REALLY struggling..need some support? :(

[Savvy_Darling]

I'm just an anxious mess this week guys. I'm not sure what's causing me to be so bad but I've been terrible & that having the 'impending doom' feeling more often than not. I look at everyone else I live with and they all seem so carefree and not worried obsessively like I am. I feel all alone. Tis why I come here. I've posted about visible veins this weeks which I still find myself looking and seeing veins i know weren't there... Like on my feet&ankles especially left. Pinkish on my lower shins which I'm not sure are my hair pores from shaving. I've been worried about kidney failure & heart issues. Been having random chest pains. Leaning over last night caused some..but they happen randomly and don't last long. I keep worrying about my heart because of that & the veins. Oh I forgot I was worried about Edema too....Not so much now though. I just feel so anxious..getting triggered easily. I've been off&on worried about melanoma & skin cancer for monthes now. Seeing a post on here has triggered me again. Which bring me to venting.. I've removed 3 I guess moles with hydrogen peroxide. I found that on a natural cure page with many stories of people doing it and being fine and the mole gone. Back in September I did that with one under my armpit.. It's gone now and you'd never know I did it. Last month I removed 2 on my back. They've been there for awhile and I just didn't like them. I don't know if they were melanoma or even bad. With health anxiety I could say all of my spots are weird and scary. But anyway, they're gone but the slight scarring hasn't gone yet but it will just like my armpit one. Well I stumbled like yesterday when I was searching something different on a web md type page... About people using black salve and it getting rid of the mole but doctors are worried it couldn't reach melanoma growing underneath and leading to a delayed diagnosis.. Which really makes sense.. And even though I didn't use that I got scared maybe I did that.. I know if I go to the dermatologist they'll be mad at me for doing what I did and I hate conflict. But I'm scared after thinking about that. I used hydrogen peroxide and there's were a lot of stories of people using them on suspected melanoma and it got rid of it and no return for years & years. The website was earth clinic. I don't like the moles were melanoma I just didn't like them and they were posted in pics on another post I did on here a while back. They didn't do anything weird to me like itch or look big and ugly scary. But I just seen a post on here about someone waiting for a biopsy on a only 2mm mole and now I'm freaked. Ugh, this has just added to my fears. I'm afraid to tell my doctor about this because I know I'll get yelled at. Doctors don't agree with natural cures and I understand why but I don't wanna hear it and get yelled at. I'm just worried I have melanoma spreading in me or something. I haven't felt different and I just biked 20 miles the other day and it felt great. I've been working out everyday. I just feel like an emotional wreck. I'm scared of everything at this point. God I just feel like I haven't lived long enough or done enough at 21.. I'm not ready to die yet or leave my family and pets. I'm crying. I know I'm due for my time of the month soon and I'm sure it is making me even more sensitive and emotional and definitely anxious.. I've noticed my cycle effects my anxiety big time. I just feel miserable and I fake a smile to my boyfriend but inside I feel like I'm dying or slowly dying from cancer or something else. :(

[Fishmanpa]

I posted on your other thread about getting professional help but you didn't acknowledge it.

I know you want to try and do this on your own but from what I've been reading over the short time you've been here, I really feel professional help is what's needed. I know your aversion to drugs but they may help you until you get your rational feet back under you.

As a parent of a daughter your age that was suffering greatly (note I said "was"), it pains me to see someone so young suffering so badly. We got her help and she's doing great now!... graduating college the end of the year! :)

This is an internet forum. Yes, there is an amount of comfort in knowing others suffer too and it can be cathartic to write your fears out but words on a screen are not going to get you well! You need real life tools and solutions and that's provided in therapy.

I've been to therapy and many people I know as well as family have been in therapy at one time or another. It helps! Don't allow your self perception of getting help prevent you from doing so. Every state in the US has a mental health hotline and referral service. there are free support groups you can join as well.

I hope you take the first steps toward healing.

Good luck and as always

Positive thoughts

[Savvy_Darling]

Thanks fish,, I know you've said this multiple times & am sure you've grown tired of saying it & I know you're only trying to help. You're daughter is lucky to have a father like you. I don't have much support it feels like and I'm so overwhelmed. It's scary to think about going to therapy and being one of those types of people that needs help like that and I feel like they see people with health anxiety or anxiety as mentally ill like the same as crazy people in institutions and the last thing I want is to be seen as that.. I just wanna be normal. Sigh....but thank you for taking the time out to reply.

