Anxiety whilst recovering from anorexia

[Apple86]

Good evening to everyone on the forum :)

I used this site 10 years ago when I went through an episode of acute anxiety, which I recovered from. The anxiety has re-emerged during the last two months, however, and I'm feeling really fearful. The problem is, I'm not quite sure what I'm fearful about.

The re-emergence of the anxiety began one morning when I woke up with vertigo, which was diagnosed a few days later as BPPV (benign proximal positional vertigo). Prior to the diagnosis I suffered a number of intense panic attacks, as I was fearful about what was causing the extreme dizziness. Since then, my mind hasn't really calmed down and my anxiety seems to be constantly shifting in it's manifestation - one minute I'm worried that I'm going to kill someone, the next minute I'm worried that I'm about to drop down dead and sometimes I feel strange sensations like noise, taste and smell.

Since my diagnosis of BPPV I have had other stressful events to deal with - after 10 years of disordered eating I'm finally seeing a psychologist for anorexia, and my partner has also been in hospital having emergency surgery, which resulted in a number of complications. I'm not sure whether these incidents are having an impact on my anxiety levels. My psychologist thinks that my brain may be shifting away from worrying about calories, to hooking into other anxieties, which explains why my mind is jumping all over the place. I've also had to discuss some distressing events from my past with my psychologist which has made me feel a rubbish too (fear that I will go insane if I think about these negative things too much)

My anxiety and intrusive thoughts are getting quite debilitating. Some days I'm waking up fearful of when the intrusive thoughts will begin and what they'll entail. Some moments I feel 'normal' but then as soon as I think 'yay I'm not anxious' the intrusive thoughts start again.

I'm not sure whether to distract myself from these thoughts or try to accept them and hope they pass. I used to use exercise to help soothe my mind, but as a recovering anorexic I have to be careful not to exercise too frequently. Perhaps I need medication, although I fear this will have negative side effects and not really cure the problem? Any advise would be really appreciated.

Many thanks,
Paula

[Wishitaway]

I'm really sorry to hear about all those things you have going on at the moment, it's no surprise your anxiety is at an all time high.
First off I'd like to wish your partner a quick recovery and hope he is back on the mend very soon.
Vertigo is horrible, I've recently just had it and I've never experienced anything quite like it, stayed in bed as much as I could until it passed!
Well done on moving forward with getting help for your eating disorder, I haven't got first hand experience of this and I'm afraid I'm probably not a lot of help but you took a massive step in the right direction by getting help. I hope you find the psychologist helpful and that they can help you in a way, I can't.

As I said you have a lot going on, more than most. Sometimes Anxiety doesn't have to be triggered by anything but any of those things could trigger anxiety. Have you got a close friend or your partner who you can confide in?
If not your GP is probably your best bet, they may be able to prescribe something to ease your anxiety better.

I know my partner is rubbish with understanding anxiety and every time I try to explain, I get frustrated because there is no explaining anxiety.

If you ever need a chat or someone to just listen, I'm always here to do just that!

Wishing you the very best.

Dawn

[pulisa]

Hello Paula

I also don't think it's surprising that you are feeling very anxious and frightened. You are going through such a lot and have many issues to contend with. It's good that you are being supported by a psychologist but if you feel that your anxiety is overwhelming you then maybe it's worth considering a trip to your GP to explore other options which may help to dampen down the symptoms?

I first developed an eating disorder (anorexia) 40 years ago and it has dogged me ever since (no treatment of course). Now I have a very obsessive eating routine. I know how this illness can take a rigid hold-you have done so well to face up to it and move on. Don't underestimate what you have achieved. Your aim is to get your anxiety to a manageable level but with recent events it is almost inevitable that you will have breakthrough symptoms.

Very best wishes

[Carnation]

Hi paula :)

As a former Anorexic and a current GAD sufferer, it tells me that we are people that are very sensitive people that have a conflict with our emotions.

It is like you have to have something to contend with whether it be food, emotion or thoughts.

I am personally med free. I have a phobia anyway, so the decision was made for me.
I had a breakdown just over 2 years ago and a relapse last Christmas.

