fedup1967
14-06-16, 15:10
...a fellow anxiety sufferer for 49 years.
at the moment I'm feeling pretty low.
yesterday wasn't good and I felt tired and stressed and ended the day with my brain wracked with anxiety...it was so intense I'm sure I didn't sleep.
most of my anxiety is due to the pressure being applied by my job adviser
who believes I should join a new job search group to help me get back to work.
but I don't feel up to it.
I'm not saying I can't work...its rather my anxiety disorder gets in the way and makes life more difficult than it should be.
and then I have pangs of guilt when I think of say someone like Stevie wonder who is blind and yet has managed to make something of his life.
and yet here I am
with poor eyesight (I'm told its due to my age)
and yet I let anxiety hold me back.
but its not that I am weak minded,
I'm just so wracked with anxiety.
I can't stand still without having to touch my face or hold onto something.
here's an example of how bad my disorder is.
yesterday afternoon a postman delivered a parcel for my next door neighbor
but because she was out at the time he left it with me to give to her when she came home.
well as I was waiting for her to arrive,
I knocked on her door several times
and as I was standing there I started having a panic attack and when that happens I need to hold onto something and my mind is racing and I just feel so anxious.
eventually she came home and I handed her the parcel...but even then I was still anxious but trying hard to appear normal.
I'm like that 24/7 365 days.
and after almost 50 years I just feel so weary...tired mentally and physically...my self esteem is at ground level and I feel vulnerable because I don't know what to do to change the way I feel?
Ive tried many things over the years...relationships...jobs...drugs...alcohol...w ithdrawing from family friends...even getting involved with religion but nothing works...the anxiety is with me day and night no matter what I do.
in fact I am more conscious of the disorder now than Ive ever been.
I know now that I have a serious mental health problem which somehow affects my nerves and makes me prone to worry non stop.
I don't know why I'm this way or what caused it and whether there is a cure?
all I know is that I feel really low...and this has made me prone to depression.
my ex picked up on my depression but I was in denial
but now I know she was right...I am depressed and much of it is due to my anxiety disorder.
but I am also disappointed by the way successive governments deal with people like me.
I feel like I have to fight to be taken seriously...believe me
I would rather be employed doing something I enjoy and doesn't stress me out
but if I am in a state of anxiety 24/7 how can I hold down a job?
also I say again I feel Vulnerable because I often think that maybe if I buy xyz I'll feel a bit better?
but I know I'm kidding myself.
this is why I'm now feeling increasingly fed up and wanting to go...but I worry about how my siblings will feel and people that value and love me more than I do myself.
but I don't want to go through another possible 49 years of non stop anxiety.
my life with this disorder has been horrible.
and as I said it has wrecked my self esteem.
I rarely feel good about myself.
I can't bear to see my face in the mirror.
I often wash myself in the bath with the light off.
yes its that bad.
I don't know what to do?
but I know work isn't the answer.
I need help with this disorder.
I'm waiting to join a cbt group in my local area.
its worth a try although over the years I have joined several groups and I still feel unhappy and still very anxious.
I try to remind myself that other people bear worse burdens in their lives,
but I still feel very unhappy.
I have to be straight and say how I feel.
because I'm tired of covering it up and pretending to feel OK when I don't.
like when I call my mum and she inevitably asks me if I'm OK?
and I yeah not too bad
when really I feel anything but OK.
its just that I don't want to stress her out or leave her worrying about me.
but I find that when I'm open and say how I feel I get a harsh reply like
how can you be feeling tired?
your not even working!!!
and of course that brings me down and I end the call feeling like I should never have called.
if I'm honest I wish I'd never been born.
if I had a say and I knew what I was coming into I would have turned it down.
and I don't think my parents were pleased with my birth anyway.
I never felt loved.
and to this day I'm still not close to my mum or my siblings
and even with friends I find it very hard to relax and come out of my shell.
