gothic_rose
12-05-16, 12:35
hello all, I made a few posts here a cpl of years ago and have revisited just to get all of this out, Im not asking for replies or answers I just need an outlet. It will be long but will try and condense as much as possable.
I had my first panic attack aged 20 in 2000. A cpl of moths prior my favourite uncle passed during the night of a massive heart attack. It was sudden and unexpected and he was alone. It turned out the heart attack was due to a faulty heart valve nobody. My uncle had cerebral palsy and this heart defect is now known to be associated with this condition, but we never knew this until he died.
My mother started having panic attacks. She has ALWAYS been a typical hypochondriac and probably always will be. Anyway she started thinking " if my brother had an undiagnosed heart defect. I could too". After a while this had an affect on me too and I started thinking " well maybe it could also happen to me". That year I was also due to get married abroad, which was pretty stupid seeing as I have a intense fear of flying, so that was defianty causing me lots of worry as well.
After that first attack for 2 years I had daily, severe panic attacks. First at night because I was convinced I would go to bed have a heart attack and die like my uncle. Then I was getting them during the day, on the bus, at work. I started getting more then 1 a day. They lasted for hours. I was exhausted. Drs told me I had panic disorder but I did t recieve any help just half hearted offers of anti-depressants.
Then all of a sudden they started to get less. And bizzarly when I became pregnant with my first child they DISSAPEARED. I did nt have another one for 8 YEARS!
I was diagnosed in 2009 with BPD. I had always known something was going on but that was when I was finally told what it was. I had CBT and meds for a year to help me with the symptoms. However, thankfully my BPD has ever been a massive life chaging problem although the symptoms can sometimes esculate and get difficult but I accept them and I deal with it.
I had my second child in 2012, and thats when it all started again. He was a difficult baby with colic and reflux who never slept. On top of that, a few months after the birth I discovered I may have suffered a vaginal prolapse. I cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was. Then came a nervous breakdown and 2 years of mental illness, all brought about by my fear of having a prolapse. MY BPD symptoms resurfaced and were a 1000x worse. And the panic attacks came back along with a new diagnosis. Health Anxiety.
For 1 year I googled, saw specialists, checked myself for symptoms, refused to exersise, could barely leave the house. I was obsessed with prolapse. I thought I had every type you could imagine, had every symptom you could think of. t did nt help that every time I saw a dr or a specialist they changed their minds about what type I had or how bad it was. I was permantly anxious, felt sick all the time, developed IBS, cried constantly. Eventually I saw another specialist in 2014, a physio whom gave me the news I did nt have a prolapse. I had suffered some normal post childbirth damage that had taken a long time to heal but there was no prolapse and if I had one after the birth it was nt there now. Despite the news and sheer relief I had gotten so used to dismissig everybodys opinion but my ow, it took another year to get better. To stop checking, to trust the drs and believe there was nothing wrong with me. I went back to CBT and in the end I got there.
However the panic attacks have never gone away. Sometimes they are everyday, then I go several weeks or days without one. They can last hours even up to a day. Rather then focusing on prolapse they have again become centered on heart attacks. If I get a twinge, or sensation in my chest, arms, shoulders, neck or jaw, it sets me off, and then the panic attack gives me chest pains. However the chest pain/sensations always kick in before the awareness of the anxiety which really does nt help!
Now I seem to have developed in recent months a generalised condition of health anxiety. If my children are ill, even with a cold or tummy bug I fall apart and literally have to have an other adult with me to help look after them. I just become an emotional wreck. I am constantly concerned they are going to get sick.
Regarding myself, I have pretty much become worried about everything regarding illness. I am permantly anxious and tearful. I experienced vertigo for the first time 3 days ago, no idea why and just freaked out. Im worried my dizxy spell means heart problems as when the dr checked me my bp and heart rate were rather high. However I had it all checked again yesterday and its now ok. Curretly I have pain in my neck and shoulders and left arm, diarreah, my vision is a little blurry, had a headache for 3 days and have a horrible blood rushing sensation in my nose. The dr says I have a virus.Amazingly I have nt yet had a panic attack since this happened although spent a large portion of yesterday fighting one off.
Im tired of it. Im tired of the worrying and feeling like I am turning into my mother. My husband feels helpless, and that makes me feel guilty. I am often so anxious or emotional or the panic attacks so severe I have to have my mother in law or a friend babysitting me to help me get through my day. Housework has become difficult as has leaving the house. Im too distracted by my my imaginary health issues and anxiety to focus on anything that normally gives me joy. Im scared to take medication because I am worried about the side effects. Im used to being scared about heart attacks but where all this fear has come from I dont know. I dont know why I have become frightened of getting ill and I dont know how to get past it.
