fallingstar
11-06-16, 04:20
So, long story short...
I'm an optician (unlicensed in an unlicensed state - going to school for it in the neighboring state to be licensed there and got this "dream job" where I could practice in this current state for the time being with the "dream boss"). I work another job overnights on the weekend because this job gives me only 20 hours a week - sometimes 19 (used to be only 26 - but better than now).
Anyway, my dream job has turned into a nightmare of sorts and it's hard to get myself out the door to go to it nowadays without having really bad anxiety. I feel a deep sadness and fear when I lock my front door behind me in the morning. I feel like from that point on I'm doomed. As I'm clocking in I get palpitations, sweats, etc. no matter how optimistic I am that day. I've even been applying the "screw it all" attitude and just going about things my way (which is a good thing in my field where associates don't care about eye health but more so the money in the patients' wallets).
So, I have been going for fulltime for over a year now - a year and 8 days to be exact. Back in Novemberish, 3 employees were hired part time to help the store with the plans to make things easier on current employees. I work at a 1.4 million dollar a year store (in eyeglass and contact sales - the busiest on the East Coast of the USA to be exact). From the beginning I was told that full time was a possibility - a high possibility in my future with the company. I came in being educated in this field and continuing education for it.
Now I know this is a bit odd and may seem slightly paranoid (I'm not paranoid - but was infact curious - because people say the truth of how they feel behind your backs and not to your face if they're cowards). After current events etc, I decided to secretly record via my phone's voice recorder, in the back lab where most gossip etc is dispensed. I expected not to hear anything and expected to just feel bad about leaving it on record and feeling like I was overreacting or being silly or something.
However, I caught on this a conversation between my boss and my district manager (her boss) - didn't hear her boss's end but heard what I needed to on my boss's end. What she said, I don't want to go fully into detail - but to put it bluntly, it was two-faced, back stabbing, hurtful and shocking from someone who had always been so wonderful, relatable, helpful, sweet and kind to my face. In the recording I heard her discussing my full time possibilities with her boss - and then - she started laughing. She told her she thought that I was crazy. at one point and was laughing... she told her that she wasn't ever hiring me full time - etc etc. She said things we didn't even talk about and fabricated some things. Why I'm not sure but I'm guessing she wants the girl she likes better the newer girl to be FT vs me (which whatever that's her decision and if the girl is a good worker she deserves it - but to say horrible things about me? no not okay) - she even discussed my anxiety and what she thought was ADHD to her - telling her she suggested I go on meds and when I told her that it wasn't for me (in reality she agreed with me and smiled), told her boss that she thought I was crazy and could use them and she didn't want to hire me full time. Just to make it clear - I'm far far far from crazy. For the panic I've suffered for years, I'd like to think I'm pretty damn strong, productive and resilient. I'm also sane.... thankfully I still am after this job the last couple months!
Hearing someone laugh at you, talk about you and talk about your mental health is horrible. I have to go to work everyday and collect my paycheck by smiling at her and pretending nothing is wrong. It's horrible - I feel awful going to work. She cut my hours too prior to her conversation with her boss and basically put it out there that she gave me a BS excuse of "averaging out my hours" and "revisiting full time possibility in a few months" - and again giggled about it.
My amazing boyfriend helped me keep my head up that day and the days after. He has also helped me in my search to move on from that job. He has helped me land an interview on Monday which I'm very very excited but nervous about (means I could quit this awful environment of a job and also stop doing my 2nd job overnights on weekends). :yesyes:
No matter what good is happening - my mind keeps going back to hurtful things that have been said about me and are being continuously said about me behind my back. I really don't understand it - if I did anything wrong at work I'd admit it - and yes I've made work mistakes - we all do - but it has never been something awful and if anything I have more morals and respect for customers, their eye health and their wallets than my fellow employees and especially my manager. At the end of the day I don't do revenge - I don't get even - I worry about myself and I make my situation happier - but right now - all I can think about is wanting to tell my manager that I know how she feels about me and how much it hurts especially since she claims to suffer from anxiety as well. I want to tell her how much it hurts that I've walked miles a day and taken the bus just to get to her store to work for her - done this in 100 degree heat all the way down to under freezing temperature days and that I'm the most dedicated employee to show up with a smile on their face after all that - that I know I'm better than her because I would never make fun of someone with a mental health issue or a customer with a physical or mental disability. The things I wish I could say. And then I remember - that roof over my head - that paycheck, etc etc. And I remember that it's not worth it.
None the less - the anxiety from all of this eats me up inside even when I try hard not to care. It goes away Fri to Monday generally when not there though at least thankfully.
Anyone had a similar situation? :weep:
Suggestions: breathing techniques etc that I can do at work that no one will notice in the middle of a customer order, group meeting, while doing general work, etc?
I know I'm stronger than the words that are said about me but it's hard to ignore. I don't like having false things said about me to my superiors above her and I don't like being thrown under a metaphorical bus when I've done nothing to warrant it.