I have used meditation, therapy, yoga, breathing techniques, Claire Weekes and an obsessive amount of gardening to relieve my symptoms so that I can cope with dealing with life.

A therapist is good, if you can connect and they use the right method for you.
Digging up the past must only be attempted when you are capable and should be done gently. The worse thing is opening an old wound and leaving it open.

Anxiety can affect almost everything and when it is high, it will make your senses overactive and play tricks on you.
I have smelt things that are not there, lost my taste, had to wear shades on a winter's day and covered my ears when someone flushed the loo.

I would gather as many coping techniques as you can and find the ones that you find help you. Plenty of rest and sleep and regular meals is important to your recovery.
You also need to find a release from your worries and any present trauma in your life, so finding a new hobby is just as important.

This Forum gives great support and hopefully you will make some new friends too. x

[Apple86]

Thank you Dawn, Pulisa and Carnation for your responses. It's good to hear people applying logic to my situation, as sometimes I seem incapable of doing so.

Dawn - I can confide in my partner but she (I'm a gay female) doesn't wholly understand it and I worry that she'll worry that I'm going to act on my intrusive thoughts i.e. hurt her or myself when my thoughts are that way inclined (I don't want to do these things - it's the 'what if' scenarios).

Pulisa - I'm sorry to hear that you've been gripped by an ED too. Have you sought treatment or did it just not work for you? I can empathise with how rigid the ED makes life - it can become a case of survival rather than enjoyment, which is what I want to change going forward. When I say the anxiety is debilitating, it's not stopping me from going out or working (thus far), but I get moments when this wave of intense fear overcomes me for no reason at all, and there is no logic behind the fear - it's almost like a physiological reaction, which makes me take a deep intake of breath and then this sets my mind whirling. I am 100% scared of the fear.

Carnation - I've often thought the same as you: that as an ED sufferer there always has to be something which my mind will worry about. My partner often comments on this: "there always has to be an issue with you", which makes me feel like a really negative person to be around (something I don't wholly believe I am). My mind seems to be constantly playing tricks on me at the moment - I seem to be misreading words, getting the time wrong etc. It also feels like one minute my symptoms are physiological and the next minute they're psychological. My main physiological symptoms are weak-feelings limbs, nausea and tiredness.

I guess my fear is about what will happen to me if my anxiety continues or gets worse - will I go insane, will I become agoraphobic, will I cause harm to myself or others. I know what my logical brain is saying, but I don't seem to be able to deploy it very effectively at the moment.

Many thanks,
P

[pulisa]

Paula, you say that you are 100% scared of the fear and this is what is driving your anxiety symptoms. You fear becoming insane but this is because your emotional arousal is sky high and adrenaline is coursing through your body causing physical symptoms. You sound very sane to me-just terrified of how you are feeling and it is that...."just" feelings which scare the living daylights out of you.

I so admire you for addressing your ED. 40 years ago there was no treatment for an ED as it wasn't recognised and I've been told by a psychiatrist that too much time has passed for me now. I'm OK and can maintain my weight so long as my anxiety doesn't get too bad.

I don't think your partner's attitude is helpful but I guess she has never had an anxiety disorder? She'd change her views if she ever developed one.

[Apple86]

Thanks Pulisa,

Sometimes it really helps just to hear the words "you sound very sane to me".

That's terrible that there was no help for your ED when you needed it, and it makes me feel so grateful that research and society have developed to enable these conditions to be recognised and treated. I've been a bit of a tough case for the psyc. team as I've had my disorder for 10 years so it's been hard to shift. I still feel that you should be granted the chance to mend after 40 years, even though research suggests that it's harder to treat EDs the more engrained they become.

If you'd like me to share some of the techniques that I've learnt to help overcome anorexia, then I'm be very willing to.

My partner is wonderful and supportive and she's been a real pillar throughout. However, sometimes she just doesn't understand, which leads her to say unhelpful things. She's very relaxed and will likely never suffer with mental health issues. Lucky soul!

[pulisa]

I think help would be available in the private sector for me but as for the NHS, there would be more chance of success with someone younger than me and I accept this. Also I haven't the courage to face up to what you have done.