I like people that I feel I can be myself with...i.e...have trembling fits and admit that I often feel depressed.
but who would want to be with someone like me?
at the moment I'm feeling pretty low.
yesterday wasn't good and I felt tired and stressed and ended the day with my brain wracked with anxiety...it was so intense I'm sure I didn't sleep.
most of my anxiety is due to the pressure being applied by my job adviser
who believes I should join a new job search group to help me get back to work.
but I don't feel up to it.
I'm not saying I can't work...its rather my anxiety disorder gets in the way and makes life more difficult than it should be.
and then I have pangs of guilt when I think of say someone like Stevie wonder who is blind and yet has managed to make something of his life.
and yet here I am
with poor eyesight (I'm told its due to my age)
and yet I let anxiety hold me back.
but its not that I am weak minded,
I'm just so wracked with anxiety.
I can't stand still without having to touch my face or hold onto something.
here's an example of how bad my disorder is.
yesterday afternoon a postman delivered a parcel for my next door neighbor
but because she was out at the time he left it with me to give to her when she came home.
well as I was waiting for her to arrive,
I knocked on her door several times
and as I was standing there I started having a panic attack and when that happens I need to hold onto something and my mind is racing and I just feel so anxious.
eventually she came home and I handed her the parcel...but even then I was still anxious but trying hard to appear normal.
I'm like that 24/7 365 days.
and after almost 50 years I just feel so weary...tired mentally and physically...my self esteem is at ground level and I feel vulnerable because I don't know what to do to change the way I feel?
Ive tried many things over the years...relationships...jobs...drugs...alcohol...w ithdrawing from family friends...even getting involved with religion but nothing works...the anxiety is with me day and night no matter what I do.
in fact I am more conscious of the disorder now than Ive ever been.
I know now that I have a serious mental health problem which somehow affects my nerves and makes me prone to worry non stop.
I don't know why I'm this way or what caused it and whether there is a cure?
all I know is that I feel really low...and this has made me prone to depression.
my ex picked up on my depression but I was in denial
but now I know she was right...I am depressed and much of it is due to my anxiety disorder.
but I am also disappointed by the way successive governments deal with people like me.
I feel like I have to fight to be taken seriously...believe me
I would rather be employed doing something I enjoy and doesn't stress me out
but if I am in a state of anxiety 24/7 how can I hold down a job?
also I say again I feel Vulnerable because I often think that maybe if I buy xyz I'll feel a bit better?
but I know I'm kidding myself.
this is why I'm now feeling increasingly fed up and wanting to go...but I worry about how my siblings will feel and people that value and love me more than I do myself.
but I don't want to go through another possible 49 years of non stop anxiety.
my life with this disorder has been horrible.
and as I said it has wrecked my self esteem.
I rarely feel good about myself.
I can't bear to see my face in the mirror.
I often wash myself in the bath with the light off.
yes its that bad.
I don't know what to do?
but I know work isn't the answer.
I need help with this disorder.
I'm waiting to join a cbt group in my local area.
its worth a try although over the years I have joined several groups and I still feel unhappy and still very anxious.
I try to remind myself that other people bear worse burdens in their lives,
but I still feel very unhappy.
I have to be straight and say how I feel.
because I'm tired of covering it up and pretending to feel OK when I don't.
like when I call my mum and she inevitably asks me if I'm OK?
and I yeah not too bad
when really I feel anything but OK.
its just that I don't want to stress her out or leave her worrying about me.
but I find that when I'm open and say how I feel I get a harsh reply like
how can you be feeling tired?
your not even working!!!
and of course that brings me down and I end the call feeling like I should never have called.
if I'm honest I wish I'd never been born.
if I had a say and I knew what I was coming into I would have turned it down.
and I don't think my parents were pleased with my birth anyway.
I never felt loved.
and to this day I'm still not close to my mum or my siblings
and even with friends I find it very hard to relax and come out of my shell.
I like people that I feel I can be myself with...i.e...have trembling fits and admit that I often feel depressed.
but who would want to be with someone like me?