Down in the doldrums

[Mojo61]

It's a lovely sunny day and most people are out enjoying themselves. I can hear children laughing and playing next door in their paddling pool whilst dad stokes up the BBQ. The birds are singing, folks stroll past in the warm sunshine smiling and full of the joys - so why do I feel so ******* miserable??? I thought these tablets were supposed to be "anti-depressants"? Then why am I depressed? I just don't get it, I'm sad and lethargic and I don't have any motivation or energy. I do hope this eases off because this is no life to live :weep:

Oh, and I've noticed I can't cry anymore so not even able to get some relief that way. There's a big lump in my throat and a crushing feeling in my chest, but try as I might the tears won't come.

[Beckybecks]

If it's any help, I feel the same way.
I try really hard to keep busy and think positive thoughts. As you say, it's a beautiful day, everyone's enjoying their Sunday.
i went for a long walk and everyone was out with their dogs. I should be happy on such a lovely day. But all my thoughts are very miserable.
I have to keep shaking myself and reminding myself of everything I have to be thankful for.
Depression just seems to control our lives.

[Mojo61]

I know how you feel Becks. All I can say is that it will get better for us hopefully. We have been unwell for a long time so can't expect it to disappear overnight - although wouldn't that be lovely lol?

[Beckybecks]

For me crying has always been a relief, as though I'm releasing all that built up adrenaline. If I can't cry I try to think of somehing that'll make me sad, failing that a good scream helps. As long as there aren't any neighbours close by!
As far as the motivation goes, I agree with you, everything looks insurmountable and takes such a huge effort.
I used to run my own business......now it's a major consideration to even answer the phone :(

[Mojo61]

Answer the phone? What's that then lol? My home phone is permanently switched off at the ringer and has been for ages. I don't answer the door either if I can help it- rofl!

[23fish]

I'm the same. Three days barely leaving the bedroom feeling sorry for myself as I'm so tense. Too scared to take meds after 2 disastrous experiences recently. Remember nothing stays the same xxx

[Mojo61]

Oh I'm sorry to hear that 23fish, what meds did you try?

[Beckybecks]

Sorry 23fish, you have all my sympathies as I am exactly the same. I'm terrified of taking meds, even vitamins are a struggle.
And thank you Mojo, I don't feel alone with what is to me an embarrassment. I get tummy butterflies when the phone rings!
I never share this with anyone, they would think me ridiculous. Lovely to be able to talk to like-minded people here who understand.

[Mojo61]

You think that's bad Becky; I didn't open one Christmas card last year lol, they went straight in the bin as soon as they hit the mat in the morning. Likewise my birthday cards in April - every one of them ended up unopened in the bin. What the heck is THAT all about???

[23fish]

I had a good 15 years on Citalopram, but it stopped working for me a couple of years ago. I tapered off very slowly and tried Mirtazapine. The first tablet made me sleep for 17 hours and I felt so dazed and spaced out afterwards I didn't take another on.

A few weeks later (I try to start in the school holidays so I don't have to cope with side effects at work) I started Valdoxan. My GP said it was gentle - how wrong was she!? It gave me awful stomach pains and diarrhoea for a month before I gave up. It's a shame as I felt it was doing something for the anxiety. Since then my stomach is still not right (a month after stopping).
I've since been prescribed immediate release Venlafaxine, but frightened myself with the horror stories of side effects and withdrawal.
I keep thinking I can try without meds, and then I have a day like today when I had wave after wave of adrenaline rushes and felt rubbish. I have been out to a friend's this afternoon, which really helped, but the feeling is always there at the back of my mind.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going back to the GP to see if there's something I can try which has a better reputation for side effects and which I can start on a very small dose and build up.

I understand completely about the phone. I have my mobile on almost silent as it makes me jump out of my skin when it rings!

How do you cope without meds, Becky? and what are you taking Mojo? Have you been on it long enough for it to kick in yet?

It's such a pain, isn't it? I just want to have a normal day!
Take care ladies x

[pollynewsome]

I hope you guys start to feel some happiness soon. So blumming horrible that you have to suffer like this. I started taking the citolapram for anxiety. I didn't think I had any depression at all. However even though I am feeling a lot better than I was. I could cry at anything! Literally anything. I wasn't like that before and low in mood and motivation is an under statement . Doc said because I have suffered for about 3 years it can take as long as that to get to where I used to be. She also said if you have anxiety you have depression also. Apparently the two go together! Keep strong guys. Xx

[Beckybecks]

23fish, your experiences are exactly why I don't do meds. That's my biggest nightmare - bad side effects. I took meds for 10 years, but I was never happy about taking them. It's the first one that's the worst and after that it's not so bad.