You sound to me as if you have the strength and courage to address most issues head on and managing anxiety symptoms will be just another hurdle to overcome..it's just a shame that there are such a lot of hurdles with GAD and its resulting symptoms.

[Wishitaway]

Thank you Dawn, Pulisa and Carnation for your responses. It's good to hear people applying logic to my situation, as sometimes I seem incapable of doing so.

Dawn - I can confide in my partner but she (I'm a gay female) doesn't wholly understand it and I worry that she'll worry that I'm going to act on my intrusive thoughts i.e. hurt her or myself when my thoughts are that way inclined (I don't want to do these things - it's the 'what if' scenarios).

Pulisa - I'm sorry to hear that you've been gripped by an ED too. Have you sought treatment or did it just not work for you? I can empathise with how rigid the ED makes life - it can become a case of survival rather than enjoyment, which is what I want to change going forward. When I say the anxiety is debilitating, it's not stopping me from going out or working (thus far), but I get moments when this wave of intense fear overcomes me for no reason at all, and there is no logic behind the fear - it's almost like a physiological reaction, which makes me take a deep intake of breath and then this sets my mind whirling. I am 100% scared of the fear.

Carnation - I've often thought the same as you: that as an ED sufferer there always has to be something which my mind will worry about. My partner often comments on this: "there always has to be an issue with you", which makes me feel like a really negative person to be around (something I don't wholly believe I am). My mind seems to be constantly playing tricks on me at the moment - I seem to be misreading words, getting the time wrong etc. It also feels like one minute my symptoms are physiological and the next minute they're psychological. My main physiological symptoms are weak-feelings limbs, nausea and tiredness.

I guess my fear is about what will happen to me if my anxiety continues or gets worse - will I go insane, will I become agoraphobic, will I cause harm to myself or others. I know what my logical brain is saying, but I don't seem to be able to deploy it very effectively at the moment.

Many thanks,
P

No problem at all.

The issue with anxiety is that learning to control it is very hard, something I'm yet to achieve. I had to quit work and I've pretty much become a recluse which for a 20 year old girl isn't the life I imagined when I was younger.

I completely understand your feelings about your partner not understanding, for people who don't suffer with anxiety, I think they find it very hard to comprehend. I often get intrusive thoughts and sometime they are terrifying and if I was to tell my partner, I'd worry he'd think I'm crazy.

I think that you have an awful lot on your plate, that you are trying to rationalise every fear and feeling you get which sometimes isn't possible. The best thing you can do is to really try and think of one issue triggering your anxiety and think about how you can help lessen the issue.

I know all about the fear of going crazy, I often think that I'm going to lose it and with two small children that I have to care for the thought is terrifying. Right now my partner is my rock, although he doesn't understand or know all of my feelings, I find that if I tell him my major problems, he can help me work through them. Just letting it out sometimes helps.

I do hope you are feeling better and that you have plenty of support around you. Sorry for the awful long reply, I've had a lot on my plate.

[georgewing]

Well it seems that you have a powerful fear inside in you in your subconstient and this afect you at a sensitive level and causing you anxiety .You can search for a therapist or a psycholog and i am sure that will help you tofind your fear and how to treat it

[Apple86]

Hi Dawn,

I'm sorry to hear you've had a lot on your plate - are these anxiety-based issues? I hope you've managed to find a way through them if so.

It sounds like your anxiety has been very debilitating. Were there particular symptoms which made it impossible for you to go to work? I tend to feel very panicky whilst I'm at work as sitting at a desk doing menial tasks gives my brain too much time to think and worry about anxiety. I tend to notice my heart fluttering a lot and my limbs feel very weak whilst I'm at work.

Have you received any medication or therapy for your anxiety?

I had a terrible night last night - lots of panicky/rushing thoughts as I was drifting off to sleep which kept making me bolt upright. I kept thinking that my heart was stopping and that I'm mentally ill and need sectioning/medication. Really scary stuff which has left me feeling overly anxious and very exhausted today (although still at work).

I'm going to talk to my eating disorder therapist tomorrow and see if we can pinpoint my biggest anxiety-triggering issue. It seems to be predominantly health anxiety for me (worried about physical and mental health) and this can arise even when I'm symptom free. I'm quite confused though as my therapist says I'm OCD and potentially have PTSD, so no idea where to start!

