HA coming back/triggered by others illness and family deaths

[snowflake293]

Hi all

Recently lost 2 members of my family before their time (both to the c word) Got 2 colleagues off sick with the c word and my Dad has anaemia and collapsed a few weeks ago and Drs think it could be due to internal bleeding so worrying about him now too as he has to have lots of tests :(

I feel like everywhere I turn, its the c word. I feel I cant enjoy my life cause I am paranoid I have it, or my fiancé has it, or someone I love is going to suffer/die. I was looking at my fiancé last night and telling him how much I love him and how scared I am that something will happen! We get married in September and in my head I just feel like something awful will happen before then :( I hate feeling this way!

My health anxiety WAS loads better, but had a lot go on recently and I can feel it creeping back in. Got all the physical anxiety stuff going on today, tummy pains, fuzzy head, tight chest, dry mouth etc... but of course I am worrying it is 'something else' currently worrying I have the following:

Skin Cancer (funny looking moles, too scared to see the dr)
Stomach Cancer (due to tummy pain)
Bowel Cancer (due to pains)
Bone Cancer in my spine (due to back pain!)

So bloody paranoid and the c word and so scared that something bad is going to happen to me or my family. Every time the phone rings my heart sinks! even before I go to bed I pray I wont get a call in the night to say that something else has happened.

Starting to feel really on edge again like I am going to lose it big time like I did last year :( I just want to take some diazepam and crawl under a duvet :(

Managing to function and 'outwardly' at work and in social situations I am 99% ok! My manager is lovely and she but quite surprised when I told her about my mental health problems. Cause I 'look' ok I sometimes find it hard asking for help. I feel it is the same with going to the GP too. I feel they get frustrated with me and just think I am some silly neurotic young woman who Googles too much!

Reality is, I feel like I am losing my mind. I ended up self-harming in January which I hadn't done in about 12 years or so! My head is all over the place. One day I am absolutely fine, the next I am in floods of tears cause my fiancé is 5 minutes late home and I think something has happened.

I can't go on with all this. I stopped having talking therapy some months back but I am still on my medication (no plans to come off that) Should I go back to my GP and ask for some more talking therapy, or could this just be a blip?

xx

[Mindknot]

You are experiencing a stressful time at the moment, so if you want further talking therapy, then definitely ask your doctor. It is a blip (we all have ups and downs) but it's totally okay to ask for the help you need to get through it.

Just remember it could take a bit of time for another appointment to come through, so you might want to consider trying a book or course on CBT in the meantime to help you. This is one that I bought at my worst (https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Master-Anxiety-Overcome-Obsessions/dp/1899398813/ref=sr_1_14?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462372698&sr=1-14&keywords=anxiety), it's not specifically health anxiety but I found it easier to read than some. My doctor recommended this (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Anxiety-Books-Prescription-Title/dp/1849018782/ref=sr_1_11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462372698&sr=1-11&keywords=anxiety) which does contain a lot of the basic CBT techniques but I struggled to get into it...

[snowflake293]

Thank you for your reply. I will look into buying those books. I had a booklet off my first therapist and that helped me a lot too.

I am not doing well at all. Stomach constantly churning and feel drained. Worrying so much about my poor Dad and constantly 'thinking the worst' will happen with every aspect of my life.

[Aurora123]

Hi,
Sorry to hear you're really suffering at the moment. I totally empathise. I too have major episodes of HA and general anxiety about the safety of the people I love. I can be totally fine and happy but I also have episodes of obsessive thoughts and real fear and panic (normally after googling). My dad was diagnosed with a rare cancer completely out of the blue a couple years ago and although he's ok now I am petrified of cancer and any pain I get I'm convinced that I have it or that my dad's will come back or someone else I love will get it. I have digestive problems and pains in my upper abdomen and I scare myself a lot. I have a beautiful daughter and I worry because I need to be ok for her. But I realise that I need to be ok for her in every respect and that anxiety just robs us of fun. I'm also getting married soon. I'm very happy and very fortunate but can't understand these episodes which are crippling and futile. Sorry I don't have any answers but I do know that the Internet fed my fear to an obsessive extent and I don't think I realised how bad I was. When the episode passes and you feel ok again it's easy to forget but you have to not feed it. It's hard but I really try now. CBT/counselling will also help. I hope your dad is ok too.