I just decided to try a different route and doing a lot of research together with my experience and spending time on this forum I've learnt enough to understand this condition so that at least the symptoms don't scare me anymore.

There are times when something triggers the anxiety and yes, it's really hard, but I have a lot of coping strategies that help me.

For me it's a challenge and I'd rather do it this way than mask the symptoms with meds because I feel I'm more in control now.

Nevertheless there are days when I'm not at all strong and all in all I feel this condition has robbed me of a good few years of my life, plus I'm not the person I used to be at all.

But I'm ever hopeful that I'll find that person again one day, as we all are :)

[23fish]

We will get there! What would you say are your top three strategies?
x

[pollynewsome]

1.Distraction
2.Relaxation/breathing exercises
3.Nmp

X

[Beckybecks]

My top four strategies:

Concrete thinking; I analyse my reaction to a trigger, pull it to pieces to see why I'm feeling that way and think about how else I could look at the situation, try to find a realistic solution.

I try to keep my body healthy, good food, exercise, vitamins and supplements. That's to help with the health anxiety.

I take an interest in other people's problems, try to help them through my own experiences or at least give them some reassurance that they're not alone with this condition.

I tr to keep myself fully occupied at all times, not always physically but definitely mentally. Try not to give my mind any space to consider things to be anxious about. I have a good routine which helps to make me feel more secure.

[23fish]

Great strategies ladies. Thank you. I am working on most of them already. What I find difficult is the physical symptoms, as the only thoughts that get in the way are the 'What if I always feel like this?' type. I do try to observe the symptoms rather than tense up against them, but I get really fed up with feeling rubbish. Getting better at remembering that they pass, which helps a lot x

[pollynewsome]

Do you get the urge to take a deep breath all the time?? If so any suggestions. It drives me mad. X

[Beckybecks]

What physical symptoms do you get 23fish?

[23fish]

Extreme throat tension, foggy head, hot flushes, shakes, headache at the base of skull and generally feeling odd! Oh, and poor sleep. Been awake since half 4 x

[Beckybecks]

Those are all related to anxiety. I've experienced them all too. What has helped me is to read about other anxiety sufferers on here who have the same symptoms. Once I could accept they were due to my anxiety they seemed to lose their power somewhat. Not that I don't still get plenty of symptoms but I can cope if I know why they're there. I fight them every day with the coping strategies I mentioned earlier.
The foggy head has been very faithfully returning to me on a regular basis but I try to ignore it and get on with my day. I find if I'm busy I can almost forget about it.

Waking up early ....... Horrible. But now that the summer's here and it's light, I get up and go for a walk. If I lie in bed I just feel worse.
My Dad had this condition. He would wake up early, take half a Valium or something similar and it would help him to get back to sleep. That's if you have the luxury of lying in until 9.30 :)

Headache at the base of your skull. Is your neck stiff and painful? I've had this for three months now. Try an infra-red lamp on your neck. It really loosens it up and my headaches are almost gone now.

But don't forget to be kind to yourself and if your body says it needs a rest and some TLC then give it some.

[Mojo61]

Oh yes, I can relate to all those symptoms too. I get about 6 hrs of sleep per night no matter what time I go to bed so I've started to try and accept that at the moment it's all my body needs (I would previously sleep a good 8 hrs every night) and I try not to stress about it too much.

I've found that the worst thing to do is to give in to that urge to lay in bed. I literally have to DRAG myself up and make a cup of tea. If I give in and lay there until 11am or so it makes it so much worse. I'm sincerely hoping that awful morning feeling eventually subsides because I'm truly fed up with it now.

Oh, and my dearest wish is also a very simple wish, and one I never gave any though to before this awful condition attacked me:

I want to wake up one morning, look out of the window and think 'What a beautiful day, I'm so lucky to be alive and to be able to appreciate such beauty. I'm so lucky to have my beautiful son and my lovely home and my family'

[23fish]

Couldn't have put it better myself! Just got back from the doctors. Saw a lovely man who actually sounded as if he knew what he was talking about. He's prescribed Sertraline and i'm going to start with half a tablet for a couple of weeks, starting on Friday so I have a clear 4 days before I have to work. I'm trying not to read about it as that's what scared me off Venlafaxine! Hope you're having a good (or even OK) day x

---------- Post added at 12:04 ---------- Previous post was at 11:59 ----------

Becky thanks for the tips. The headache is above my neck but I might try heat. Massage sometimes helps. It's actually the symptom I can cope with the best.
None of the symptoms scare me as I've read so much about anxiety I feel I understand them. I still hate them though! I have had panic attacks in the past but I'm really good at accepting them now and they are much milder and pass more quickly.
Do you work, Becky or Mono? I'm a teacher so it's full on throughout the day. I'm worse in the morning but it helps that I have to work as it makes me get up!. X

---------- Post added at 12:05 ---------- Previous post was at 12:04 ----------

Mono is 61 your year of birth by any chance? I was borh in 1960 so am in the throes of the menopause!

