Hopeful that others can relate

[chiguy]

Hi everyone -

I never thought I'd be someone that had to google "anxiety disorder" forums. Honestly. I've known for a long time that I struggle moderately with anxiety and panic attacks, but the last 2 months have been an overwhelming roller coaster of emotion, fatigue, saddness and introspection. Prior to the last 2 months, I was able to sufficiently get through my day/day life, albeit with the occasional panic attack.

The past 2 months have been something else completely. I have pushed through each day and continue to conduct my business in a seemingly normal fashion, but i'm basically holding on minute by minute. I have alerted both my wife and my parents (I'm 35/M) to my condition and that I am indeed struggling. I've cried. ALOT.

I'm very concerned about my appetite. I have never had issues eating, but meals appear to have become a trigger for attacks. I have absolutely no interest in eating most, if not all of the day. I'm at my lowest weight in 10 years (which incidentally is probably a very healthy weight, but don't want to lose more).

I started taking 20mg of Prozac back in 2007 and from then until I'd say 2012/2013, took it pretty much by the book. My wife explained to me that I was a bit detached so I began to slowly skip days resulting in a scenario that definitely made me more "present" in a sense (i now know this was probably false). Through 2015 I weened to about 2-3 weekly 20mg pills and then end of 2015 cut cold turkey. I lasted up to a trip to Spain in March 2016 and since then....well, I've explained where I'm at.

I am now seeing a new pyschiatrist and psychologist and am in the early meetings to get back on track. Sometimes I have moments where I feel like I've destroyed myself by going off the meds. Sometimes I feel pretty damn normal. But the peaks and valleys have to stop.

I've been back on 10mg of Prozac for the past 4 weeks and today took my first 20mg...it's been a WEIRD day. Started super positive, currently not so much. I can't eat, I can't focus. The one thing I've been able to do the whole time is sleep so I'm thankful for that.

Just wanted to share. If anyone else wants to vent with me, or send words of encouragement or have experienced similar, I'd love to hear from you.

I am going to beat this. Thanks for listening.

[hermionegranger]

I've had less of a long term experience with true anxiety, but a lot of what you're saying I completely relate to. I am still pushing through school and doing well (grade-wise, not really mentally), but I feel like I'm about to lose it any second. Also I am totally the same with the crying thing. A few months ago I hadn't cried (except at movies/tv shows) in six months or so; now I cry multiple times every day. I don't know how much advice I can give on this since I'm a confused teenager, but something that has really helped me is finding an activity (in my case, drawing) that completely occupies my mind so I can't focus on triggers for my panic attacks. If you can think of anything that would have a similar effect for you, I would say maybe try reaching for it in a situation you feel uncomfortable in or when you feel like you're about to break down. I'm sorry to hear about your appetite, especially since I was in a very similar position a few weeks ago (and still kind of am). One thing you can definitely do to improve your weight position is to purchase a nutrition drink like Ensure. They have up to around 350 calories in them and you can have them with meals or on their own. These were a godsend to me during my worst point - I had lost ten pounds in a week and was eating less than a quarter of my recommended calories without them. And at least for me, once I knew I wasn't just going to waste away (especially since I'm thin to begin with), I began to have less anxiety about my appetite and as a result it definitely improved. In terms of the meds - I'm sure you can push through! The positive effects take a while to kick in and when you increase dosage the initial impact is always going to be kind of strange. Hope this is somewhat comforting or helpful.

[swgrl09]

Hi Chiguy, try not to be so hard on yourself for going off the meds. We all try it from time to time and sometimes people really can get on without, whereas others have to go back on. I take lexapro and stopped a couple years ago, well within a year I was back on it. Sometimes we don't realize how much it does help us until we go off it.

Hang in there in the early days of getting back onto the medication. You will settle in and start to feel better as you get to your normal dose.

[chiguy]

Thank you both for the incredibly kind words, and may I also say that I feel for you both as well. We really are all in this together. I've realized over the past 2 months how truly difficult this is, and I have a new found respect for everyone that suffers from this, including myself :)

I've always been able to use music as an escape, but lately I've found that I'm very wishy washy about it. That said, there have been brief moments where my favorite tunes have uplifted me, so there is that. I'm going to continue to work on reintroducing music and hopefully rekindle my love of it.

