The Crazy Makers... How many of you have them?

[Hears The Water]

By the crazy makers I mean people in your life that "encourage" the crazy behaviour in your life. Or even caused the mistaken beliefs that started you down this road. My crazy makers where my mom and dad. Long story short, my dad was physically and verbally abusive and my mom was mentally abusive. Most people would think that dad is the problem but in reality it was my mom. She was the driving force behind him. If you where to meet her right now you would probably think she was just fine. It realy is hard to put into words how she is. Just trust me when I say that she is a huge huge part of why I am the way I am. Now, this is not to say that I spend all of my days blaming her. (I used to do that) I am responisble for what I choose to do with my life now that I see her for what she is. I am the one responsible for "fixing" myself. I chose to no longer see or talk to her 3 years ago. My dad has come by a handfull of times in that 3 years and we have had to call the police and file charges since he is violent. But I have not seen mom in all that time. There have been many times that I missed her, what she should have been. Now she is sick. Realy sick. She is 74 and they think she is experienceing TIA's (aka mini-strokes). My younger brother (whom I have only recently started to see and talk to again) wants to bring her out here to see me and my children. I am torn. I want to see her, but I know it will be no different and she will make me feel crazy and I will probably have a panic attack. But she is terrified and part of me wants to comfort her. As a Christian, I want to tell her about Jesus' forgiveness and love, but again, I fear how I will feel when I am in her presence.
I am curious, anyone else out there have simular things going on in their life? I did start to read your post Tara, and your mom sounds a lot like mine. I can so totally empathize with how you feel when she does her thing. And reading your post about how she freaked out when you wrote her realy struck a nerve, I am re-thinking my desire to write to my mom. ( I could not finish reading the whole 6 pages of your post Tara, but I will, so I can see how it is now) Any one else need to cut their family or another person out of their life? I would appreceate any and all input on this. I value y'alls opinions! Thanks in advance for any and all help.
God bless you and yours
Debbie

[seh1980]

hi Debbie,

I am not in a similar position to you but I do understand what a difficult choice you have to make. As a Christian, I do think that you should see her and your kids. However, only you know the extent of the harm that she can do. If you don't let her see you, then you might end up regretting it. If you do let her see you, then you will know that you have tried your best to have the best relationship possible with your mom.

Sarah :D

[minny]

You have just more or less summed up my life!!

My mum and I are not close in ANY way! My dad, although he was never abusive, turned a blind eye to how my mum was treating me. My dad was recently diagnosed with a rare and rapidly progressing form of cancer and he hasnt long left. My mum, for the first time in her life has started paying me attention and what hurts is thats this action is simply because she has absolutely no one else in her life who would care. My brother and sister deal with things in their own way. There are days when I get angry and I dont feel that she deserves my attention and then there are other times when the "good" person inside of me tells me that I should be there for her. The strange thing is that I know her being there will do me more harm and damage than it would good.

I sit sometimes not knowing what to do for the best and there is no answer. All I would say and I often say this to myself, is "follow your heart!" My heart has never ever let me down in the past although my head often talks complete rubbish!

Dont beat yourself up over this. Circumstances will often help you make a decision. Just trust your own judgement.

Good luck and best wishes

Minny...xxxx

[Meg]

Hi Debbie,

A proportion of anxiety sufferers are as they are due to long term family issues .

Often these people turn out to be perfectionists who had to be perfect or behave in a certain way to either gain approval or even get noticed or in contrast in order not to get hurt and abused . Often they have a need to be recognised in their new roles as they did not have this as children, many become carers and roles of public service wanting to make a difference to others lives.

They are likely still to be seeking for a ' proper' family or relationship and may still be struggling to learn how to conduct their own relationships/families as their role models were so unhelpful and have a strong sense of needing to belong

They will be extremely sensitive as they are used to being constantly ignored or 'put down'.

They may still be seeking answers to why they were treated like they were and still reviewing incidents that they may think they mishandled and thus 'deserve' the poor treatment they got.

You are absolutely right with your attitude to working through it so well done for managing to see past it all .

You could go and see Mum or meet somewhere near you but neutral so it wouldn't make memories in your home if it didn't work out well . Think about why you're meeting with her - is it for her , for you , for your children, for duty, to tell her some things you feel you want to , to get answers etcetc and be clear about what you want from it and that any potential upset is important enough for you to want to do this meeting .




Meg

It is impossible to get out of a problem by using the same kind of thinking that it took to get into it.
- Albert Einstein.

[nomorepanic]

Debbie

I would see her. You may regret it if you don't. If you panic then you will get over it, but if she died and you never saw her that may stay with you for a long time.

I know it will be hard to do, but this is something that I think you need to do once more.

Wishing you well.


Nicola

[Karen]

Hi Debbie

I have had very similar problems with my parents. When I was growing up I suffered mental abuse, which I am sure contributes to a lot of the problems I have today.

My dad is very controlling and manipulative. He has bullied and manipulated me for years, and is still trying to control my life. I am only now beginning to try to create some space between us and get control of my own life. My mum, on the other hand, is just not at all interested in me and has continually rejected me for years. I find this even more difficult to come to terms with because I can't understand why she treats me like this. I have two brothers with whom she has a good relationship but everytime I try to put the relationship between us right, she just rejects me again.

I am still in contact with my dad, despite the way he treats me. At the end of the day, no matter what he does he is still my dad and I can't even contemplate cutting off all contact with him. I hardly have any contact with mum now and I suppose I feel I need to have at least one of my parents in my life.

I am sure there are many of use who have had long term family problems which have contributed to the way we are today. I know I am very sensitive to any criticism and constantly fear rejection or being ignored.

It must be a difficult decision to make whether to see your mum again. I know I would probably feel I should see her if it was me but then I think you should do what is best for you. The most important thing, I think, if you see her is to try to do it in a way that you are the one in control of the situation. I hope it works out.

Briary

[sal]

Hi Debbie

Only you can judge your past and what you want to make of it now. However hard it feels for you, remember once they are gone you cant make it up.

I was adopted and from day one had a terrible relationship with my adoptive dad. When he died i wept the tears i should of but they were not genuine they were tears that i had never told him how he hurt me and made me feel.

I cant change that now and if given the chance i would.

If you want to make piece and put it behind you i would recommend you do it now as i live with a lot of regrets.

Simple case as Nic says cant change the past but we can change the future and we all forget that.

Good luck and will support you whatever you decide.



Love Sal xxxxx

[tara]

Hi Deb,

There have been so many times in the past when my mum used to say "we were so close, we were always together!" but i can always remember being kinda scared of her, don't know why, she never hurt me! I always wanted to be close to my dad but he's an alcoholic and spent all day in the pub! She told me a lot of things about her past that I really do not need to know, they are her issues and she needs to deal with them not pass them on to me, I can't change what happened to her and most of the stuff is pritty bad and I was too young to really be emotionally strong enough to understand (i was 16 )

I always felt that I could never be myself when I was around her and I was always false, but she didn't notice this, as long as she was controlling the suituation she was happy!

It was my choice to end the relationship this time,, and as you have probably read i wrote a letter, from the heart, explaining how i feel and about my anxiety and panic (which is something that was diagnosed when she wasn't around, so she didn't know about it) . For me it was the right thing to do, totally, but that was a decision i had to make, but was given some great advice on here! You can only know deep down how you feel about it all and i'm sure you'll do the right thing for you and what makes you comfortable. Tara x