hermionegranger
12-05-16, 06:20
Hey guys so I would really love some advice or support for my current situation, as I feel my ability to function slipping away from me. This post will probably be kind of long since I just have to get this all "out there".
Preface: When I was much younger (about 9 or 10), I would have constant breakdowns about death at night, mostly characterized by hysterical crying and the like. I saw a therapist for a bit, but it calmed down after a few months and was manageable. Since then, I have always had a huge fear of death but was mostly able to ignore it except for the occasional problem. I also have always been an anxious person, biting my nails, stressed out, etc., but once again it was never crippling whatsoever.
Flash forward to the beginning of this March (I'm now 19) I caught a gastrointestinal illness from a friend while she was staying at my house. I was supposed to go to a Broadway show that night with two others, but when I got there I felt extremely faint and had to leave. My stomach pain lasted for a few days, during which I completely lost my appetite, which is normal for a virus. At some point, this illness transformed into some sort of anxiety issue. Seven days later, I still had no appetite and was completely unable to leave my house for fear of passing out or throwing up in public. I felt dizzy all the time and had to cancel a trip worth thousands of dollars because of it. Within ten days, I had lost ten pounds and was eating less than 400 calories a day. After having multiple breakdowns when I tried to go outside for extended periods of time, I went to a therapist who prescribed me Ativan and Zoloft (and who I still see).
I then had to return to college, and began drinking Ensure/Benecalorie to stop losing weight and taking Ativan multiple times a day to be able to go to class. I was in a total fog and had several panic attacks for the next few weeks after that. I began to get better, until I tried starting on the Zoloft which had an awful effect on me. The first day I took it I had an episode in which I was sweating bullets and could barely move, followed by extreme heart palpitations and a high fever that night (I legitimately thought I was dying). I immediately stopped taking it, and by the end of that week I had begun to gain my appetite back and to wean myself off of the Ativan.
I did really well for a while, and then the night of April 17th I had a major panic attack about death. It hit me out of nowhere, and I could not stop thinking about it. Since then, I have been thinking about it constantly, about how I'm going to die and how final it is, etc. It has made me feel de-realized and de-personalized, and I cannot interact normally with people or pay full attention to anything because I can't get it out of my mind. At first it was very general death anxiety, but now it has mutated in several ways. I have developed a huge fear of flying, something I've done for years, to the extent that I have convinced myself I will never get on a plane ever again. I also am terrified of being the victim of a terrorist attack or murder, specifically in a large crowd or at a public event. This in particular is an issue since I will be in New York City the whole summer, and will have to take the subway every day to work. I also have tickets to a number of concerts, including a music festival that hundreds of thousands of people go to. I know I have to just go through with these things, but I feel I will definitely have a panic attack or at least be hyper-vigilant the entire time and not be able to enjoy myself. Finally, my health anxiety has skyrocketed, specifically about having a brain tumor. All of these have a common theme: lack of control. I cannot control what a plane does, or if a cancer develops in my body, or if a terrorist bombs where I am.
With all of these things, I know that rationally they just won't happen, but I can't help feeling that I'm just destined to die in the near future. And even when I'm not feeling that way, I'm working myself up over dying when I'm older and never being able to experience anything ever again. As a result, I have become obsessed with doing anything I can do avoid these 'dangerous' situations, which is leading to bad reclusive tendencies. I also spend hours upon hours each day Googling related things, which is obviously unproductive and a bad idea.
I've had to go back to taking Ativan fairly regularly, although the doses are small enough that my therapist says it's OK. I plan on starting another anti-depressant once I get home from school next week, so I hope that will have a positive effect. My appetite has certainly gotten better since that first month, but I am still losing weight (I have lost in total about 16 pounds since March, bringing me down to 115 at a height of 5'7"). My eating habits have gotten extremely irregular - I will go eight or nine hours without eating some days and other days binge-eat unhealthy food. I often feel faint or start shaking when I have death-related thoughts, or I just zone out entirely and am unable to focus on my work. I have been crying all the time and the normal things I used to use as distractors or to make me feel better have been failing. Finally, my difficulty with falling asleep has increased dramatically - I will sit in bed for hours before I doze off at 4 or 5 am.
At this point, I feel like I am becoming agoraphobic/unable to lead any sort of life without constant awareness of my own mortality and fear that I will die imminently. I apologize for typing so much! It has been a really difficult few months and I feel it just getting worse despite my therapy and some medication. Any advice or support would be really really appreciated.
