citoyenlambda
14-05-16, 20:56
About 1.5 months ago, on an evening like any other evening, I felt a sharp pain in my left arm. I used to believe that random, nagging pains were something everybody felt at one point for another, and I had no trouble brushing them aside. That evening, for some reason, I became convinced I was having a heart attack.
Breathing became harder, my peripheral vision became blurred, my stomach became hard as rock and I had a lot of trouble digesting. I can't say I have "panic attacks" per se because every time I feel frightened by some symptom and I feel my brain panicking (vision narrowing, harder to breathe, etc), my heart beats a steady 55-60 bpm. It's totally unconcerned by what's going on. It's really weird.
Anyway, I eventually managed to fall asleep, but something changed in me. I started obsessing about my heart, taking my pulse, my blood pressure. The random pains started focusing on my chest which was very distressing.
As the days went, it became clear that I wasn't being rational, given that I wasn't dead yet. I started calming down a bit. But then my left upper eyelid started twitching. Now I was convinced something wasn't right in my brain or CNS. I started worrying again.
Then it went away so abruptly I didn't even notice it had stopped. Unfortunately, by the time I realized it, I was convinced my vision had changed somehow (I never could put a finger on how exactly) and I started getting recurrent tension headaches. "Obvious" answer : brain tumour.
Eventually, I figured out that the funky vision and headaches were caused by my new-found lack of sleep and my new hobby of Googling crap I felt in my body and reading the myriad deaths that awaited me. Eye drops and staying away from Google helped.
Then I started sleeping really badly. I used to sleep like a log, but now I'd wake up multiple times per night and have real trouble going back to sleep. What did I have? Not anxiety. Nah. Fatal insomnia syndrome. You know, that genetic disease specialists found in like 15 families worldwide?
Then I started having trouble digesting. Big time. I could burp hours after eating and my stomach felt like it was trying to process a brick, now matter what or how little I ate. My bowels started acting funny. One week I could be as regular as Swiss clockwork, the next week I'd be jammed like the 401 at rush hour. One day I took Pepto-Bismol and the next day, my stool was black and happened to be softer than usual. I thought I was bleeding internally. I never even thought about the Pepto. And of course, my digestion problems were stomach cancer. Since then, I give my crap a check before flushing, which is both really disgusting and really disturbing, but I'm just too scared of it changing without my noticing, heralding some sort of liver problem.
Speaking of liver problems, I've had pain there too. And one day, my stool was off-colour by just a bit, so of course something was wrong with my liver.
Then, two weeks ago, I was just about to fall asleep when I suddenly felt like I was falling in my bed. It was an extremely weird sensation, as if all my blood suddenly rushed to my head. I jolted up, my heart was pounding like mad. More neurological problems. This happened one other time since then. I now know that this is called a hypnic jerk and it is not a concern.
Two days ago, I was in my bed again, trying to sleep, when my leg kicked on its own. Weird, but my grandmother, my mom and my sister all have RLS, so as far as crazy diagnoses go, this could actually be likely if only because of genetics. I turn around, trying to relax and sleep. My arm jerks. Oh, Hell no. Now it can't be restless legs syndrome, can it? Well, as it turns out, it could, but that's besides the point. Obviously I have something terrible and rare, not something mundane and common (and not threatening) like RLS or better yet, an anxiety disorder.
The worst part is that when I speak to doctors about all of this I seem to be speaking a foreign language. I'm not sure I'm really getting across how frightening thinking like that all day, every day is, and how much it affects my life. I took an appointment with a shrink once, and after I said my piece I was told that it was atypical and nothing else? Needless to say, I didn't get any help there. She sent me on my way with a pat on the back. I guess I drew the short straw. I'm followed by a social worker (I have Asperger syndrome, that at least I know is not deadly) and when I talk about this, she does not seem to think it's that bad either?
I used to be into amateur astronomy. I really liked looking at the planets, the stars and all the other points of interest of our vast universe. I can't do it anymore because it makes me feel insignificant and terrified instead of amazed at the wonder of creation as it used to. I can't stop thinking about death and how scared I am of it, especially since I haven't had the time to do anything with my life yet.
I took an appointment with my GP for a health check-up, it's next week, I took it 3 weeks ago. In all probability I have nothing, but at this point I don't need help with my physical health, I need help with my mental health, and when I tried to get it I was turned away with nothing. It's been only 1.5 months since this started and I can already say that it's ruining my life.
I don't know where to turn to or what to do to get this under control. It depresses me that I could drop dead at any moment and yet I have nothing to show for my trouble. I'm scared of the accounting or lack thereof I'll get on the other side. The gates or the void - either are terrifying to me. Obviously this health anxiety stems from feeling inadequate and a fear of not being able to be adequate, but I'm not sure where to start to unravel this.