I had my first panic attack aged 20 in 2000. A cpl of moths prior my favourite uncle passed during the night of a massive heart attack. It was sudden and unexpected and he was alone. It turned out the heart attack was due to a faulty heart valve nobody. My uncle had cerebral palsy and this heart defect is now known to be associated with this condition, but we never knew this until he died.
My mother started having panic attacks. She has ALWAYS been a typical hypochondriac and probably always will be. Anyway she started thinking " if my brother had an undiagnosed heart defect. I could too". After a while this had an affect on me too and I started thinking " well maybe it could also happen to me". That year I was also due to get married abroad, which was pretty stupid seeing as I have a intense fear of flying, so that was defianty causing me lots of worry as well.
After that first attack for 2 years I had daily, severe panic attacks. First at night because I was convinced I would go to bed have a heart attack and die like my uncle. Then I was getting them during the day, on the bus, at work. I started getting more then 1 a day. They lasted for hours. I was exhausted. Drs told me I had panic disorder but I did t recieve any help just half hearted offers of anti-depressants.
Then all of a sudden they started to get less. And bizzarly when I became pregnant with my first child they DISSAPEARED. I did nt have another one for 8 YEARS!
I was diagnosed in 2009 with BPD. I had always known something was going on but that was when I was finally told what it was. I had CBT and meds for a year to help me with the symptoms. However, thankfully my BPD has ever been a massive life chaging problem although the symptoms can sometimes esculate and get difficult but I accept them and I deal with it.
I had my second child in 2012, and thats when it all started again. He was a difficult baby with colic and reflux who never slept. On top of that, a few months after the birth I discovered I may have suffered a vaginal prolapse. I cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was. Then came a nervous breakdown and 2 years of mental illness, all brought about by my fear of having a prolapse. MY BPD symptoms resurfaced and were a 1000x worse. And the panic attacks came back along with a new diagnosis. Health Anxiety.
For 1 year I googled, saw specialists, checked myself for symptoms, refused to exersise, could barely leave the house. I was obsessed with prolapse. I thought I had every type you could imagine, had every symptom you could think of. t did nt help that every time I saw a dr or a specialist they changed their minds about what type I had or how bad it was. I was permantly anxious, felt sick all the time, developed IBS, cried constantly. Eventually I saw another specialist in 2014, a physio whom gave me the news I did nt have a prolapse. I had suffered some normal post childbirth damage that had taken a long time to heal but there was no prolapse and if I had one after the birth it was nt there now. Despite the news and sheer relief I had gotten so used to dismissig everybodys opinion but my ow, it took another year to get better. To stop checking, to trust the drs and believe there was nothing wrong with me. I went back to CBT and in the end I got there.
However the panic attacks have never gone away. Sometimes they are everyday, then I go several weeks or days without one. They can last hours even up to a day. Rather then focusing on prolapse they have again become centered on heart attacks. If I get a twinge, or sensation in my chest, arms, shoulders, neck or jaw, it sets me off, and then the panic attack gives me chest pains. However the chest pain/sensations always kick in before the awareness of the anxiety which really does nt help!
Now I seem to have developed in recent months a generalised condition of health anxiety. If my children are ill, even with a cold or tummy bug I fall apart and literally have to have an other adult with me to help look after them. I just become an emotional wreck. I am constantly concerned they are going to get sick.
Regarding myself, I have pretty much become worried about everything regarding illness. I am permantly anxious and tearful. I experienced vertigo for the first time 3 days ago, no idea why and just freaked out. Im worried my dizxy spell means heart problems as when the dr checked me my bp and heart rate were rather high. However I had it all checked again yesterday and its now ok. Curretly I have pain in my neck and shoulders and left arm, diarreah, my vision is a little blurry, had a headache for 3 days and have a horrible blood rushing sensation in my nose. The dr says I have a virus.Amazingly I have nt yet had a panic attack since this happened although spent a large portion of yesterday fighting one off.
Im tired of it. Im tired of the worrying and feeling like I am turning into my mother. My husband feels helpless, and that makes me feel guilty. I am often so anxious or emotional or the panic attacks so severe I have to have my mother in law or a friend babysitting me to help me get through my day. Housework has become difficult as has leaving the house. Im too distracted by my my imaginary health issues and anxiety to focus on anything that normally gives me joy. Im scared to take medication because I am worried about the side effects. Im used to being scared about heart attacks but where all this fear has come from I dont know. I dont know why I have become frightened of getting ill and I dont know how to get past it.