Not doing at all well.

[belle]

Every day that passes i feel that i really am sinking into a hole with NO way out at all. My agoraphobia is getting worse these days. Yesterday we went to the town and my mother made me park somewhere where we never park and we had to walk a lot further than normal and by the time we got to the shop we needed to go into all i kept thinking was how far from the freaking car we were and i started getting panicky. I wanted to leave there and then, but my mum was exchanging something for my sister and made me wonder off to take my mind of the panic. Thankfully it did go very quickly, but my point is why the hell did it come at all??? I am so sick of feeling scared when i go out.

Last time i posted i mentioned about getting a new car. Well, not having a car for 5 weeks has certainly had a crappy effect on me. I bought myself a lovely 54 reg Fiesta Finesse and i picked it up yesterday (so i've got no excuse about it being too old to drive) but now i am too scared to drive it anywhere. I sat in it today and panicked and had to get out again. How pathetic and stupid am i?

I feel that i am the way i am for a reason, perhaps call it karma. I know i have been a bi*ch in the past. Whatever i have done in my life i have always made an effort to make the best of a situation but now, after having agora for 9 years i've proved to myself that i am a failure and that this is one thing i personally can't recover from, but sadly along with that i know that my husband WILL leave me and what worries me more is that one day my mother (my main support) won't be around and then what the hell will i do? I really don't feel i can get better. I am too scared of the feelings. I am too scared to just "let them flow over me".....I am just too scared of everything.
I've been having loads of odd feelings all over my body. I've had a terrible feeling in my spine but i don't recall straining it. My arm today was dead heavy and achy. I constantly feel exhausted and just want to sleep...all day. I am sitting here daily getting fatter and fatter and hating myself for being so crap.

My husband comes home tomorrow after being away for 6 weeks training and i just KNOW i will start getting crap about getting a new car and not being able to drive it, then i will get upset and want to harm myself. Ugh...what a mess.

Sorry i am being so negative.

Sarah x

[Karen]

Hi Sarah

I'm sorry to read that you are having such a hard time right now. I empathise with how sometimes it feels like there is no way out. However, you have achieved so much already. Recovering from an eating disorder is not easy and yet you did it.

At the moment going out or being too far from the car is difficult and it can seem like this will never end too but that's not the case. The reality is that there are a lot of positives in your post, in spite of how you are feeling. You did go out with your mum. You did park away from your comfort zone and you waited while your mum did what she had to do in the shop. I think that takes a lot of courage for someone with agoraphobia.

Your new car sounds nice. :) It is new and you are not yet accostomed to driving it so it is understandable that you might feel apprehensive. How about planning to sit in the car for a few minutes without aiming to drive anywhere? Do that a few times until you feel more comfortable. Once you feel more at home in sitting in the car perhaps you coud aim to go for a very short drive, maybe around the block for example.

You are NOT stupid, pathetic, fat or any of those other negative names you call yourself. This is low self esteem and feeling overwhelmed by a number of difficulties. You certainly don't deserve to feel this way.

At present things are difficult but life can improve. Hang in there Sarah. We are all with you. There is no need to harm yourself.

I hope tomorrow is a good reunion with your husband. :hugs:

Karen xx

[skylight2007]

[quote=sarahc;200448]
Whatever i have done in my life i have always made an effort to make the best of a situation but now, after having agora for 9 years i've proved to myself that i am a failure and that this is one thing i personally can't recover from, but sadly along with that i know that my husband WILL leave me and what worries me more is that one day my mother (my main support) won't be around and then what the hell will i do?

:hugs: Hiya there sarah, its very easy to fall into the mood of negativity, because you just want to get on with your life and live your life without fear. You always made the effort in your own words, and you can do so now, when were feeling down, its understable to lose the motivation to get up and do, and it takes real hard effort to push ourselves forward, In the past 9 years, you've coped, you've had support around, you, and it is a concern about what will happen to you if there was no one around, but they are there to help you and encourage you, you do have the control, your just not aware of it, sometimes we can sabotage our own efforts because the anxiety can be high and knock our confidence so low, we wonder how the hell are we going to get out of this!!!!
The feelings are hard to deal with, but you have your car, and that can be the first step, you done it before , so maybe that could be your first goal, we can all feel like were not achieving anything , but remember you do support others, you are a caring person, you cope the best you can from day to day, these are often the small things we tend to ignore about ourself, but their good qualities dont you think?and you do try to make the best of a situation, that tells me your someone who has a positive attitude to do better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope you feel a lot better!!!! Love sky