Breathing became harder, my peripheral vision became blurred, my stomach became hard as rock and I had a lot of trouble digesting. I can't say I have "panic attacks" per se because every time I feel frightened by some symptom and I feel my brain panicking (vision narrowing, harder to breathe, etc), my heart beats a steady 55-60 bpm. It's totally unconcerned by what's going on. It's really weird.
Anyway, I eventually managed to fall asleep, but something changed in me. I started obsessing about my heart, taking my pulse, my blood pressure. The random pains started focusing on my chest which was very distressing.
As the days went, it became clear that I wasn't being rational, given that I wasn't dead yet. I started calming down a bit. But then my left upper eyelid started twitching. Now I was convinced something wasn't right in my brain or CNS. I started worrying again.
Then it went away so abruptly I didn't even notice it had stopped. Unfortunately, by the time I realized it, I was convinced my vision had changed somehow (I never could put a finger on how exactly) and I started getting recurrent tension headaches. "Obvious" answer : brain tumour.
Eventually, I figured out that the funky vision and headaches were caused by my new-found lack of sleep and my new hobby of Googling crap I felt in my body and reading the myriad deaths that awaited me. Eye drops and staying away from Google helped.
Then I started sleeping really badly. I used to sleep like a log, but now I'd wake up multiple times per night and have real trouble going back to sleep. What did I have? Not anxiety. Nah. Fatal insomnia syndrome. You know, that genetic disease specialists found in like 15 families worldwide?
Then I started having trouble digesting. Big time. I could burp hours after eating and my stomach felt like it was trying to process a brick, now matter what or how little I ate. My bowels started acting funny. One week I could be as regular as Swiss clockwork, the next week I'd be jammed like the 401 at rush hour. One day I took Pepto-Bismol and the next day, my stool was black and happened to be softer than usual. I thought I was bleeding internally. I never even thought about the Pepto. And of course, my digestion problems were stomach cancer. Since then, I give my crap a check before flushing, which is both really disgusting and really disturbing, but I'm just too scared of it changing without my noticing, heralding some sort of liver problem.
Speaking of liver problems, I've had pain there too. And one day, my stool was off-colour by just a bit, so of course something was wrong with my liver.
Then, two weeks ago, I was just about to fall asleep when I suddenly felt like I was falling in my bed. It was an extremely weird sensation, as if all my blood suddenly rushed to my head. I jolted up, my heart was pounding like mad. More neurological problems. This happened one other time since then. I now know that this is called a hypnic jerk and it is not a concern.
Two days ago, I was in my bed again, trying to sleep, when my leg kicked on its own. Weird, but my grandmother, my mom and my sister all have RLS, so as far as crazy diagnoses go, this could actually be likely if only because of genetics. I turn around, trying to relax and sleep. My arm jerks. Oh, Hell no. Now it can't be restless legs syndrome, can it? Well, as it turns out, it could, but that's besides the point. Obviously I have something terrible and rare, not something mundane and common (and not threatening) like RLS or better yet, an anxiety disorder.
The worst part is that when I speak to doctors about all of this I seem to be speaking a foreign language. I'm not sure I'm really getting across how frightening thinking like that all day, every day is, and how much it affects my life. I took an appointment with a shrink once, and after I said my piece I was told that it was atypical and nothing else? Needless to say, I didn't get any help there. She sent me on my way with a pat on the back. I guess I drew the short straw. I'm followed by a social worker (I have Asperger syndrome, that at least I know is not deadly) and when I talk about this, she does not seem to think it's that bad either?
I used to be into amateur astronomy. I really liked looking at the planets, the stars and all the other points of interest of our vast universe. I can't do it anymore because it makes me feel insignificant and terrified instead of amazed at the wonder of creation as it used to. I can't stop thinking about death and how scared I am of it, especially since I haven't had the time to do anything with my life yet.
I took an appointment with my GP for a health check-up, it's next week, I took it 3 weeks ago. In all probability I have nothing, but at this point I don't need help with my physical health, I need help with my mental health, and when I tried to get it I was turned away with nothing. It's been only 1.5 months since this started and I can already say that it's ruining my life.
I don't know where to turn to or what to do to get this under control. It depresses me that I could drop dead at any moment and yet I have nothing to show for my trouble. I'm scared of the accounting or lack thereof I'll get on the other side. The gates or the void - either are terrifying to me. Obviously this health anxiety stems from feeling inadequate and a fear of not being able to be adequate, but I'm not sure where to start to unravel this.