Scared of saying "NO"

[BenC55]

I think this is a form of social anxiety. Like the title says, I'm scared of saying No to peolple and its interfering with my life. I'm putting my own dreams and goals on hold to please my friends and family. For example, all my friends want to do is play on the PlayStation and play things like Warhammer. I used to love doing these things but as I've grown older these things are of no interest to me anymore. I'm scared of telling my friends that I don't want to play games anymore, also, they keep planning holidays and weekends away. That's all fine but I'm at an age where I want to be thinking about getting my own home and starting a family (I'm 26). This fear of saying No also happens alot at work and with my family. Any advice on how to deal with this?

Sorry about the long post guys

[mindful anxiety]

Ben, this happens more than you would think with people. Im sure you have heard the term "yes man".

It sounds like you say "yes" at your own expense. There is no secret to dealing with this though. Im going to be harsh here. Please forgive me in advance...

Grow a spine! Man up and stand up for what YOU want.

My sister in law is like this. She gives and gives until she cant pay her own bills. She says yes to anything someone asks her for, even if it puts her in a bind.

I lover her deeply and I know its her big heart that is talking but she suffers on the regular because she cant squeeze out the simple word NO.

Honestly, it sounds like you are on a more responsible path mentally than your friends. Never be afraid to say no!

[leenalou]

Hi Ben, I have this problem also but it's mainly with just one person, I don't know why but I just find it so hard with her and she just walks all over me at times and its just easier to give in to her but then afterwards I get so cross with myself I don't know why I do it but I hope u can find the courage to say NO in future just as I hope I myself will take care x

[Peter2550]

I am going thru panic attack vey severe

[debs71]

I think this is a form of social anxiety. Like the title says, I'm scared of saying No to peolple and its interfering with my life. I'm putting my own dreams and goals on hold to please my friends and family. For example, all my friends want to do is play on the PlayStation and play things like Warhammer. I used to love doing these things but as I've grown older these things are of no interest to me anymore. I'm scared of telling my friends that I don't want to play games anymore, also, they keep planning holidays and weekends away. That's all fine but I'm at an age where I want to be thinking about getting my own home and starting a family (I'm 26). This fear of saying No also happens alot at work and with my family. Any advice on how to deal with this?

Sorry about the long post guys

Hi Ben.

Jeez, I can relate to your issue big time.

I spent many, many years when I was younger being so reluctant and awkward about saying no to people. I was not only shy but also a people pleaser, never wanted to cause a scene or rock the boat, never wanted to be the centre of any adverse attention, etc, etc. I spent so much time angry with myself and wishing I had not said yes. I would say that it was only when I reached my 30's - and especially after my mental breakdown and the counselling I had - that I began to change and harden up a little.

I think you are right. I think this is a social anxiety thing and borne from maybe some insecurity, shyness and just not wanting to be in an awkward situation. The problem though with never saying no, or really expressing how you feel, is that it has no real positives at all. I found that by never saying no, I felt sooo frustrated with myself and dissatisfied, had a lot of close friends and aquaintances use me, walk over me, presume that I was always ok with stuff, things they wanted to do/places they wanted to go (I had some friends who just loved clubbing, and I didn't, but I would always say yes to going, when all I wanted to do was stay home and curl up in front of the telly)

This is the issue with being a people pleaser. There are always going to be people who exploit that for their own ends - your sensitivity and non-confrontational nature.

Maybe it is an age thing with me now - I am in my mid 40's - but I learned as I got older that saying no is not a crime, and you have every right to express yourself and not do stuff that you don't want to do. It is your life, just as it is everyone's lives, to choose what they say yes and no to. Life is too short to do otherwise. The other point is that if they are REAL friends, they will not compel you to do what they want, and respect that you don't want to do certain things they do, go where they want, etc.

I would just say something to them along the lines of ' That really isn't my thing now, guys' or 'I think that I'll give that a miss' or even 'I have other plans!!' As I say, if they are true friends, they will just accept it. If they want to know why, or what has changed, I would just say exactly what you have very eloquently written here - that you are a little older now, are not into that anymore, are seeking other things and have other interests. That is perfectly fine IMO. The same goes for family even more so. They should understand if you say say no!

The thought of saying no to people is the worst thing. It just takes a little courage and some practice.

You CAN do it! :yesyes:

[georgewing]

Well just say No ,decide that you will start today .I like because you want to put order in your life and want to stop playing games thei are a waste of time at this age .You want to be constient that your life its the most important and you must take initiative if you want to change .Just say NO nobody will kill you .Good luck

[MyNameIsTerry]

Well just say No ,decide that you will start today .I like because you want to put order in your life and want to stop playing games thei are a waste of time at this age .You want to be constient that your life its the most important and you must take initiative if you want to change .Just say NO nobody will kill you .Good luck

Yep, I'm sure the OP might have thought of that...:doh: