I don't know what to do, I need to talk to someone. Please help.

[tonightwefly]

Recently I've been reevaluating how I've been feeling for the past few years, and all of a sudden I'm incredibly incredibly frightened. I thought that I was medical/needle phobic. I thought that I got panic attacks. And I'm not so sure any more that that's what this is, and I'm scared it might be something worse. I accidentally stumbled across something about Factitious Disorder and Munchausen's Syndrome yesterday and suddenly I'm absolutely bloody terrified that actually it's not anxiety, it's actually that.

I am fairly sure at least that it used to be textbook anxiety/panic. I used to just freak out over triggers, which was horrible, but it was definable and it wasn't my fault. I was starting to be able to prepare myself to get some real help.

But there comes a point maybe starting one or two years ago when I think maybe it turned into something else.

I remember having panic attacks for no apparent reason a couple of years ago...it feels like ages ago and I can't remember all of the details. But I think I might have been partly bringing it on myself. I don't even know why I think that. But I can't remember what triggered it and I don't remember doing anything to stop the hyperventilation, almost like I was encouraging it. Only why the hell would I do that? I had the biggest panic attack of my life a few months ago before a talk on blood donation at school, and I think that might have been my fault too. I believed it at the time (although mentally I never got to the stage of thinking I was going to die or anything - I was always aware that it was a panic attack which makes me think now I might have been doing it on purpose), but in hindsight I think I might have been making the overbreathing worse which brought on everything else. That last time, I hid it, but I told some of my close friends afterwards, and when people were nice about it and looked after me, I was happy. It could have been because I needed and appreciated the comfort more, but it could also have been that I was doing it for attention in the first place and was happy when I got it. Which is disgusting.

I've been through periods of being symptom-free, and I get so scared that the phobia has gone away because it was never really there in the first place. It's got to the point where when I'm triggered, it's a relief, and I feel better than when I'm not anxious because I know that I'm not being histrionic. But the fact that I feel better when I'm not anxious, doesn't that mean I *am* doing it on purpose? I'm scared that maybe I always enjoyed being anxious and just didn't realise. When I was younger I used to fantasise about facing triggers and being brave, and again I don't know if that's because I actually wanted to get over it and be brave, or because I wanted to believe and wanted other people to believe I was being brave.

I'm triggered now by other people talking about bad experiences with needles more than I am thinking about it myself (I can't really think about it any more anyway, it shuts itself out), and I'm scared that that might be because I'm afraid of them getting more attention than I do.

I cannot imagine facing a trigger any more, but I don't know if that's because I'm afraid of the trigger or because I'm afraid of not responding to it and therefore knowing that it wasn't real.

The more I read about it, the more I start to wonder if my anxiety was made up by me for attention. And if I do have Factitious Disorder...I don't know what to do. It's far rarer than anxiety, there are no records of a case ever being fully cured. Nobody would trust me about anything any more. I couldn't trust myself. I might be making *everything* up for attention. I might be making *this* up for attention, oh God, I'm supposed to have a life to live, I could live it with anxiety, I couldn't live it with this. I'm supposed to be a good person and I don't see how I can be if I can't stop myself from lying, if I don't even know I'm doing it.

Except if it is attention seeking behaviour, you're supposed to know that at the time, and I didn't. I only start believing it with hindsight, and I'm trying to cling to that. I wish to God I'd never read anything about this.

I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just have to talk to someone. I just hope against hope that maybe someone has felt this way before and it turned out to be a facet of anxiety, not an attention-seeking disorder in its own right. I am so incredibly scared right now and I could really use any words of advice you can give me.

I'm so incredibly sorry.

[cattttt]

You sound really confused Emma, you don't sound to me like you've got Factitious Disorder, which is a milder form of Munchausen's Syndrome. Even if it is attention seeking, there is nothing disgusting about it and no you don't always know you are doing it at the time. If you didn't know you were doing it, then there can't be anything wrong with it.Think to yourself, "would I make up some illness and go ahead and have the operation for it?" That's Munchausen's Syndrome. It all sounds much more like anxiety to me. Attention seeking is a facet of anxiety, if you are anxious, there's nothing that helps more than someone being nice to you. I've been through all this myself Emma, I'm 51 now and I used to be an anxious teenager.
If you had Factitious Disorder, you wouldn't be thinking you had it, and wouldn't believe anyone who told you had it.
Anxiety does all sorts of things to you, your body and your mind, is there a counsellor at school you can talk to?
It's really hard to help you in this sort of situation, except to say that you are not alone and others, including me have been through the same sort of thing and had the same thoughts plaguing their minds.

[Hexia]

You say that anxiety was not your fault, but if you suffer from Facticious Disorder, then it is your fault? No illness is ever our own fault, no illness is more disgusting than the other.
Anxiety is an extremely egocentric illness. We all spend our lives looking inward, monitoring what is going on with us, how we are feeling, how we are reacting.
And since we have no physical illnesses, we all bring the symptoms on ourselves in some way.

What you have sounds exactly like anxiety to me as well. I actually know someone with Munchhausen Syndrome and believe me, she would not in a second believe that she has that.
So the mere fact that you are thinking this, tells me that is not it at all.

Like someone once said, crazy people do not know they are crazy. If they know it, they still have a solid perception of the world, and so they can't be crazy.

Go ahead and get the treatment you were ready for, I am sure it will do you some good and help you see things more clearly.
Please take care

[Piglet]

I accidentally stumbled across something about Factitious Disorder and Munchausen's Syndrome yesterday and suddenly I'm absolutely bloody terrified that actually it's not anxiety, it's actually that.



I haven't heard of Factitious Disorder but I have heard of Munchausen's Syndrome and from what little I know you wouldn't be worrying about having this disorder, if you did have it - you wouldn't even know!

Sounds like pure anxiety to me - I am really beginning to think it's best not to look too deeply, or analyse so much for us folks with anxiety. I think the best way forward is healthy distraction and to learn coping methods for panic and anxiety when they are high.

Love Piglet :flowers: