View Full Version : The Really Bad Joke Thread
Add your terrible jokes here;
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One day, a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightdress.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want!"
Knowing his luck was in, he tied her up, and went to play Golf!
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:lac:
How do you make a Venetian Blind ?
Poke him in the eye!:blush:
Traceyxxx
How do you get Pickachu on a Bus?
Poke him on!
:weep:
two eggs got married. On wedding night, mr egg screamed and ran away. he returned following morning, shame faced and explained to his new wife. The last time I was as hard as that, someone took a swipe at my head with a knife.
Happyone
I love being able to tell the bad ones!!!
nomorepanic
15-03-07, 21:38
are we allowed to do rude ones cos I only know one joke???
normalwisdom
15-03-07, 21:40
Its your site nic LOL:blush:
Children_of_God
15-03-07, 21:42
there was 2 biscuits rolling down the street, one got run over and the other one said "oh crumbs" = )
2 oranges rolling down the street, one stopped, the other one said "why u stopping" he replied "I'm out of juice"
lol.
Well if we are not allowed rude........Oops!
Come on then Nic. are we? ALL my bad ones are rude but really really bad
Happyone
X
nomorepanic
15-03-07, 21:47
It is about a panda and a prostitute so you probably all know it anyway
NOPE....It has to be told....come on you know you want to!!!!
Happyone
What's worse than a cardboard box...........paper tits :ohmy:
normalwisdom
15-03-07, 21:50
Oh Mandy I am blushing lol:blush: :blush:
What's worse than a cardboard box...........paper tits :ohmy:
:laugh:
:laugh:
:laugh:
:laugh:
:laugh:
:laugh:
Elephant and mouse in the jungle. elephant gets thorn in his foot and is screaming in pain. he begs the mouse to help him get it out and promises to do anything for him.
"anything?" says the mouse.
"anything" swears the elephant.
"well, it is awhile since i have come across a female mouse in these parts and one gets a little frustrated you know...so maybe I could ....you know....?"
so the mouse takes out the thorn, runs up the elephants tail and gets down to business. Understandably, the elephant forgets he is there and continues his journey through the jungle. A coconut falls off a tree and hits the elephant on the head.
"OOOOOWWWWWW!" screams the elephant
"Take it like a man big boy!" yells the mouse!
happyone (AM I going to get chuckedout yet, or am I still ok????)
nomorepanic
15-03-07, 22:00
ok here we go (Ross has told me already knows it so shows how old it is)
Alex can ban me afterwards!
There is this panda sitting at home one night and feeling a bit rampant so he decided to go out and get some action.
He comes across this very sexy lady wandering the streets and she gives him the big come on.
He thinks his luck is in so approaches her and she asks him to go back to her place for some fun.
"Ok" he says "but I am really hungry so can we get some food first"
"Sure" she says
Off they go to a romantic restaurant and have a lovely meal.
Then she offers to take him back to her place for some fun and action so he agrees.
Well he has the most fantastic sex ever, smokes a cigarette and gets up to leave.
She stops him at the door and says "umm you have to pay me now" to which he replies "why?".
"well" she says "Look up the definition of prostitute in the dictionary - it will say a woman that you pay to have sex with"
To which he replies
"Ok look up the definition of a panda in the dictionary and it says ........................
"Eats shoots and leaves"
Boom Boom
Boom boom indeed!!
here is my last one of the night...I love this!!
two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other "It smells fishy in here!"
Happyone
x
Whats E.T short for?
Cause he has little legs :D
What do you get when you cross the Queen with a post box?
Royal Mail!
What happened when the lift became pourly?
I think I'm coming down with something!
Come on Nic, spill. You can't keep us hanging
A guy walks into the Psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." :ohmy:
A Doctor at a Psychiatric Hospital is interviewing patients to see if they are ready to go home.
"Right," he says to one patient "you have been recommended for release, tell me, what would you do when you leave here?"
"Well," says the patient "I used to do engineering, so I could go back to that... I might write a book about my time here, I think it would be interesting... and I've discovered an interest in art while I've been here, so I might do a course."
"Ok," says the doctor "those sound like very good things to do."
"And," says the patient "the best thing is that in my spare time, I can carry on being a teapot!" :blush:
murphy calls to see his mate paddy whos broken his leg, paddy says" me feet are freezing mate could you nip upstairs and get me slippers"?no bother he says and runs upstairs,there are paddys 2 stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their bed "hello girls your dad sent me up here to s**g you both", "F*** off ya liar" they said, ok i'll prove it says murphy so he shouts down the stairs "both of em paddy" of course whats the use of f*****g one
hope thats ok
denise :D
paddy and jimmy need a drink. they put there money together but only have 50p. paddy takes the cash into the butchers and buys a sausage, They go into a bar and order 2 pints and down them. Before the barman can ask for the cash, Paddy puts the sausage in his fly and jimmy sucks it. So the barman throws them out, in the 18th pub jimmy says " i cant do this anymore me knees are killing me"..."ur knees" replies paddy, i lost the sausage in the 4th pub
denise :yesyes:
Red tarmac and black tarmac go swaggering into a pub, plonk themselves down at the bar, order some drinks and start boasting about how tough they are.
"I can take on anyone in here!" announces the red tarmac. The black tarmac hoists himself up on the bar and bellows, "Bring it on! I'll take you all on at once!" Just as the bartender is about to tell them to knock it off, green tarmac comes through the doors, and red and black tarmac turn and run for the men's room, where they cower until green tarmac has drunk up and left.
Seeing them skulk back to the bar, the bar tender asks them what's up - surely green tarmac is no match for such tough guys as them? "Are you joking?" they reply, "Don't mess with him, he's a cycle-path!"
I apologise for these, they are shockingly bad! :weep:
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
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So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
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So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin".
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So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
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But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
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He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
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So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?".
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So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
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Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
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Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
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A seal walks into a club...
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
:shrug:
:wall::wall:
Soooo bad lol
Trac xx
:wall::wall:
Soooo bad lol
Trac xx
You'll hurt that wall in a minute! :sly:
nomorepanic
23-03-07, 22:54
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
This is for me cos my car needs a new one and it is only £580 :wacko: :lac: :weep: :mad:
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
This is for me cos my car needs a new one and it is only £580 :wacko: :lac: :weep: :mad:
French Crap :sly: :laugh:
http://www.hadel.net/modellbau/assets/pkw/peugeot/206cc_zu/pkw_peug_206cc_04.jpg
Actual Size and Colour.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Here you go Nic. I found a new CAT for your car.
http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i85/rossinbristol22/Catz%20Lolz/2512594.jpg
wobily_lin
29-03-07, 16:37
lmao this thread is soooooooooo funny good one Ross love it x
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
an elephant meets a camel and asks "why have you got tits on your back?"
the camel replies, "thats fuc*ing rich coming from a fat cu*t with a di*k on his face"
paddy & mick go up in a small plane. Mick says to paddy "if we turn upside down do you think we'll fall out?" Paddy says, "will we fu*k, we've been mates for years"
ok now for the really sick one..........
a young woman went to the antiques roadshow and dangled a tampon in the experts face and said " go on ya clever fu*ker, what period is that from"
Sorry Nic these are the only ones I can remember..............
Darkangel, those are truly awful!!! I laughed my socks off.
Lmao Darkangel lolol. xxx Crude but funny
glad u enjoyed them - i know they a wee bit crude - been bit scared to read my PMs just in case lol
take care everyone
Darkangel x
nomorepanic
16-04-07, 22:36
It is ok you are not :ban: ned yet :yesyes:
phew
this isnt really a joke but its something my friend emailed to me so thought I would share
Q: WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius
Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
A: They don't have enough time
Q: WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
Q: WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
A: They're intended for children but men usually end up playing with them
Q: WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
A: Because their balls fall over their a$$holes and they vapour lock
Q: WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
Q: WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy
Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
A: Nobody knows, since it has never happened
Q: ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
A: Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
LMAO!! I havn't read this thread for a whiel, it fair brightened up my evening!
From crude to rude to crude again!
happyone
xx
honeybee3939
17-04-07, 20:51
Poor old mother in law jokes
my mother in law hates me
she said when you die im going to dance on your grave. good i said im getting buried at sea!!!!!!!!!!!:)
Talking to a mate the other day he said "My mother-in-laws an angel"
I said "your lucky mines still alive":)
my mother in law dont stop moaning, we took her on holiday last week moaned before we left,moaned driving there,even moaned when i got her off the roof rack:)
i told my mother in law when you die im going to pour a bottle of your favourite whiskey on your grave.
but im going to pass it through my kidneys first !:)
mother in law was getting undressed the other night looked in the mirror and said im looking fat old,and ugly ,turns to father in law tell me somthing to cheer me up.... .............your eye sights spot on !!:)
I love my mother in law really!
love
:hugs:
Andrea
There was an Irishman in the middle of a cornfield rowing a boat when another Irishman drove by. The bloke in the car got out and shouted to the one in the boat "its t**ts like you that give the rest of us irish a bad name"
"and if i could swim,i'd come out there and teach you a f****n lesson
heres another:
man goes into superdrug and asks "have you got any KY jelly?"
the assistant says "no have you tried boots ?"
man says "i want to slide in not f****n march in"
and finally
a man staggers into a bar.He shouts across to a group of lads "ive shagged your mother!" The lads ignore him. He shouts again "up the arse as well"
They still ignore him, He shouts a third time "she sucked my knob too!"
one of the lads stands up and shouts "go home dad your pissed"
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter
I think I've got these right - apologies they are pretty bad!
Why did the cow win a nobel prize? It was outstanding in its field!
A man walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder. He asks the barman for two pints, one for me and one for Tiny on my shoulder. The Barman asks why is he called Tiny, the man replies "Cos he's my newt!!!"
Why didn't the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens were already around.
groovygranny
21-05-07, 20:46
OK then.......here are some really naff Belly Dancing jokes!...
Q: How many belly dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to do it and four to stand around saying, "I can do that... better."
Q: What kind of crowds do belly dancers hang out in?
A: Hip circles!
Q: What do belly dancers do on their nights off?
A: Go out dancing sheik to sheik!
Q: How are belly dancers and plastic surgeons alike?
A: They both tuck and lift!
Q: What is the difference between a belly dancer and an incompetent pastry chef?
A: One shakes body parts, and the other bakes shoddy tarts!
And, finally, GG's Bumper Sticker......
Belly Dancer on Board. Vehicle may shimmy without warning!! :emot-dance: :winks:
:flowers:
Paddy was driving home pissed as a newt. Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree,then another and another. A cop car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road. Paddy tells the cop all about the trees in the road. The cop says " For fcuk sake Paddy thats your air freshner.
Two eggs boiling in a saucepan one male one female. She turns to him and says " Look I've got a crack" He replies " No point telling me I'm not fecking hard yet"
PhantasyStar
29-05-07, 12:22
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says, "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new
club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up
getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll
look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long
as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he
sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking
cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary
chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and
walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and
wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says, "I thought
you were going to look after me."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol
is it wrong to have a willy? a little boy asks his mom
no why?his mom replies
well dads upstairs in the bathroom trying to pull his off !!
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