[snowflake293]

Thank you. I am sorry you suffer too but it is comforting to know I am not alone. I am glad your Dad is ok now. The internet is my worst enemy! I have reached the point though, where some things I am just too scared to Google cause I know I will end up worrying even more (rather than having my mind put at rest!) It must be even harder having HA when you have a child. My H2B and I are hoping to start a family soon after our wedding and I really want to be in a good place with my HA but I am willing to accept it is most likely something that will be with me (even if its just in the back on my mind) for a long time. Do you worry about your little girls health? I have awful, awful thoughts about my loved ones becoming ill. I have horrible nightmares too.

[Aurora123]

Googling and the Internet is your worst enemy with Health anxiety. It could be a hundred things but I'll focus on the worst and the rarest every time. I do stop myself now. Yes, health anxiety with a child isn't easy. You obviously child more than anything and would do anything to keep them safe and well. I am over protective but I don't want my anxiety to be transferred to her so do my best to keep it in check. She's very young at the moment. She
Has made me so happy so that overrides the anxiety the majority of the time but it hasn't gone away completely. As you said you accept it will be in the back of your mind. I didn't
Worry about my health to any extent until I had her. It's definitely my dad's
Illness that triggered mine, I was pregnant at the time and it was a very scary
Time. I am so close to my family that I do worry about them all. I too have nightmares.
Distraction and no internet are two major positives for sure. Try and realise that your anxiety is only thoughts and fears and replace those with happy ones. Let yourself worry and don't punish yourself but try and help
Yourself too. Know it's easier said than done. I really hope you feel better soon.

[countrygirl]

My health anxiety did go into overdrive when my son was born - right up to him leaving home. Once he was grown up and not my responsibility then the fear lessened as there was nothing I could do. It did affect him as he got to the point of not mentioning ill health to me because he knew I would whip him off the the Drs at the slightest thing:blush:
I now have a little grandson and have to make myself not worry about him.
I find if I am close to anyone then I will worry about their health, its part of ha.

I understand totally about the c word. I have had 6 friends diagnosed with it in past year. They are all still alive although 2 are terminal.

[Aurora123]

My health anxiety did go into overdrive when my son was born - right up to him leaving home. Once he was grown up and not my responsibility then the fear lessened as there was nothing I could do. It did affect him as he got to the point of not mentioning ill health to me because he knew I would whip him off the the Drs at the slightest thing:blush:
I now have a little grandson and have to make myself not worry about him.
I find if I am close to anyone then I will worry about their health, its part of ha.

I understand totally about the c word. I have had 6 friends diagnosed with it in past year. They are all still alive although 2 are terminal.

I understand. My message before was meant to say you obviously love your child more than anything. They are part of you and you worry about them a lot mote than you worry about yourself. I only worry about me because I need to be there for her. I am doing my best to control it as I don't want her to be anxious like me as it is a horrible thing for sure. Even though I am a worrier by nature and was as a child, my HA didn't kick in until the past couple of years.
I can understand how hard it must be to not now have the same
Anxieties about your grandson. It can't be easy.
Yes, I agree. I worry about everyone I'm close to and hate any tests. I've had to have recent scans and stuff and whereas a few years ago I wouldn't have really worried I was worrying so much.
Yes, cancer is something that terrifies me. I find it hard
To talk about. And it seems to affect everyone is some way. I know that fearing it won't make it happen or not happen and that's the futility
Of worry and anxiety I guess but what a logical mind knows, anxiety will quickly take away. I know my worry is sometimes irrational and extreme and i don't help myself at all but when you're feeling it, it is real. I am
Amaze though how it can manifest itself physically. And what a vicious cycle that can create.
I'm relatively
New to the forum but it's nice that there are people that do understand HA.
I'm sorry to hear about all of your awful news. To Have six friends dealing
With it must be really hard.