[1hopefulme]

I totally understand your aversion to wanting to go to the doctor. I am TERRIFIED of the doctor. I also feel like people look at me like I'm mentally ill when I just feel like I'm overwhelmed and just very sensitive. Like if I knew I went to someone who would be relaxed and calm and make me feel like it's okay to freak out if I need to I think I would actually calm down and be able to trust them. Do you ever feel like that? The good news it by you being so watchful over your moles and making sure they don't change it's really unlikely that you've got anything actually going on but if you do you will catch it so early it's not likely to be something to worry about.

[Savvy_Darling]

Exactly.. Hopefulmi.. I have a hard time opening up to people to begin with.. I'm shy. I don't trust easily either so thinking about going to some random person who gets paid to listen to my problems and who made not even care about me freaks me out.. Like they'll just listen and nod say some shrink stuff and push pills my way. What if I don't wanna take pills though and they put me in a hospital? I don't know I just feel weird about therapists. My doctor has told me I could just meet a few different ones and such but I get overwhelmed quick and I feel like it'll make me more stressed having to do all that. I just don't know.. But at least you feel similar to me about it.
About the moles yeah exactly I'm very nervous over all of them but what worries me now is if the ones I removed myself with hydrogen peroxide were melanoma and it's growing on me. You can remove skin tags and warts with ACV, well I thought th sane about the moles I didn't like. I don't think they were but then again my anxiety makes me nervous of all my freckles and miles. I'm just scared now is all... And im so scared of cancer / melanoma.. Like I really don't wanna die so young and melanoma is the deadliest of skin cancers.. Ugh thinking about tests and ct scans for cancer scares me to death too. I just feel so... Terrified right now. :( I appreciate your reply as talking to someone helps me take my mind off of how scared I am.

Oh and my doctor is a younger women probably like late 20s to early 30s.. I feel like she may be close to my age of 21 lol but she's really nice and when I cry she looks like she gets teary eyed too but I also feel like she doesn't really make me feel better about my fears just that I should get screenings for things more in my age group like cervical cancer which only made me worried more about another stupid cancer.. :/ I just think she doesn't know how to handle me.

[Fishmanpa]

The only way this forum will ever help you is if you actually listen, take the advice given and act on it. If all you're looking for is tea and sympathy, you'll get plenty of it but it won't get you well.

You say that by going to therapy you'll be thought of as "one of those types of people that needs help like that". I have news for you sweetie... That's already the case. In the last 8 months you've had ovarian, tonsil, breast and skin cancer etc (I might have missed a few), heart problems and a plethora of other deadly issues and thought you were surely dying on several occasions. Your real life support system is negligible at best and those that do listen are getting fed up!

Seems to me after all those deadly illnesses, you're still alive. The problem is you're actually not living due to the irrational worries. Young lady... You. Need. Help. It's Ok!... I needed help. I got it. Everyone needs a little help once in a while. I hope these "words" help you to do what you so sorely need to do.

Good luck and Positive thoughts

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think your doctor did make a mistake suggesting testing. I don't know if that's a US thing but over here a GP doesn't want to know about any of that until you reach the criteria for any tests the NHS tell them they have to conduct. To someone with HA, that was just a red rag to a bull. Perhaps she doesn't understand much about anxiety disorders?

You really don't need to worry about therapy. For many years over here people would think therapy is "an American thing", like how we say "suing for everything is an American thing". I don't mean that in an offensive way to US members, but it's just something that many in the UK have complained about in how our country has appeared to be becoming more like yours. But that's not all a bad thing is it? Why shouldn't we gain access to therapy if it can help us? The same with suing, it has it's place and for many decades companies have got away with laughing at the public because they didn't stand up for their rights...and suing changes any business quicker than someone have a moan in a letter of complaint. :winks:

It doesn't mean you "mental", although you will always find people who are ignorant who will think that way. But then there are people that believe getting a disease means you have sinned again God. Would you entertain their irrational, unproven views or brush them off as being the extreme people they are when science tells us why something happens?