I think it's worth noting that I have alot on my plate right now. My wife and I are in the process of trying to move to the suburbs from the city (we're in Chicago), we're working on having a baby (yeah!!!), and I just started a new consulting assignment at work. That alone is alot for a completely healthy person, so I know that is contributing to my situation. The only thing is I used to be able to tackle multiple stressors like this all at once; in fact, I typically flourished during those times. I am realizing though that other things probably suffered in leiu of this drive. My relationship with my wife and my family most notably. I have realized I haven't always been the most supportive person and while that is contributing to my condition now, I'm hopeful that this experience transforms me into a better version of me.

Anyways, I know I'm only on day 4 of the bump to 20mg, and I am now taking my .25mg of Klonopin in the morning and afternoon to help the daily FRENZY. Just typing this gave me a quick sense of calm. I'm supposed to meet an old friend for lunch today for a nice deli sandwich; I sure hope I can enjoy it!!!!

To both of you; it means the world to me that you responded. Truly. I cannot thank you enough. Be well, and have a great day.

[netminder1976]

I feel alot like you. Things that used to help me feel better have really not been working anymore and sometimes my panic over nothing make it hard to function or even talk to those around me. I'm happily married and have children so I don't know how I could get so down and scared over nothing. I just recently started taking Prozac 10mg for the last 25 days and so far I feel a little better but I have been getting stomach aches and slight nausea after eating the last couple of days. I sometimes have to take a piece of Xanax to calm when really bad but them times are getting less and less. Good luck on having a baby and the possible move. Hope it all gets better for you.

[chiguy]

I feel alot like you. Things that used to help me feel better have really not been working anymore and sometimes my panic over nothing make it hard to function or even talk to those around me. I'm happily married and have children so I don't know how I could get so down and scared over nothing. I just recently started taking Prozac 10mg for the last 25 days and so far I feel a little better but I have been getting stomach aches and slight nausea after eating the last couple of days. I sometimes have to take a piece of Xanax to calm when really bad but them times are getting less and less. Good luck on having a baby and the possible move. Hope it all gets better for you.

Thank you for sharing, netminder! I really appreciate it, and I can't tell you how much I feel for you. It sounds like you and I are experiencing similar things.

I wish you continued success in your recovery, and thanks for the well wishes on our attempts to start a family. We're both very excited about it.

[Beckybecks]

If it's any help at all, I was on Prozac, on and off for ten years. I found I had no appetite when I took them and the pharmacist confirmed that this does happen. Also in the early days I would feel very sleepy.

Eventually your system will adjust, your appetite will return and you'll feel completely normal again.

Anxiety can do awful things to your appetite too, either not being able to eat at all or wanting to devour the entire refrigerator.... :)

When I couldn't eat and found my weight dropping (somehing else to be anxious about! Lol). I started mixing up a very thin cereal with loads if milk that I could drink. Also soup goes down easily.

[chiguy]

Thanks Becky! It's very reassuring to hear so many stories of full recovery once back on the appropriate medication and therapy. I'm tackling both head on right now.

It's only been 2 months but boy would I enjoy loving food again. Hopefully the anxiety starts to level out soon so my appetite returns.

Again, I appreciate your response. It is very comforting, so thank you.

[chiguy]

Happy Monday everyone.

Well, I'm on day 7 of the bump to 20mg. Had a tough weekend; went home to see my parents with my brother and alot of things that I was always oblivious too really came into focus. My father is very much detached from social situations at all, and has a very difficult time sitting still. My mother feels trapped at their very rural home and doesn't have anyone to vent to. My brother broke down with 15 minutes of getting into our 4 hour drive about his issues.

What was supposed to be a healing weekend, became a bit of a family coping session. In some sense, it did show me that much of what I am experiencing now may be learned over time and is simply manifesting itself now in extreme anxiety.

I got home and broke down with my wife again; let her know how sorry I was for the past 5-6 years of detachment and emotional unavailability. She has been very supportive through this, so I realized I need to let her know far more often when I'm really struggling.

I was very nervous on Saturday about coming to work today, but so far, I've been alright. I have a meeting with my psychiatrist this evening to discuss the weeks events and then one with my psychologist on Thursday to do the same.

Appetite continues to be a serious issue. I had a shake and banana this morning, and have to go to a work lunch at 1130am. I sure hope I can eat something!

Because my wife and I bond so much over eating out and going to restaurants here in Chicago, I think alot of worry is getting placed on eating, which isn't helping the situation. As my new dose of Prozac starts to settle in, I am hopeful for a return of my appetite.

I have to be careful not to load my families' issues onto my shoulders right now. That would do more harm then good. I'm continuing to work on healing myself and my relationship with my wife. Hopeful for more solid movement there.

I hope you are all doing well, and again...thank you for listening.

[chiguy]

Ok. Day 11 on 20mg Prozac (fluoxtetine)

Had a solid week. Still very anxious but controllable. Work hasn't faltered as much.

Appetite isn't where I want it to be, but I definitely ate more this week than I have in 2 months, so that's something.

Therapy has been very beneficial for me, and I encourage folks to try that solution. I've mainly been trying to stay positive and force myself into uncomfortable situations so that I can realize it's not that bad. Understand that this is just me and that might not help everyone here.

Just wanted to tell you all that I'm putting in some hard work and it's SLOWLY paying off. Keep at your own program; we'll get there together. I hope you all have a great weekend.

CG

[netminder1976]

I've also just made the jump to 20mg of Prozac from being on 10 mg for a month . Been feeling really weird and detached for the last couple days, really tired lately as well. Good to see you are starting to feel a little better Chiguy, hopefully your appetite gets back soon, mine has been pretty much absent as well.

[chiguy]

I've also just made the jump to 20mg of Prozac from being on 10 mg for a month . Been feeling really weird and detached for the last couple days, really tired lately as well. Good to see you are starting to feel a little better Chiguy, hopefully your appetite gets back soon, mine has been pretty much absent as well.

Thanks netminder. I'm still dealing with some detachment and weird feelings too, but it's clear that it's all because of the anxiety as well as the personal issues that have come up due to therapy. I have a lot of stuff to work out, but I'm determined to get healthy and recover fully.

You're doing great! Keep it up!

[chiguy]

Hi everyone, day 15 on 20mg prozac

A few things to note: I am much more controlled and that seems to continue to stabilize. I am still having the occasional "pre panic attack" or "disillusionment" episode, but, for the most part can snap out of it quickly. I'm taking barely any Klonopin (maybe .125mg/day) just in case I feel it getting intense.

I was able to spend 5-6 hours out and about in Chicago on Saturday with the wife and had a good time. We're also house hunting and I was able to go to multiple showings without an episode.

Yesterday at work felt great; first time I really felt like me at work in a few months. Today, though has been a little tough. I think because the past few days have gone so well that I'm nervous of losing it again. Have to get over that hurdle.

I go through waves of feeling present and not present, but I really think that's just the anxiety/panic playing tricks on me. When I've been calm over the last week, it's felt wonderful. Hoping to continue this progress. It's apparent even though I'm fighting with it that the anxiety, not the medicine, is making me detach a bit.

Lots of self esteem issues to sort out, as well as emotional availability to my spouse and family that have festered for years.

Appetite has VASTLY improved; definitely some food related anxiety at play here though. Working through that slowly as well.

Also, still a bit detached from sports/music etc; the things I most like and enjoy. Again, it's almost as if I'm not allowing myself to fall back in love with my passions. Silly, yet significant.

More work on thursday with my psychologist. Thanks for listening, as always.

[hermionegranger]

Glad to hear of your progress chiguy! Definitely gives me hope as I recently started Prozac and am currently at Day 5 of 10mg. Hopefully the detachment fades soon; if it's any help I really empathize with it since I have been feeling the exact same way recently. Just a question - did your anxiety intensify when you first began taking Prozac? I ask only because that is the case for me and I'm unsure how normal it is/how to deal with it.

[chiguy]

Glad to hear of your progress chiguy! Definitely gives me hope as I recently started Prozac and am currently at Day 5 of 10mg. Hopefully the detachment fades soon; if it's any help I really empathize with it since I have been feeling the exact same way recently. Just a question - did your anxiety intensify when you first began taking Prozac? I ask only because that is the case for me and I'm unsure how normal it is/how to deal with it.

It 100% increased early on. I was on 10mg for 4 weeks prior to these 2 weeks at 20mg. For that first 4 weeks and then again for the first 4-5 days on 20mg, my anxiety was through the roof. It gets much much better. HANG IN THERE. YOU'RE DOING GREAT!

[chiguy]

Day 22, 20mg prozac

Had a very productive weekend; made it out to dinner with my wife on Friday, had a BBQ on Saturday with friends, went to the Botanical Gardens on Sunday, and relaxed yesterday after running some errands.

I'm feeling better, I am, but I still can't shake the detachment at times and I'm still getting used to what it feels like to be "aware" of my anxiety most of the time. Just figuring out what to write here is tough because it's such a moving target.

I have to stop reading about mental health on the internet. I basically self-diagnose myself with everything which starts the panic and anxiety all over again. It's not helpful and I need to resist the urge to constantly run to the internet for validation every time I feel "off".