Preface: When I was much younger (about 9 or 10), I would have constant breakdowns about death at night, mostly characterized by hysterical crying and the like. I saw a therapist for a bit, but it calmed down after a few months and was manageable. Since then, I have always had a huge fear of death but was mostly able to ignore it except for the occasional problem. I also have always been an anxious person, biting my nails, stressed out, etc., but once again it was never crippling whatsoever.
Flash forward to the beginning of this March (I'm now 19) I caught a gastrointestinal illness from a friend while she was staying at my house. I was supposed to go to a Broadway show that night with two others, but when I got there I felt extremely faint and had to leave. My stomach pain lasted for a few days, during which I completely lost my appetite, which is normal for a virus. At some point, this illness transformed into some sort of anxiety issue. Seven days later, I still had no appetite and was completely unable to leave my house for fear of passing out or throwing up in public. I felt dizzy all the time and had to cancel a trip worth thousands of dollars because of it. Within ten days, I had lost ten pounds and was eating less than 400 calories a day. After having multiple breakdowns when I tried to go outside for extended periods of time, I went to a therapist who prescribed me Ativan and Zoloft (and who I still see).
I then had to return to college, and began drinking Ensure/Benecalorie to stop losing weight and taking Ativan multiple times a day to be able to go to class. I was in a total fog and had several panic attacks for the next few weeks after that. I began to get better, until I tried starting on the Zoloft which had an awful effect on me. The first day I took it I had an episode in which I was sweating bullets and could barely move, followed by extreme heart palpitations and a high fever that night (I legitimately thought I was dying). I immediately stopped taking it, and by the end of that week I had begun to gain my appetite back and to wean myself off of the Ativan.
I did really well for a while, and then the night of April 17th I had a major panic attack about death. It hit me out of nowhere, and I could not stop thinking about it. Since then, I have been thinking about it constantly, about how I'm going to die and how final it is, etc. It has made me feel de-realized and de-personalized, and I cannot interact normally with people or pay full attention to anything because I can't get it out of my mind. At first it was very general death anxiety, but now it has mutated in several ways. I have developed a huge fear of flying, something I've done for years, to the extent that I have convinced myself I will never get on a plane ever again. I also am terrified of being the victim of a terrorist attack or murder, specifically in a large crowd or at a public event. This in particular is an issue since I will be in New York City the whole summer, and will have to take the subway every day to work. I also have tickets to a number of concerts, including a music festival that hundreds of thousands of people go to. I know I have to just go through with these things, but I feel I will definitely have a panic attack or at least be hyper-vigilant the entire time and not be able to enjoy myself. Finally, my health anxiety has skyrocketed, specifically about having a brain tumor. All of these have a common theme: lack of control. I cannot control what a plane does, or if a cancer develops in my body, or if a terrorist bombs where I am.
With all of these things, I know that rationally they just won't happen, but I can't help feeling that I'm just destined to die in the near future. And even when I'm not feeling that way, I'm working myself up over dying when I'm older and never being able to experience anything ever again. As a result, I have become obsessed with doing anything I can do avoid these 'dangerous' situations, which is leading to bad reclusive tendencies. I also spend hours upon hours each day Googling related things, which is obviously unproductive and a bad idea.
I've had to go back to taking Ativan fairly regularly, although the doses are small enough that my therapist says it's OK. I plan on starting another anti-depressant once I get home from school next week, so I hope that will have a positive effect. My appetite has certainly gotten better since that first month, but I am still losing weight (I have lost in total about 16 pounds since March, bringing me down to 115 at a height of 5'7"). My eating habits have gotten extremely irregular - I will go eight or nine hours without eating some days and other days binge-eat unhealthy food. I often feel faint or start shaking when I have death-related thoughts, or I just zone out entirely and am unable to focus on my work. I have been crying all the time and the normal things I used to use as distractors or to make me feel better have been failing. Finally, my difficulty with falling asleep has increased dramatically - I will sit in bed for hours before I doze off at 4 or 5 am.
At this point, I feel like I am becoming agoraphobic/unable to lead any sort of life without constant awareness of my own mortality and fear that I will die imminently. I apologize for typing so much! It has been a really difficult few months and I feel it just getting worse despite my therapy and some medication. Any advice or support would be really really appreciated.