Frayed Medic!
05-05-16, 13:03
Hi folks.
I hope to get some support, humour, empathy (not sympathy) and advice from my fellow posters.
A little bit about me (boring I know). I'm only slightly the wrong side of 50, male, married (2nd time), I'm British and my sense of humour is darker than my last brain MRI scan.
I've suffered and endured Depression in varying severity for as long as I can remember. A serious, and almost successful attempted suicide in the 90's.
Without requesting a violin concerto, my life hasn't been without challenge's (whose has eh?). Issues of seeing parents screaming and fighting as a toddler, abandonment from my Father post divorce. The death of my Mother and the way I found out had a massive impact (she was only 50).
My first Wife losing her battle with breast cancer at a young (too young!) age.
Have been employed by the once great NHS (off sick at the mo) for over 3 decades as initially a Q.A.P (Qualified Ambulance Person, Miller Badge) as there was no such beast as a Paramedic in the UK then. When the courses were introduced I requalified as a Paramedic in 1991.
I attended a few "majors", the 1st was the Kings Cross fire disaster in 1987 which as an innocent lad in his early 20s was a real wake up call.
Obviously over the many years I've dealt with virtually every distressing type of call there is. The previous 11 years I took a University course that enabled me to perform more advanced procedures and have worked alone on a response car. Many a time with a dying patient but stuck as lack of resources = no available ambulances for "back-up". Highly stressful with panicking, stressed friends/family who take their frustrations out on the only available punchbag (me). Sadly I've been assaulted quite a number of times.
A few years ago I became aware I was suffering " compassion fatigue". Became so damaged by the mountain of past traumas none of it was having any obvious effect on me, basically I'd lost "myself" and was an emotionless shell of the previous me. Same went for personal relationships with 2nd Wife, friends and Family. The only time in approx 2 years I showed any type of emotion was when I had my best friend, my faithful hound, put to sleep. I cried like a baby.
I had become My Angry, Mr Cynical. I couldn't abide fools, had a very short fuse, became noise intolerant and not a very nice person. Terrible insomnia, wild mood swings, hypomania, impulsiveness and sexually disinhibited (luckily I couldn't find anyone desperate enough to fulfill my wishes).
Saw GP several times who is "pretty sure" i haven't bipolar disorder or one of its subtypes but was definite I was suffering PTSD. I was also having traumatic flashbacks and nightmares. Had some auditory hallucinations too.
Through my work OH dept I managed to get a course of EMDR which amazed ol' sceptical me as it seemed to have a +ve effect. Not a cure, for sure, but took the sting out of the symptoms.
Have been on Escitalopram for a few months now with no great benefits, and I've had virtually every other SSRI there is!
Saw GP again today who suggests a change to maybe Venlafaxine or Pregabalin but will discuss my case with Psyc for advice on best route.
Will find out which pill I'm on tomorrow. I'm also starting another "talking therapy" next week. Fingers crossed. I've had CBT, Mindfulness, Art therapy etc already.
Anyway, enough of my waffling, would be good to hear back from anymore, even if it's to mildly insult me!
Cheers....
I hope to get some support, humour, empathy (not sympathy) and advice from my fellow posters.
A little bit about me (boring I know). I'm only slightly the wrong side of 50, male, married (2nd time), I'm British and my sense of humour is darker than my last brain MRI scan.
I've suffered and endured Depression in varying severity for as long as I can remember. A serious, and almost successful attempted suicide in the 90's.
Without requesting a violin concerto, my life hasn't been without challenge's (whose has eh?). Issues of seeing parents screaming and fighting as a toddler, abandonment from my Father post divorce. The death of my Mother and the way I found out had a massive impact (she was only 50).
My first Wife losing her battle with breast cancer at a young (too young!) age.
Have been employed by the once great NHS (off sick at the mo) for over 3 decades as initially a Q.A.P (Qualified Ambulance Person, Miller Badge) as there was no such beast as a Paramedic in the UK then. When the courses were introduced I requalified as a Paramedic in 1991.
I attended a few "majors", the 1st was the Kings Cross fire disaster in 1987 which as an innocent lad in his early 20s was a real wake up call.
Obviously over the many years I've dealt with virtually every distressing type of call there is. The previous 11 years I took a University course that enabled me to perform more advanced procedures and have worked alone on a response car. Many a time with a dying patient but stuck as lack of resources = no available ambulances for "back-up". Highly stressful with panicking, stressed friends/family who take their frustrations out on the only available punchbag (me). Sadly I've been assaulted quite a number of times.
A few years ago I became aware I was suffering " compassion fatigue". Became so damaged by the mountain of past traumas none of it was having any obvious effect on me, basically I'd lost "myself" and was an emotionless shell of the previous me. Same went for personal relationships with 2nd Wife, friends and Family. The only time in approx 2 years I showed any type of emotion was when I had my best friend, my faithful hound, put to sleep. I cried like a baby.
I had become My Angry, Mr Cynical. I couldn't abide fools, had a very short fuse, became noise intolerant and not a very nice person. Terrible insomnia, wild mood swings, hypomania, impulsiveness and sexually disinhibited (luckily I couldn't find anyone desperate enough to fulfill my wishes).
Saw GP several times who is "pretty sure" i haven't bipolar disorder or one of its subtypes but was definite I was suffering PTSD. I was also having traumatic flashbacks and nightmares. Had some auditory hallucinations too.
Through my work OH dept I managed to get a course of EMDR which amazed ol' sceptical me as it seemed to have a +ve effect. Not a cure, for sure, but took the sting out of the symptoms.
Have been on Escitalopram for a few months now with no great benefits, and I've had virtually every other SSRI there is!
Saw GP again today who suggests a change to maybe Venlafaxine or Pregabalin but will discuss my case with Psyc for advice on best route.
Will find out which pill I'm on tomorrow. I'm also starting another "talking therapy" next week. Fingers crossed. I've had CBT, Mindfulness, Art therapy etc already.
Anyway, enough of my waffling, would be good to hear back from anymore, even if it's to mildly insult me!
Cheers....