Doubting yourself and repeating self destructive behaviours

[Inanna]

Hi

I don't know whether this is okay for me to post, I may have other problems and anxiety is a symptom rather than the underlying cause.

I doubt myself all the time, and I am faced with things which make me feel strange, and I don't really know what to believe. One part of me thinks I am being manipulated, and I need to cut free, another part of me thinks I am creating a drama and I am paranoid. And when I try to let go, I am told that I am paranoid, which may be true, but I just don't know.

I am told things are unconditional, but I don't really feel that, I feel that the conditions are just unspoken.

If I hold on, I feel uneasy , but if I let go, I am totally alone and am nothing.

I know this post is totally vague, but I don't really know how to explain things. I know I am probably just shouting into the abyss, but my head is a mess, and I need to write it down.

[Oosh]

If you hold on... to a relationship ?
If you let go... of a relationship ?

Write some more !

Being told you're paranoid is annoying. It's a lot of people's go to word.

You might be more aware than them. You might be too vigilant and looking for things you're worried about. Not everything is being "paranoid".

[Inanna]

Hi. thanks for replying. Sorry I took so long to come back, things have been difficult.

Yes, a relationship.

I have tried end the relationship lots of times over the last three years, but each time I am weak.

It is very hard to explain, but I am involved with someone who never lets me into his life,not even a little bit. Which is his choice. But its not the right choice for me, and everytime I try to explain this, I feel like I am manipulated into accepting.

You see, I said I could be friends, but not in a relationship, because its too hard. A relationship shouldn't feel clandestine should it? Its like being in an affair, even though its not.

And so, if I try to turn my back, I am being terrible, and not caring. But I do care.

I want someone who is here for me when I need them. IT doesn't have to be living together even, not sure I want that. But someone who is there, other than the few times which are always the same.

I know its easy to see I should just walk away, but then I am utterly alone. And frightened. I have HA, GAD and other things going on. Nobody knows because I have too put on a strong front.

I am not making any sense, but writing it down feels like I am blood letting. And I know no-one can help me until I help myself and break out of this vicious circle.