but we eventually got him into a dressing gown and some sexy slippers so there is no stopping him now:)

Thanks Alex and glad you enjoyed it :yesyes:

Are you coming back with me next time then?????

P.S. we are both knackered now - hard work this chilling out :sleep:

Alex
09-03-07, 21:03
Superb Alex! :laugh:

What a great way of explaining your trip. I'm pleased you and your 'fellow inmate' enjoyed your stay, and hope you had a wonderful birthday.


:yesyes:

Ross

Its a GREAT place and I would recommend it to everyone, in fact I am doing so now.

Alex

Alex
09-03-07, 21:05
I think it was a bit overwhelming for him with so many women wondering around in dressing gowns


Err nope :D :D :D :D

jo61
09-03-07, 21:46
So pleased you both had a great time. I'm jealous. Mind you I'm off to the Sanctuary in Covent Garden next Friday - friend of mine is treating me.

kate
09-03-07, 21:47
Glad to hear you both had a lovely time!

Love Kate xxx

Karen
09-03-07, 21:50
What a great tale
http://www.emotihost.com/glass9/18.gif

I'm glad you both had such a good time.

Karen x

trac67
09-03-07, 22:23
So pleased you both had a great time...................Alex i think you have finally lost it completely matey :D :D :D

Love

Trac xx

Alex
09-03-07, 22:36
So pleased you both had a great time...................Alex i think you have finally lost it completely matey :D :D :D

Love

Trac xx

I lost it a long time ago :D :D :D :D :D

Alex
xxxxx

manmoor
09-03-07, 22:53
Yay glad you had a great time with your inmate Alex but I tend to agree with Trac.....the plots lost lol. :D

Piglet
09-03-07, 23:10
Glad you had such a lovely time (just how much did you drink while you there)!!

You see having your feet squeezed isn't just foreplay!!:blush: :D

Piglet :flowers:

Alex
10-03-07, 12:39
You see having your feet squeezed isn't just foreplay!!:blush: :D

Piglet :flowers:

lol

Also don't forget that I am the most cynical person there is when it comes to things like having my ologys reflexed ;-)

However I was very impressed at what she picked up on and ended up having a discussion on the scientific theory behind it all !!

Alex

pips
11-03-07, 19:37
Really Love the story Thanks for that Alex,http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_213.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm594YYGB)

I'm so glad that you both enjoyed yourselves.

Did you manage have any cornbeef http://www.princes.co.uk/img/company/international/rectangle3.jpgthere? It is cornbeef you like isn't it? If not I appologise and have just made a total prat of myself! That's nothing new though!:sign20:


I went with my Hubby a couple of years ago. It really is a fantastic place. Hubby was a bit dubious about the slippers and dressing gown and of course all those woman! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_15.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm594YYGB) But he soon got into the swing of it and relaxed and had a fabulous time and hes now he's a confirmed Spa Junkie like me. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/7/7_3_204.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm594YYGB) Well when we can afford it! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_12_8.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm594YYGB) HMMMMM

Hope your both well,

Take care,

Love http://www.mymailsignature.com/fwpdata/7a/a7/78/80/65B9623D-F73E-436C-A40A-D61B4C90D94Dsig.png (http://www.mymailsignature.com)[/URL] (http://www.mymailstamp.com/?partner=ZMzeb001) (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm594YYGB)[URL="http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm594YYGB"] (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm594YYGB) X X

kazzie
11-03-07, 22:54
Best laff I have had for ages Alex!!!!

Glad you both had fun!!!

Thanks again for all you both do:hugs:

Luv Kaz x x x

wobily_lin
15-03-07, 18:25
absolutely hilarious Alex..ty..so glad ye both had a great time..

poor ole nic will hav ta get the hose out now to give ya a jet spa lmao....

Sorry i missed it at the time but HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATEY..so glad it was a great day..
xxx

clickaway
15-03-07, 18:56
Glad you had a "good time". I won't ask about handcuffs:blush:

Paddington
16-03-07, 12:23
I thought for a moment there, a friend of mine was leading a double life:ohmy: Alex greenland is such an unusual name ,but you share it with my mate!!I have asked him to join here as he is terrified of thunder..any hoo i digress:blush: So glad youhad a wonderful birthday,aint Nic a class act!:D xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Alex
16-03-07, 22:23
Thanks for all the replies

Nic and I are going back in June for a longer stay.

Paddington - That is odd I thought I was unique :D :D :D

Alex

lildutt
17-03-07, 02:02
lol sounds cool and great fun and happy belated birthday alex