Nandos
10-06-16, 15:55
This is part of a post I put on Reddit a couple days ago.
For six months I've been terrified of being a mass killer. Last night it was very painful and I began to think I was and that I wanted to do it this has happened before. Anyway I was feeling depressed. I woke up this morning had a shower then got this mental image of me stabbing my family. I have no reason to stab my mum but I guess it could have been some kind of suicide thing. I was a bit confused and it made me uncomfortable. I went done stairs and got this feeling of repressing an urge to stab my mum. I love her and I even hugged her to prove to myself I do. Because of the depression I was unsure if it was homicidal thoughts. I felt like I was repressing an urge to do it and that I wanted to do it. This feeling left when she went out side and I could relax. Was that an intrusive thought? Like I felt like I kind of wanted to do it. I've had some suicidal feelings. Mainly because of the anxiety and thinking i have nothing to look forward to. I know I do. The depression was intense last night and I'm starting to think maybe it was a real homicidal urge. I don't know why I'd stab my mum but maybe it was soemkimd of self destructive fantasy. I dont if I somehow want to do something like that. I'd hope I dont.
This morning today I got another thought. Last night I was worrying about the whole stabbing my m thing and I kept resisting looking online because it would just get worse I wasn't too sure. So I woke up still with this urge to look online. Took a shower. Got ready for college. I got this thought about what the thought meant. I am bothered by this fear of being a school shooter. I would never do it and I pray often stating that but it becomes hard to believe. When I look online I feel so free of the panic for a little while. So I went down stairs I wanted today to be a good day talk with my friends and get ready for my mocks. But I got this random homicidal feeling like really scary but I felt as if I was going to do it and wanted to. It was of getting a knife from the kitchen. Wth. It was nasty. But maybe I didn't feel anxiety because I thought it was an intrusive thought. I thought I should look online to be safe. I swore at the thought told it to rot in he'll but maybe I was lieing. I feel depressed so I'm confused. I'm not angry but I do feel like I'm in a dream. Sometimes when I worry alot I get convinced I may want to do it but idk.
Thanks for reading. Nandos
For six months I've been terrified of being a mass killer. Last night it was very painful and I began to think I was and that I wanted to do it this has happened before. Anyway I was feeling depressed. I woke up this morning had a shower then got this mental image of me stabbing my family. I have no reason to stab my mum but I guess it could have been some kind of suicide thing. I was a bit confused and it made me uncomfortable. I went done stairs and got this feeling of repressing an urge to stab my mum. I love her and I even hugged her to prove to myself I do. Because of the depression I was unsure if it was homicidal thoughts. I felt like I was repressing an urge to do it and that I wanted to do it. This feeling left when she went out side and I could relax. Was that an intrusive thought? Like I felt like I kind of wanted to do it. I've had some suicidal feelings. Mainly because of the anxiety and thinking i have nothing to look forward to. I know I do. The depression was intense last night and I'm starting to think maybe it was a real homicidal urge. I don't know why I'd stab my mum but maybe it was soemkimd of self destructive fantasy. I dont if I somehow want to do something like that. I'd hope I dont.
This morning today I got another thought. Last night I was worrying about the whole stabbing my m thing and I kept resisting looking online because it would just get worse I wasn't too sure. So I woke up still with this urge to look online. Took a shower. Got ready for college. I got this thought about what the thought meant. I am bothered by this fear of being a school shooter. I would never do it and I pray often stating that but it becomes hard to believe. When I look online I feel so free of the panic for a little while. So I went down stairs I wanted today to be a good day talk with my friends and get ready for my mocks. But I got this random homicidal feeling like really scary but I felt as if I was going to do it and wanted to. It was of getting a knife from the kitchen. Wth. It was nasty. But maybe I didn't feel anxiety because I thought it was an intrusive thought. I thought I should look online to be safe. I swore at the thought told it to rot in he'll but maybe I was lieing. I feel depressed so I'm confused. I'm not angry but I do feel like I'm in a dream. Sometimes when I worry alot I get convinced I may want to do it but idk.
Thanks for reading. Nandos