OCD causing me to question my morality

[molrol]

Has anyone else suffered from a crisis of morality due to their OCD?

I occasionally get intrusive thoughts, and actually i've made my peace with them - i know I'm not going to hurt anyone - however what i really struggle with is how those thoughts make me feel from a moral point of view. I've started analysing my reaction to bad things that happen to people. EG - the refugees in Calais / a child being killed / human rights violations. If i see a story about something like that, i feel a pang of anxiety before i even read it and when i do read it i'm checking to see how sad it makes me feel. If i deem that i haven't been 'upset' enough by it then i go on an endless cycle of questioning, 'what kind of person does this make me?' 'do i lack empathy for people?' 'do i secretly like bad things happening to people?' Its exhausting. My friend jokingly said to me that there was a film about serial killers on that would be right up my street and instantly i freaked out wondering why she thought i liked serial killers and questioning whether my interest in them meant i was some sort of secret psychopath or if i secretly liked the nasty things they did.

Its so sad, i am about to become a social worker and i wanted to do it because i wanted to help people but now i feel all twisted up and am wondering if i want to do this job because actually i am fascinated by terrible things.

Ive lost hours reading studies about why people are fascinated by crime and horrible things and i...i dunno...i just feel like i don't even know who i am anymore. I worry that deep down I'm some horrible sick person and i don't know what to do about it

[MyNameIsTerry]

Can you remember when you were in the thick of the anxiety with your intrusive thoughts? Can you remember thinking about what those thoughts made you? What did they mean about you or the true you coming out? Whether you secretly wanted to do those things?

Because you have made your peace with those thoughts and accepted them as merely thoughts that say nothing about you nor imply any meaning, have you noticed how those questions have gone away?

Can you also remember checking your reaction was as you expected to be i.e. fear? Can you remember how if you didn't react with fear you thought it was an indication you truly wanted to do those things or were changing into that monster that you feared?

But then as you accepted them and they started going you would also realise that your reaction naturally changed to them because they didn't cause as much fear BUT when this happened you stopped questioning whether that meant you were becoming the monster? This was because you were recovering and they were being replaced by healthy thinking patterns and new or old positive/neutral pathways.

So, now when you think about what you have just written in your post, can you see how these are similar behaviours & thoughts hence this is just your OCD trying you from another angle? It's trying to undermine your self assurance that you are a good person with strong morals that wants to help others. That way it opens the door for other anxieties and maybe those intrusive thoughts or new ones to come back.

You may not have experienced everything I said above but I have and I have seen plenty of other OCD sufferers going through all that too.

You are analysing too deeply. When we see, read or hear something horrible we tend not to be so sensitive to our world that we fall to pieces and start wailing in despair & horror. This doesn't mean you are detached or lack compassion or empathy. If you were there and witnessed it, you would feel all of those strong emotions but you aren't and so they don't feel anywhere near as real as they would.

When we see an advert for a charity with suffering children we feel something for them or we think about how bad it is. But that doesn't mean we rush to the charities aid, sell our houses and go over there to help. We do what we can with donations or some help more directly.

The thing to remember is that the world is full of suffering, always has been and always will be, and if we were so sensitive that we reacted the way we perceive we should be (based on our skewed anxious mind's thinking) we would struggle to survive at all...think how depressed we would be.

The fact is YOU decided you wanted to help others and chose a career path to do so.

So, be aware of what you are doing in terms of your OCD behaviour. For instance, checking for your reaction is a compulsion and you know that compulsions reinforce obsessions. Look at your compulsions, the checking, the questioning, etc and reduce it to eliminate it.

[molrol]

Hiya,

yes when you put it like that i can see its just OCD raising its ugly head and trying another angle.

In part my concern comes because i literally can-not deal with animal abuse, it makes me feel very very upset, sick etc but i don't have the same reaction hearing about atrocities against humans. I feel sad for those people but i don't have the same moral outrage, or repulsed feelings. I genuinely worry that i'm lacking in empathy for people and i hate that i don't feel more upset for people.


I've never experienced this type of OCD before, in a way i feel like i can handle the health anxieties and the relationship obsessions. Analysing your moral compass, reactions towards things and questioning yourself as a person is hideous. I feel like an absolute monster

---------- Post added at 14:03 ---------- Previous post was at 13:29 ----------

Oh dear and off i go again,
'am i normal for being interested in serial killers?' 'why am i interested in them?'
etc etc

The only consolation is that its not a full blown panic, more a general feeling of slight anxiousness, like i suddenly remember that i should be worrying about my morality

[MyNameIsTerry]

Think of it this way - what about the many people who take an interest in violence such as serial killers due to their work? Think about the psychologists, the police, the courts, etc. Are they all secretly violent people? No, it's part of their work. If we didn't have people who took a professional interest, we wouldn't know the things we do or how to tackle them. This doesn't make them the same as the subject of their study.

I have an interest in action movies. That doesn't make me a gun toting mass murderer in-waiting. It's just an interest.

I play violent video games. It's just that they can be exciting. It's fantasy, just like the films. Fantasy in this context is not in any way connected to my morals.

We have to be careful not to allow false associations being made. We have to remain objective when considering what these things mean to us. Otherwise our thinking will be biased & distorted. The result is someone thinking such things say something about them to a much deeper level.

How could you be lacking in empathy for human beings and consider becoming a social worker? If you lacked empathy you wouldn't choose a career where you would have to work with people you don't care about.

Perhaps becoming a social worker is because you want to protect or help the vulnerable? The children, old people, disabled, etc? All people you could consider to be innocent in some way maybe? Animals are innocent and cannot speak for themselves in how they are treated. So, maybe there is a theme in there and it's less about species?

I can understand it because I feel strongly for animals too and it's because I have a dog, although I've always loved animals. I'm more connected with having one of my own to worry about.

If you weren't a caring person, none of these would interest you. You would be like the idiots out there who do what they want to who they want and take rather than give. That doesn't sound like you.

[Lucinda07]

I like programmes about serial killers because the subject matter is so bizarre & extraordinary.What sort of mind set do these people have?
I abhor cruelty to humans & animals. I can't bear to see either in pain/suffering.