[Beckybecks]

No I don't work 23fish, and that's been half my problem. I haven't had a job for over a year and sitting at home just makes everything worse. So I've now volunteered at a charity shop and it's amazing the difference it makes being busy and chatting to people. I feel so much better. I'm interested to hear about the Sertralne and if it helps. PLease let us know.

Mojo I agree that waking up in the morning and feeling normal again would be wonderful, and you know what? It WILL happen! Because I've been through this before and survived. The morning thing will fade, one day you'll suddenly realise that it's gone and you didn't even notice it. When we don't thnk about these symptom, we're not feeding them and they just disappear ..

[Mojo61]

Couldn't have put it better myself! Just got back from the doctors. Saw a lovely man who actually sounded as if he knew what he was talking about. He's prescribed Sertraline and i'm going to start with half a tablet for a couple of weeks, starting on Friday so I have a clear 4 days before I have to work. I'm trying not to read about it as that's what scared me off Venlafaxine! Hope you're having a good (or even OK) day x

---------- Post added at 12:04 ---------- Previous post was at 11:59 ----------

Becky thanks for the tips. The headache is above my neck but I might try heat. Massage sometimes helps. It's actually the symptom I can cope with the best.
None of the symptoms scare me as I've read so much about anxiety I feel I understand them. I still hate them though! I have had panic attacks in the past but I'm really good at accepting them now and they are much milder and pass more quickly.
Do you work, Becky or Mono? I'm a teacher so it's full on throughout the day. I'm worse in the morning but it helps that I have to work as it makes me get up!. X

---------- Post added at 12:05 ---------- Previous post was at 12:04 ----------

Mono is 61 your year of birth by any chance? I was borh in 1960 so am in the throes of the menopause!

My friend is on Sertraline and she swears by it. Says it's the best thing that's ever happened to her and she wishes she'd started it earlier. I've heard a lot of good reports about this med so hopefully it will help you.

No I don't work at the moment. Sadly I was made redundant 2 years ago and I've never been able to find a job that I loved as much as that one :weep:

Yes, I was born in 1961. Shhh......don't tell everyone! :winks:

[23fish]

We can say we're children of the sixties though, and I like the sound of that!
Thanks for the positives about Serf. I am hopeful x

[Suziewuzie]

Sertraline saved my life when I was doing my nursing degree! It's a great med, it will knock your appetite for the first week & heighten your anxiety but stick with it - it passes quite quickly. I started on 25mg & stayed quite happily on 50mg for a year, weened off it no problem x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Fellow post hider here. Afraid when the phone rang. Wouldn't answer the door and then worried about the idiots that look through your front window so would stand in the kitchen behind a wall. Couldn't open my email. Couldn't read my texts. Didn't speak to my GF for months because of all this but she's had depression years ago so knows about some of this as she did it herself.

When I used to go to the walk in groups I was surprised to find people doing the same. The coordinator being trained up said she was bulking up her settee by shoving her red letters under the cushions as she couldn't face opening them.

This gets easier though. None of that bothers me now and it didn't when I got myself back in work again either, which meant constant email & meetings. I still have a dew issues around keeping up with it all because of the fatigue that had started haunting me the last couple of years, hence my PM's can be a little behind at times, but it no longer makes me anxious.

You will get there with it. I was embarrassed too but I think this is part of the power of peer forums like this, you see it's not so unusual so it's not crazy as you may be thinking, it's just another symptom of a disorder with a long & complete list of them.

The same with looking at others and thinking "you lucky git". You realise this thinking is part of the problem too and just lowers your mood. I did loads of that but I've found my way out of it and I can tell you that your mind just says "whatever" to those thoughts, just as you learn to let your intrusive thoughts float through without caring.

Be kind to yourself. It's absolutely right to accept the sleep as a current state and enough or you just focus on it and become more distressed. This can lead to worry at bedtime and insomnia, not to mention dwelling on feeling dog rough the next day.

I find getting up & on with things has helped but I wasn't always like that so I don't take it lightly, I was spending hours getting up some days back then.