in need of help please!

[fightingonstill]

Hi all!
I am in need of some advise really and support i suppose.
For those who dont know, I was agorophobic 4 years ago after 3rd baby was born then when i got pregnant it went - or so i thought - then after baby no4 panic and anxiety hit again full force and left me now facing many phobias.
Anyway, my problem is my marriage. Ive been with my husband 6 years so have really tried to understand that he did not marry me this way, so it must be hard for him. But i dont think i can go on living with him but i feel lost where to start.
He chooses not to talk about my 'problems' and will not read anything about it or come to see the various therapists or gp visits over the years (though i have tried to get him to)
He contradicts himself by saying one time that i am mad and i will get locked up soon and some very negative stuff that i cant go into here and another time will say theres no such thing as panic attacks or depression etc its made up by people like me seeking attention.
this does not make sense as he has witnessed the panic attacks and had to take control of the car when driving etc and has driven me to casualty thinking i was having heart attack. I am so confused. He is not a bad person and has some great qualities and the kids love him so much ...but when it comes to me getting better from this, i know that i cant if i stay with him as when i start to move on with the healing and learning, he puts me ten steps back by reinforcing my very low self esteem by brainwashing me with negativity, if you understand that?
To get better i need positivity and to retrain my thoughts , i know this now, but how is it possible when being told that youre usless etc and no good for nothing etc??
But if we seperate, my kids are losing their daddy, i am losing my husband. I dont work so will lose financially, house is in his name only so will lose that too....but on the other hand staying with him, i feel i am losing my mind! Or is it just me overreacting to things , like i know i can do???
AAAARRRRHHHHH
Sorry for such a negative and horrid post. It feels better just to write stuff down in fact
Nikki

[Freaky Chick]

Hi Nicky,

So sorry you having sucha hard time:hugs: It is horrible when others can't or don't want to understand.

I'm afraid I don't have a huge amount of advice, but have you ever had a "me" break?

Time at a retreat, or quiet place, maybe with a friend? where you can have a couple of days without all the family stress. Where, you might be able to get some positive reinforcement and build some strength, just for a weekend or something,

Please don't feel guilty about not being the person he married, so you've had a tough time, but your vows did say for better or worse, in sickness and in health. It is not your fault you are sick, it's no-ones fault.

As for the financial stuff, if it really does come to a drastic solution, then there are financial things he will have to do for you. It might be worth talking to the citizens Advice Beaurau for some help in what you'd be entitled to.

I hope you are able to find a positive solution. In the meantime I can offer a great big fat (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hope it helps
Love Freaky chick.
xx:hugs:

[fightingonstill]

Thank you freaky chick for your reply and hug!
I actually feel really good today as i didnt let it overwhelm me and still took my daughter horse riding yesturday and so i feel proud that i got out and about when feeling so low!!
I feel stronger and am going to confront this problem in my marriage head on.
I can be on my own if necessary and i will do whatever it takes to get well so i feel positive
Thanks again for your reply it really helped xx