tonightwefly
10-03-07, 17:10
Recently I've been reevaluating how I've been feeling for the past few years, and all of a sudden I'm incredibly incredibly frightened. I thought that I was medical/needle phobic. I thought that I got panic attacks. And I'm not so sure any more that that's what this is, and I'm scared it might be something worse. I accidentally stumbled across something about Factitious Disorder and Munchausen's Syndrome yesterday and suddenly I'm absolutely bloody terrified that actually it's not anxiety, it's actually that.
I am fairly sure at least that it used to be textbook anxiety/panic. I used to just freak out over triggers, which was horrible, but it was definable and it wasn't my fault. I was starting to be able to prepare myself to get some real help.
But there comes a point maybe starting one or two years ago when I think maybe it turned into something else.
I remember having panic attacks for no apparent reason a couple of years ago...it feels like ages ago and I can't remember all of the details. But I think I might have been partly bringing it on myself. I don't even know why I think that. But I can't remember what triggered it and I don't remember doing anything to stop the hyperventilation, almost like I was encouraging it. Only why the hell would I do that? I had the biggest panic attack of my life a few months ago before a talk on blood donation at school, and I think that might have been my fault too. I believed it at the time (although mentally I never got to the stage of thinking I was going to die or anything - I was always aware that it was a panic attack which makes me think now I might have been doing it on purpose), but in hindsight I think I might have been making the overbreathing worse which brought on everything else. That last time, I hid it, but I told some of my close friends afterwards, and when people were nice about it and looked after me, I was happy. It could have been because I needed and appreciated the comfort more, but it could also have been that I was doing it for attention in the first place and was happy when I got it. Which is disgusting.
I've been through periods of being symptom-free, and I get so scared that the phobia has gone away because it was never really there in the first place. It's got to the point where when I'm triggered, it's a relief, and I feel better than when I'm not anxious because I know that I'm not being histrionic. But the fact that I feel better when I'm not anxious, doesn't that mean I *am* doing it on purpose? I'm scared that maybe I always enjoyed being anxious and just didn't realise. When I was younger I used to fantasise about facing triggers and being brave, and again I don't know if that's because I actually wanted to get over it and be brave, or because I wanted to believe and wanted other people to believe I was being brave.
I'm triggered now by other people talking about bad experiences with needles more than I am thinking about it myself (I can't really think about it any more anyway, it shuts itself out), and I'm scared that that might be because I'm afraid of them getting more attention than I do.
I cannot imagine facing a trigger any more, but I don't know if that's because I'm afraid of the trigger or because I'm afraid of not responding to it and therefore knowing that it wasn't real.
The more I read about it, the more I start to wonder if my anxiety was made up by me for attention. And if I do have Factitious Disorder...I don't know what to do. It's far rarer than anxiety, there are no records of a case ever being fully cured. Nobody would trust me about anything any more. I couldn't trust myself. I might be making *everything* up for attention. I might be making *this* up for attention, oh God, I'm supposed to have a life to live, I could live it with anxiety, I couldn't live it with this. I'm supposed to be a good person and I don't see how I can be if I can't stop myself from lying, if I don't even know I'm doing it.
Except if it is attention seeking behaviour, you're supposed to know that at the time, and I didn't. I only start believing it with hindsight, and I'm trying to cling to that. I wish to God I'd never read anything about this.
I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just have to talk to someone. I just hope against hope that maybe someone has felt this way before and it turned out to be a facet of anxiety, not an attention-seeking disorder in its own right. I am so incredibly scared right now and I could really use any words of advice you can give me.
I'm so incredibly sorry.
I am fairly sure at least that it used to be textbook anxiety/panic. I used to just freak out over triggers, which was horrible, but it was definable and it wasn't my fault. I was starting to be able to prepare myself to get some real help.
But there comes a point maybe starting one or two years ago when I think maybe it turned into something else.
I remember having panic attacks for no apparent reason a couple of years ago...it feels like ages ago and I can't remember all of the details. But I think I might have been partly bringing it on myself. I don't even know why I think that. But I can't remember what triggered it and I don't remember doing anything to stop the hyperventilation, almost like I was encouraging it. Only why the hell would I do that? I had the biggest panic attack of my life a few months ago before a talk on blood donation at school, and I think that might have been my fault too. I believed it at the time (although mentally I never got to the stage of thinking I was going to die or anything - I was always aware that it was a panic attack which makes me think now I might have been doing it on purpose), but in hindsight I think I might have been making the overbreathing worse which brought on everything else. That last time, I hid it, but I told some of my close friends afterwards, and when people were nice about it and looked after me, I was happy. It could have been because I needed and appreciated the comfort more, but it could also have been that I was doing it for attention in the first place and was happy when I got it. Which is disgusting.
I've been through periods of being symptom-free, and I get so scared that the phobia has gone away because it was never really there in the first place. It's got to the point where when I'm triggered, it's a relief, and I feel better than when I'm not anxious because I know that I'm not being histrionic. But the fact that I feel better when I'm not anxious, doesn't that mean I *am* doing it on purpose? I'm scared that maybe I always enjoyed being anxious and just didn't realise. When I was younger I used to fantasise about facing triggers and being brave, and again I don't know if that's because I actually wanted to get over it and be brave, or because I wanted to believe and wanted other people to believe I was being brave.
I'm triggered now by other people talking about bad experiences with needles more than I am thinking about it myself (I can't really think about it any more anyway, it shuts itself out), and I'm scared that that might be because I'm afraid of them getting more attention than I do.
I cannot imagine facing a trigger any more, but I don't know if that's because I'm afraid of the trigger or because I'm afraid of not responding to it and therefore knowing that it wasn't real.
The more I read about it, the more I start to wonder if my anxiety was made up by me for attention. And if I do have Factitious Disorder...I don't know what to do. It's far rarer than anxiety, there are no records of a case ever being fully cured. Nobody would trust me about anything any more. I couldn't trust myself. I might be making *everything* up for attention. I might be making *this* up for attention, oh God, I'm supposed to have a life to live, I could live it with anxiety, I couldn't live it with this. I'm supposed to be a good person and I don't see how I can be if I can't stop myself from lying, if I don't even know I'm doing it.
Except if it is attention seeking behaviour, you're supposed to know that at the time, and I didn't. I only start believing it with hindsight, and I'm trying to cling to that. I wish to God I'd never read anything about this.
I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just have to talk to someone. I just hope against hope that maybe someone has felt this way before and it turned out to be a facet of anxiety, not an attention-seeking disorder in its own right. I am so incredibly scared right now and I could really use any words of advice you can give me.
I'm so incredibly sorry.