When it comes to meds, this is entirely up to you. The only time you can be forced to take meds is when a law allows for it. Over here this means Sectioning. This ONLY occurs when you can't make decisions for yourself or if you are a danger to yourself or others.

That ain't you, Savanna! So, your doctors can't force than on you, they only try to manipulate (in a well-meaning way) you into agreeing with them.

I've been on Citalopram for about 4 years, now I'm on Duloxetine for about another 5. I've had Guided Self Help and High Intensity Therapy (CBT). I've also attended about 70 walk-in meetings with fellow sufferers at a local mental health charity. Now I'm a member of here.

Would you view me negatively for any of that? I don't believe you would for a second. Sure, some people will think bad things about me in the real world but then I can't be responsible for their ignorance. If you were gay, would you feel guilty for that simply because of other peoples' prejudice?

[Savvy_Darling]

Thanks Terry, I see what your saying. You're right..
I'm just scared about going to the doctor with more of my fears..especially the melanoma ones..and the one I originally posted about in this thread. I'm really terrified of tests and ct scans.. I only imagine the worst and about what ct scan would find in me. Sure I could have nothing wrong with me but all I can feel is the negative..which I know is the anxiety but I'm still so cancerphobic. I'm so scared I have melanoma that's spread through my body that I can invision it. :( I woke up this morning feeling very down and that my days are marked type of feeling. I hate being so scared but I can't shake the feeling something is wrong or that I have something bad in me... I know before therapy I'll have to tell my doctor my new worries and I'm afraid of what she'll wanna do.. And I'll be yelled at and do scans because of what I said in my thread starter. What if I did bad on myself and now am too far in the melanoma for curing or it's already spread from the spot and is in an organ or brain. :( I can't stop thinking of the negatives bc it's like that is what feels is happening.. I wish I could be positive and that I'm fine but I fear I'm not and that is very powerful especially with anxiety teaming up with it..

[.Poppy.]

You're young, so unless you spend A LOT of time tanning or in the sun, the chances of melanoma are very, very slim.

I know you said you don't like the idea of therapy and honestly I didn't either. Sometimes I still feel self conscious about it. But once I get in the room I LOVE it. I clicked with my old therapist so amazingly. I'm still working on building a relationship with my new therapist but she's great too. They really can help you develop coping skills and it's just so nice to have someone to talk to about all these things. I do encourage you to at least give it a try.

[Savvy_Darling]

Poppy, I mean I've layed out in the sun at the beach and used a tanning bed a few times back in 2013 but I didn't like wasting the money so I don't and wouldn't again. I use to wanna get tan like I said back in 2013 but it's not like I've done it like that since then. I've accepted my paleness and don't care if I get tan. Lol. Thank you for your reassuring words..

And you have made me feel better about a therapist.. You make it sound not so bad at all. Thankyou !! :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

If your doctor yells at you, which is very very unlikely, report them for being unprofessional. It's is so unlikely to happen though. Take someone else with you for moral support and if something ever did happen you have someone there who is strong enough to yell back. :winks: Seriously though, it's very unlikely, at most you may get a grumpy one due to being under stress.

You can't be referred for tests against your will, again only Sectioning or a court decision achieves something like that. I think it would be best to tell the doctor how you feel about this so she understands not to refer you for pointless "just in case" tests. Unless you truly need tests, no one should ever go for them anyway. It's a waste of money (our NHS are always complaining about it) and it will only reinforce your need for reassurance anyway if you have a reassurance-seeking pattern.

A Good doctor is one who will be firm with you on tests and not seek to cover their arse "just in case" when they know what you are telling them doesn't suggest anything. If you say "maybe I should have a CT scan", a good doctor will say no because they know you don't need it. A good doctor will already have decided if they will be referring you for tests before you suggest it. They won't be influenced by the HA element which pushes for testing, although I know yours differs with the fear of testing.

You may not need to tell your doctor to get a referral, many of our regions allow for self referral now. I would always encourage you to tell your doctor though. Why not make the decision to enquire? No pressure, you don't need to do anything but ask to see what is there? Perhaps you can self refer and get things moving and approach your doctor later, with the help of guidance from a therapist?

Something to consider is what happened before this recept flare up. You went through what likely feels similar to this and then you had a better period. What changed? Did you start to do more healthy things? More varied things? What has changed now? Have you stopped doing healthy things?