JayBeck
28-05-16, 10:14
Hi everyone! Just thought I'd give you a little run down of my situation.
I'm 30 years old now and I think my anxiety and depression comes from a fear of getting older.
I was okay at school but all I ever did was draw and create things at home on my computer. I had friends, I wasn't a typical "nerd" type I guess. My friends were a healthy mix of ages, genders, backgrounds. My family is very loving and we went on caravan holidays lots - at least once a year. My dad had a well paid job so my mum stayed at home and raised us, they were savvy enough to build a large house despite not being rich. Growing up was fun! But I stuck to creating things and that followed me through college and university. I didn't apply myself to either those things despite getting okay grades.
After university I had NO idea what to do with my life. I set up my own company (well, self-employed software studio) in 2007. I didn't make any real money until 2009. In 2010 that changed when I made a popular piece of software, popular enough that I was approached by people wanting to create sequels. I signed up with them.
In 2012 I got to travel the world giving interviews, making new friends, and most importantly finally making money. I was nominated for a few awards but didn't win any... including getting past the initial stages of a huge huge award!
But then it started to peter out. Early 2013 My contract with them ended and I was back to where I was, all by myself. I landed my first real job (working for someone else) but I wasn't right there and a few months later I left.
Since then I've been working, mostly by myself, from the same old house I grew up in with my parents. 3 years have passed and I've just been working on the same project day in, day out. With no end (or money) in sight.
In this time I'm living off my savings, which will cover me for another year of "regular" living (going to the cinema, going out with friends, taking mini-breaks, paying bills, buying clothes, fuel etc).
But I'm sad because I feel like I've wasted almost 10 years of my life. During those years I've had some really nice opportunities that I've turned down to pursue this (university lecturer, running my own diner, setting up a new software company with friends). I wake up at night and can't get back to sleep worrying over this. I've recently tried to get jobs elsewhere and I never get passed the first step. I don't know if I'm overqualified but I'm so happy just doing anything right now! So long that there's a wage in it.
And with all this going on I'm also renovating a house for myself and my long-term partner. In the past few months I've been getting low, depressive episodes where I can't imagine a future at all. These are horrible and scary but I always get out of them in a few hours or days. But I always return to them.
The stress of all this gave me Vitiligo, docs think I might have IBS that comes and goes, I was put on propranolol to help anxiety attacks (which I rarely have, to be honest). I developed some arm pain due to my work, so after a years worth of physio that helped a bit I, I was (6 months ago) put on co-codamol and more recently tramadol.
I discovered that the SSRI effect of tramadol helped my mood a lot. (apparently I'm in a small percentage of people that don't go loopy on tramadol! So that's a relief). I reported that back to the doc and I've been put on Citalopram for 4 weeks to see if anything improves.
So in boring summary format my worries are!
A fear that I'm not that good at my job, that I've wasted my time.
Money.
That's my story so far. I'm currently in the middle of this and hopefully I'll be able to beat it.
(I had a bout of anxiety after university finished in 2007. I spoke to the doctor about it but I managed to beat it just myself and adapting the way I worry over stuff. That was health-based, a problem I now know to be restless legs)
I'm 30 years old now and I think my anxiety and depression comes from a fear of getting older.
I was okay at school but all I ever did was draw and create things at home on my computer. I had friends, I wasn't a typical "nerd" type I guess. My friends were a healthy mix of ages, genders, backgrounds. My family is very loving and we went on caravan holidays lots - at least once a year. My dad had a well paid job so my mum stayed at home and raised us, they were savvy enough to build a large house despite not being rich. Growing up was fun! But I stuck to creating things and that followed me through college and university. I didn't apply myself to either those things despite getting okay grades.
After university I had NO idea what to do with my life. I set up my own company (well, self-employed software studio) in 2007. I didn't make any real money until 2009. In 2010 that changed when I made a popular piece of software, popular enough that I was approached by people wanting to create sequels. I signed up with them.
In 2012 I got to travel the world giving interviews, making new friends, and most importantly finally making money. I was nominated for a few awards but didn't win any... including getting past the initial stages of a huge huge award!
But then it started to peter out. Early 2013 My contract with them ended and I was back to where I was, all by myself. I landed my first real job (working for someone else) but I wasn't right there and a few months later I left.
Since then I've been working, mostly by myself, from the same old house I grew up in with my parents. 3 years have passed and I've just been working on the same project day in, day out. With no end (or money) in sight.
In this time I'm living off my savings, which will cover me for another year of "regular" living (going to the cinema, going out with friends, taking mini-breaks, paying bills, buying clothes, fuel etc).
But I'm sad because I feel like I've wasted almost 10 years of my life. During those years I've had some really nice opportunities that I've turned down to pursue this (university lecturer, running my own diner, setting up a new software company with friends). I wake up at night and can't get back to sleep worrying over this. I've recently tried to get jobs elsewhere and I never get passed the first step. I don't know if I'm overqualified but I'm so happy just doing anything right now! So long that there's a wage in it.
And with all this going on I'm also renovating a house for myself and my long-term partner. In the past few months I've been getting low, depressive episodes where I can't imagine a future at all. These are horrible and scary but I always get out of them in a few hours or days. But I always return to them.
The stress of all this gave me Vitiligo, docs think I might have IBS that comes and goes, I was put on propranolol to help anxiety attacks (which I rarely have, to be honest). I developed some arm pain due to my work, so after a years worth of physio that helped a bit I, I was (6 months ago) put on co-codamol and more recently tramadol.
I discovered that the SSRI effect of tramadol helped my mood a lot. (apparently I'm in a small percentage of people that don't go loopy on tramadol! So that's a relief). I reported that back to the doc and I've been put on Citalopram for 4 weeks to see if anything improves.
So in boring summary format my worries are!
A fear that I'm not that good at my job, that I've wasted my time.
Money.
That's my story so far. I'm currently in the middle of this and hopefully I'll be able to beat it.
(I had a bout of anxiety after university finished in 2007. I spoke to the doctor about it but I managed to beat it just myself and adapting the way I worry over stuff. That was health-based, a problem I now know to be restless legs)