Best wishes,

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm going to talk to my eating disorder therapist tomorrow and see if we can pinpoint my biggest anxiety-triggering issue. It seems to be predominantly health anxiety for me (worried about physical and mental health) and this can arise even when I'm symptom free. I'm quite confused though as my therapist says I'm OCD and potentially have PTSD, so no idea where to start!

Hi Apple,

Health anxiety covers a range of different disorders since it's really more a common term used by sufferers, it's not the name of a specific disorder. OCD is one of the disorders that it spans.

So, perhaps your HA is within your OCD? Worries about mental health are easier to spot as OCD as they are known themes (e.g. Schizophrenia OCD worries) but OCD is diverse and can apply to external contamination themes like HIV/AIDS, and beyond that into other diseases & physical conditions.

Hopefully your therapist will be able to explain their reasoning.

Have you seen Kimberley's eating anxiety thread on this board? There are a number of members who support each other on there, some have posted on your thread so far. I remember Kimberley had the issue with working out if she had an eating disorder or whether it was her OCD. Perhaps they will be helpful to you in understanding it further?

[pulisa]

For me my eating disorder is closely connected to OCD and eating rituals/times etc. I don't have any food contamination issues other than normal hygiene stuff fortunately. My psychiatrist told me that EDs and OCD frequently went together and merged into each other-tell me about it..!!

[MyNameIsTerry]

For me my eating disorder is closely connected to OCD and eating rituals/times etc. I don't have any food contamination issues other than normal hygiene stuff fortunately. My psychiatrist told me that EDs and OCD frequently went together and merged into each other-tell me about it..!!

Yes, I remember reading a little about the crossover with ED & OCD when I was talking to Kimberley ages ago to try to understand it a bit more. Thinking about your examples there it is very obvious how they can combine with each other to make each other worse.

I have had behaviours around eating myself. Needing the same looking fork, eating in the same order, meals must be the same as expected for that day of the week or anxiety increases, etc. Stuff like that can make daily life quite hard as you end up dreading simple things like food.

I wonder how many ED's start out as OCD like this and just progress into something worse?

[pulisa]

I'm sure there will be a lot of people with these issues, Terry. Mine started as a desire to lose weight as I was quite chubby but it went too far. I've got some OCD checking rituals but nothing like the rituals I have installed around food. I can't quite believe the power these rituals have over me but that's the nature of this beast for me. I stand in awe of all those who have managed to break free from EDs. It must seem so easy to those not affected but I suppose this is the case with all mental health issues?

[Sunflower2]

Mine started when I wouldn't touch my food unless I was at home and had washed my hands a certain way, then things developed on top of that as more and more didn't seem enough. Over the years this developed into smaller food portions, only certain times, only certain foods, never touched by anyone else, cleaning cutlery first, cutting out all 'heavy' foods, restricting food to feel calmer, not eating properly unless at home.. Then finally counting calories and using that to depend on how much I ate. And if it wasn't caught it would have ended with me not eating much of anything. Eating disorders can become so dangerous but they are so gradual that you don't even realise yourself what you are doing and how it is wrong. Until an outsider sees you acting in all these strange ways it doesn't seem odd at all. We need so much more help for eating disorders and so much better understanding of them.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Agree with all that. These things really sneak up on you. I looked back before my OCD started and could see some of these traits going back into childhood. The thing was then they more were frustrating, they didn't cause anxiety. Once the OCD properly came out from starting an activating med, these things became a set of rules.

Whilst I've beaten the compulsions, the obsessions are what I struggle with. They are very strong with being there years. It literally feels "wrong" to change these things. It's not just anxiety, although that is involved, it actually feels like if someone told you to put your hand in a fire, you just know at a deeper level that you mustn't do it.

The ED's seem the same, you don't realise how much you are being sucked in. Then it's too late and you've got that massive uphill task of escaping it, after the massive task of accepting the problem first!

It amazes me how we can have so many overlapping traits between all sorts of mental health disorders. BDD is one I bet lots of us have issues with, whether it's enough to be BDD I'm not sure.