Can't stop dwelling on 'what if's' (quite extreme what if's)

[claire]

I have GAD and have just started CBT. I've had it a long time and over the years it's got so intense that just a couple of times in my panic I think 'what if I want to kill myself'?
Then I get really anxious trying to assess whether I actually do or whether that's actually how people feel when they do.
Once the panic has subsided or if I'm in a period of feeling ok (mine's very hormonal based so it comes and goes) I think how absurd it was to think that way.
Then I'll keep thinking 'why did I think that' and worry that I'm actually at risk.
I'm quite happy apart from the anxiety so it doesn't make sense.
Can someone make sense of this please? I haven't told my CBT professional as I'm worried they might take my children away from me or think I'm more ill than I am.
Thank you

---------- Post added at 11:28 ---------- Previous post was at 11:00 ----------

I'm now thinking maybe this is a type of intrusive thought, which I do suffer with. I hope it is anyway.

[molrol]

Im no expert but it sounds like you are experiencing Intrusive Thoughts - which is a form of OCD.

Intrusive thoughts happen to everyone, most people dismiss them as silly thoughts that have no basis but people who suffer from anxiety/ocd tend to then ruminate about WHY they felt/thought that, and they end up checking whether they actually feel that way and analysing every thought they have.

Its important to remember with this, that the reason the intrusive thoughts are so distressing is mainly because the sufferer would never actually act on these thoughts - they go against everything you as a person believe. Thus, they become something you feel you can't talk about.

I wouldn't have thought your CBT professional would take your kids away for having these thoughts. They only have a duty to act if you went in saying, ' i AM going to kill myself, or someone else.' If you told them you occasionally think 'what if' i killed myself (but didn't seriously entertain those thoughts) then that would simply be another part of your anxiety that needs working through.

[claire]

Thank you so much. I feel more reassured now that they are intrusive thoughts. When the CBT professional asked what type of intrusive thoughts I had, I did not tell her about this one - I wish I had now as I could've worked on that. Anyway, I still can. Talking really helps. Thank you.

[molrol]

No Problem :)

As a fellow intrusive thought / what if worrier i know how much comfort it brings to have someone just say that what you are experiencing is normal!!

Anxiety is such a f****r!

[claire]

It really is! :D

[Tangaroa]

I know what you mean. My brain generally invents future scenarios that are really unlikely to happen. The logical part of my brain tells me that what I have thought about is so unlikely that I should stop worrying and get on with my life. Unfortunately my anxiety always focuses on the 'it might happen' or 'what if' it happens.