Additionally, I had my latest therapy session last Thursday and it was less interactive. I didn't have as much to share with the therapist and I had a discouraging moment. I caught him dozing off a couple times...it really stopped me in my tracks. I knew I shut down about midway through.

I am speaking to a new potential therapist on the phone today and will see if it feels like a fit. I really want to keep up on my progress with the therapy so we'll see what happens.

I am working through my communication, emotional availability and self esteem issues and over time, am hopeful that once I become more happy with myself that my anxiety will settle down.

The last time I went through this (roughly 10 years ago) it felt like I was "cured" so much faster, but I never really attacked the underlying causes. This has been both frustrating (as I want the quick fix) but also enlightening (I want to get it right this time). I think my recovery this time around will be more complete and satisfying.

Anyways, hope you are all doing well/better. Thanks for listening!

[chiguy]

An observation:

Every time I feel like I'm getting out from under the cloud (last night was a very good night as was early this AM), the next day or days is always a rush of really bad anxiety and almost constant panic. As today has gone on, I've been fighting off waves of big time anxiety and panic attack symptoms. It totally sucks.

Am I basically so scared of the anxiety returning that this behavior on it's own is making the cycle continue? Probably so.

[chiguy]

Day 29, 20mg Prozac

I'm feeling like progress is being made, but anxiety is a tricky beast. Unfortunately, I think that the chronic anxiety has made me depressed and I'm now dealing with a lot of "what does it all mean" and "why am I here" type thoughts. It's weird; I've become most scared and anxious of participating in the things I used to love the most; dinners, concerts, etc. I still have a lot of self doubt and wondering who I am. I know that I'm still the same person and I'm letting the anxiety "define" me, but that realization on it's own isn't enough to alleviate the stress.

The major anxiety time period has shifted and settled in the mornings and right after lunch. My evenings have been progressively getting better, so long as I don't have to leave the house. My birthday was on Saturday and we drove to another state here in the US to see a concert. I enjoyed the day, but the anxiety prior to it was almost unbearable. I'm glad I pushed through it and enjoyed most of the experience.

I miss my carefree, adventurous self and am trying to claw my way back to that person; the one that i know is truly me.

Ever since my first bout with panic attacks 10+ years ago, I've shut down emotionally, and re-acclimating to emotions has been a roller coaster. I'm still feeling major urges to sob uncontrollably, and I'm very much ashamed of myself for closing down for so long. That said, my wife has said I've been more available and loving in the past two months than I ever have, and we're doing really good communicating, etc. I just need to find the balance now of ensuring her (and my) needs are met emotionally while still allowing myself to enjoy my other interests. Emotions, like anxiety, need to be allocated in a healthy way across your life. I am learning this the hard way.

Stomach and appetite are still all over the place, so I'm just trying to graze as much as I can and eat a lot when I'm feeling good about it. I am fairly confident I have an unhealthy relationship with food and that is part of the issue as well.

I sure hope you're all having a good day. As always, thanks for letting me vent. :)

[chiguy]

Hi everyone -

I haven't been on the board in over 3 weeks, but I wanted to share some positive news, especially since reading the stories of those of you that got through tough spells was really encouraging for me during the worst of my issues in April/May 2016.

I have now been on 20mg Fluoxetine (prozac) for 51 days and I feel immensely better. I have gone to a psychologist weekly during the entire time to weed out where this is coming from.

For me, the mixture of medication and talk therapy has been invaluable. I have worked really, really hard to remind myself of the positives in life and it's just now starting to feel like I'm back to my old self. I hope these words are encouraging because I can tell you I felt many, if not all of the feelings those of you that are still suffering from and there is HOPE.

I still have bad moments, but that's normal for healthy people and through therapy, I've learned how to acknowledge those feelings and determine the source.

I found that for me, the communication within my marriage as well as my family life was profoundly lacking and that over time, it made me a shell of the person I once was. I also now know that depression and anxiety run in my family, so medication had to be an option for me.

My self esteem is/was absurdly low due to some poor life choices. That is a work in progress.

Point being, I hope this in some way helps some of you. Please do recognize that there is hope. I stopped visiting this site everyday because it was scary; now I can slowly return and hopefully give encouragement to others!

Thanks again everyone for all the responses and for simply listening. It means the world to me...truly it does.

CG

[swgrl09]

Nice to hear you are feeling better!!! Sticking it out can make a big difference and I'm sure going to the psychologist is also helping. You deserve to feel better :hugs:

[chiguy]

Nice to hear you are feeling better!!! Sticking it out can make a big difference and I'm sure going to the psychologist is also helping. You deserve to feel better :hugs:

thank you very much :bighug1: