disturbed about being alive

[CArl_34_m_UK]

I'm so disturbed about being alive that I don't know how to continue my life. There is no point to life and existence. Why are we all here like sheep. keeping our race alive and living our day to day lives? I know how depressing this sounds and it is grinding me down but it's reached such a level of thought that I'm disturbed about being alive 24x7 and it is mental torture being alive. Accepting that there is no point doesn't work for me. I have such intense feelings of fear and doom all day everyday. I can't look at a simple object without assessing how pointless it is. The same with conversation and simple sentences. There is just no point to anything. Life is logically pointless but yet I'm forced to be alive and have to live with it.

[Mojo61]

Carl, are you under the care of the mental health team? If so you must phone them if you are feeling this way and get some help. You cannot be expected to carry on having such awful thoughts 24/7 without support from qualified people. I've noticed this has been going on for you a long time now and there doesn't appear to be much improvement just yet. Who is helping you?

[Tardisbrain]

Hiya Carl. I'm sending you some love. My predicament is horrendous and I can't imagine what you are going through. I was reading through some threads the past few days and I've came across a few old ones that sound similar to you and ones were they seem to have an issue with time and existence. I'll try find them and post the link. It will maybe give you some reassurance that others have experienced something similar:)

[CArl_34_m_UK]

I've seen a consultant psychiatrist two times and he has said it's obsessive thinking. I've seen a therapist 5 times who is trying to keep my mind occupied on other things. It's been 3 months now and nothing is working but I don't expect it to. It's no one's fault my mind is changed and that is that. It's like I don't even want to get back how I used to be as it's such a naive way of live. It's like I now realise the reality of life. I feel scared but I don't even know why

[Tardisbrain]

It sound like you have some sort of ocd along with dissociation and derealisation. I could be wrong but I have both. Thsee least few weeks my vision has cleared but still sensitive and still have the feelings. Have you had a look at those forums? Even going through older posts

[CArl_34_m_UK]

I had full blown dp dp at the beginning but that's gone. I did post a few times in that section. I can honestly say I don't feel the dp dr anymore. It's just the way that my mind is thinking and working now that is controlling my life

[Tardisbrain]

Look up existential thoughts. It seems there are people going through similar stuff.

---------- Post added at 13:40 ---------- Previous post was at 13:35 ----------

Well that's maybe the 1st step in you recovering. I'm guessing that it takes a longer time to recover but if the dp has eased thats one less thing your brain needs to worry about. There might be some slight changes that you can't even notice. The fact you are looking for answers shows that you are still in there (if you understand what I mean) if your brain really believed there is no point then that rationalised part would not be showing. Keep going:)

[CArl_34_m_UK]

the dp dr went a little while back. I think this new way of thinking got rid of it as it's so overpowering. I just feel changed how I see everything. Not ocd like a new painful reality. If it is ocd then it is not on and off. It's constant. Also I've never read anything about being disturbed by being alive and disturbed by what it means to live and exist.

[Tardisbrain]

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=176959

---------- Post added at 14:48 ---------- Previous post was at 14:48 ----------

Have you read some of these?

[Mojo61]

It is just another symptom of deep seated anxiety Carl. The brain tends to jump from one thing to another as it tries to thwart you. It doesn't mean that because you haven't read about it elsewhere that others are not experiencing similar problems, and you have proven that you can get rid of one set of symptoms (the DP and DR) so there's nothing to say this one won't suffer a similar fate as you continue on your journey to recovery.

What meds are you taking?

[Tardisbrain]

Can i just add, the feeling of feeling like you feel like you you don't even want to get back to reality will just be part of that too. Once it's gone you won't think that way

[CArl_34_m_UK]

I was taking olanzapine 10mg a day but that didn't change anything so I got taken off that. I'm now taking sertraline 50mg and today is day 5 on that so early days. I do hope this is just anxiety as it honestly feels like my mind doesn't understand how it used to be anymore. As if something has changed with how I think that won't be reversed and my mind won't allow it to go back as it's adjusted to feeling and thinking this way

[Tardisbrain]

I think anxiety is brutal! I think there is not enough done about it as opposed to a physical illness. Thing is its as much a physical illness as it is mental and probably worse because it's not just one physical symptom it's many! Paired with irrational thinking and emotional. Just glad we live in the modern age as we would all have been locked in a padded room with straight jackets!

Anyway Carl, I'd like to keep up to date with how you're getting on. I hope the setraline works for you, just be prepared for side effects, hopefully you won't get any. I'm off to see psych tomorrow and I'm extremely scared of meds. I've been on fluxotine for 9 weeks and not seeing many improvements

[CArl_34_m_UK]

Thanks TardisBrain. You all have been very kind for all your time and responses today. I hope you are able to find some comfort yourself. I do agree about how much awareness and attention anxiety gets. It's ruined my life I know that for sure in the sense that life itself has now become my fear.
What sides effects am I to expect from sertraline. I feel very strange today and can't explain it. Also nausea and no appetite but it's this feeling very strange today that has only happened on day 5. Have you taken it? Do the side effects go?

[Tardisbrain]

Carl you're not gonna like to hear this however everyone is different. My friend takes this and he loves it, says it's the best thing he's taken and they kind of pushed me over the edge :( I was seemingly experiencing stress and so whatever meds I would have taken would probably have done the same. I had to stop after 3 days as I was so bad so the fact you are past that is a good sign. My cpn reckons I'm sensitive to meds and I was put straight on a high dose. I'm now on fluxotine and they are not helping I don't think, they gave me some side effects but I was so bad anyway that I probably never noticed....I reckon that could be the same for you if I'm honest. My only problem is, is that now whatever side effects have gone I still have about 80 -90% of the symptoms I had to begin with. I'm not sure if that tiny bit progress would have happened in the time span anyway or if it has been my meds.

[CArl_34_m_UK]

Ok thankyou well it's very nice that you gave an honest response. I just feel quite strange on them today and it's not a feeling I've had before. It's like I'm not quite with it, like my brain is struggling. I don't know if it's anything kicking in or a side effect or if it's part of the thinking that is controlling me. I can't explain it I just feel strange

[Tardisbrain]

It will just be your system getting used to them, think they can make you a bit spacey but it's normal and it will pass.

I'm guessing with your name you are only 34? I'll be 34 in July. What an age to become so messed up huh...right when we should be enjoying the last of our youth. I'm gutted. I find it amazing how cruel I have been to myself before this, but now I miss me and want her back :(

[CArl_34_m_UK]

Yep I'm 34 too. 35 in June which is nearly here. I was only thinking earlier how much I'd love to be the happy to be alive person that I was 3 months ago. It's amazing how something can completely ruin a person and I never thought that I'd experience mental health issues other than the general anxieties of life. I'm truly gutted that this has happened to me. Nothing in my life has any relevance anymore and I used to believe that I'd live a happy life with the person that I was

[Tardisbrain]

I totally feel the same. I keep saying that I feel like my life is over and people say I'm just being silly I'll get better. If only they could jump into my brain for the mins! I keep looking at my poor kids and thinking of all the stuff I wanted to do with them....I've even gone as far as thinking if I ever have grandkids then what kind of granny will I be.....you see that thought pattern.....absolutely no hope. The only hope I have is the hope that I'm wrong :)

[CArl_34_m_UK]

I've tried doing days out and doing the best for my kids but it gets unbearable with what's going on in head. I feel so sorry for them because they have missed out on a lot that I wanted to do before all this started. They don't know they have missed out, that's one thing I suppose. They ate happy and healthy so that's the main thing

[Tardisbrain]

How many kids do you have? I live by myself with my 2 and their dad works a lot so they are kind of just trapped like me. I'm glad they have school but there's only 4 weeks left.

My boys dad is gonna pick us up later and I'm gonna try and go for a walk along the beach. I don't really go out now. I'm absolutely dreading it but my boys are so bored and I need to at least try

[Mojo61]

How did it all start for you 3 months ago Carl? Like you my anxiety just came out of the blue, I have never suffered any mental health problems before and I am 55! I literally woke up on the morning of 18th November last year and it came as such a shock. I went to bed on 17th November a normal, functioning person and woke up the next morning a jibbering wreck. What the hell happened there then? Nobody seems to know :ohmy:

[CArl_34_m_UK]

mine are 7 and 4. I'm not with their mum now and we share the care 50/50 which I've found so hard to do since this is all started but I've managed to do it other than the odd occasion. They love the time with me so much I think it's part of what's kept going. Not that I could end my life but living like this is torture for me.
Do you live by the beach? You can pm me if it's easier rather than using the thread

---------- Post added at 18:55 ---------- Previous post was at 18:49 ----------


How did it all start for you 3 months ago Carl? Like you my anxiety just came out of the blue, I have never suffered any mental health problems before and I am 55! I literally woke up on the morning of 18th November last year and it came as such a shock. I went to bed on 17th November a normal, functioning person and woke up the next morning a jibbering wreck. What the hell happened there then? Nobody seems to know :ohmy:

I did something stupid after too much to drink. I took some cocaine when I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't sleep for 24 hours and 12 hours after doing it I had some sort of mental meltdown which never really left me. I didn't have these thoughts at first but it's all developed in to me being disturbed about life and everything in it. This is hard as I know it's own stupid fault. I was perfectly happy and ruined it.
That's quite interesting yours came on so suddenly with no obvious trigger. I think it's quite scary to realise how our minds can change and turn on us.

[Tardisbrain]

No but their dad drives. It's not so much a beach it's more rocky. Yeah pm is easier or if you have Facebook I can message there as I will get the notifications

[CArl_34_m_UK]

Well I'm being admitted to a psychiatric hospital on Monday. It's a private one so will hopefully get the help I need. Not sure how long I'll be in there

[hermionegranger]

Hi Carl - I wish you the best of luck in the hospital. I have also been experiencing similar thoughts as you, although I am in my third week of Prozac and I'm starting to feel slightly better. However, I still don't get how I'm supposed to feel 'normal' about existing and living with the knowledge that I will grow older and die one day (even if it is far in the future). I would love to hear about your progress if you can post about it, as I am curious to hear of any way of dealing with these thoughts.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Good luck, Carl. Hopefully they will be helpful to you.

[CArl_34_m_UK]

thanks guys and for all your help on here. I'll try and post on here when I get the chance