I honestly just had to vent - truly hope it wasn't annoying! :scared15:
I'm an optician (unlicensed in an unlicensed state - going to school for it in the neighboring state to be licensed there and got this "dream job" where I could practice in this current state for the time being with the "dream boss"). I work another job overnights on the weekend because this job gives me only 20 hours a week - sometimes 19 (used to be only 26 - but better than now).
Anyway, my dream job has turned into a nightmare of sorts and it's hard to get myself out the door to go to it nowadays without having really bad anxiety. I feel a deep sadness and fear when I lock my front door behind me in the morning. I feel like from that point on I'm doomed. As I'm clocking in I get palpitations, sweats, etc. no matter how optimistic I am that day. I've even been applying the "screw it all" attitude and just going about things my way (which is a good thing in my field where associates don't care about eye health but more so the money in the patients' wallets).
So, I have been going for fulltime for over a year now - a year and 8 days to be exact. Back in Novemberish, 3 employees were hired part time to help the store with the plans to make things easier on current employees. I work at a 1.4 million dollar a year store (in eyeglass and contact sales - the busiest on the East Coast of the USA to be exact). From the beginning I was told that full time was a possibility - a high possibility in my future with the company. I came in being educated in this field and continuing education for it.
Now I know this is a bit odd and may seem slightly paranoid (I'm not paranoid - but was infact curious - because people say the truth of how they feel behind your backs and not to your face if they're cowards). After current events etc, I decided to secretly record via my phone's voice recorder, in the back lab where most gossip etc is dispensed. I expected not to hear anything and expected to just feel bad about leaving it on record and feeling like I was overreacting or being silly or something.
However, I caught on this a conversation between my boss and my district manager (her boss) - didn't hear her boss's end but heard what I needed to on my boss's end. What she said, I don't want to go fully into detail - but to put it bluntly, it was two-faced, back stabbing, hurtful and shocking from someone who had always been so wonderful, relatable, helpful, sweet and kind to my face. In the recording I heard her discussing my full time possibilities with her boss - and then - she started laughing. She told her she thought that I was crazy. at one point and was laughing... she told her that she wasn't ever hiring me full time - etc etc. She said things we didn't even talk about and fabricated some things. Why I'm not sure but I'm guessing she wants the girl she likes better the newer girl to be FT vs me (which whatever that's her decision and if the girl is a good worker she deserves it - but to say horrible things about me? no not okay) - she even discussed my anxiety and what she thought was ADHD to her - telling her she suggested I go on meds and when I told her that it wasn't for me (in reality she agreed with me and smiled), told her boss that she thought I was crazy and could use them and she didn't want to hire me full time. Just to make it clear - I'm far far far from crazy. For the panic I've suffered for years, I'd like to think I'm pretty damn strong, productive and resilient. I'm also sane.... thankfully I still am after this job the last couple months!
Hearing someone laugh at you, talk about you and talk about your mental health is horrible. I have to go to work everyday and collect my paycheck by smiling at her and pretending nothing is wrong. It's horrible - I feel awful going to work. She cut my hours too prior to her conversation with her boss and basically put it out there that she gave me a BS excuse of "averaging out my hours" and "revisiting full time possibility in a few months" - and again giggled about it.
My amazing boyfriend helped me keep my head up that day and the days after. He has also helped me in my search to move on from that job. He has helped me land an interview on Monday which I'm very very excited but nervous about (means I could quit this awful environment of a job and also stop doing my 2nd job overnights on weekends). :yesyes:
No matter what good is happening - my mind keeps going back to hurtful things that have been said about me and are being continuously said about me behind my back. I really don't understand it - if I did anything wrong at work I'd admit it - and yes I've made work mistakes - we all do - but it has never been something awful and if anything I have more morals and respect for customers, their eye health and their wallets than my fellow employees and especially my manager. At the end of the day I don't do revenge - I don't get even - I worry about myself and I make my situation happier - but right now - all I can think about is wanting to tell my manager that I know how she feels about me and how much it hurts especially since she claims to suffer from anxiety as well. I want to tell her how much it hurts that I've walked miles a day and taken the bus just to get to her store to work for her - done this in 100 degree heat all the way down to under freezing temperature days and that I'm the most dedicated employee to show up with a smile on their face after all that - that I know I'm better than her because I would never make fun of someone with a mental health issue or a customer with a physical or mental disability. The things I wish I could say. And then I remember - that roof over my head - that paycheck, etc etc. And I remember that it's not worth it.
None the less - the anxiety from all of this eats me up inside even when I try hard not to care. It goes away Fri to Monday generally when not there though at least thankfully.
Anyone had a similar situation? :weep:
Suggestions: breathing techniques etc that I can do at work that no one will notice in the middle of a customer order, group meeting, while doing general work, etc?
I know I'm stronger than the words that are said about me but it's hard to ignore. I don't like having false things said about me to my superiors above her and I don't like being thrown under a metaphorical bus when I've done nothing to warrant it.
I honestly just had to vent - truly hope it wasn't annoying! :scared15: