looking4answers
16-03-07, 01:36
Its wierd its like im living the same day everyday .I go to sleep at night generally waiting on my wife to get through with whatever she is doing.Thank God she has obsessions of reading or doing artwork on the computer.I weigh how I feel at the time and think well if I die then I had a pretty good day.I try to sleep and usually find myself jerking awake and then she usually gets ready and goes to bed with me.It takes me awhile and I pray and then drift to sleep sometimes dreams are not disturbing and even nice.I wake in the morning knowing that dreams really mean nothing.We have a security camera where we can see the view of the yard and the moutain in a distance and the dirt flying from an occassion car or truck that lumbers down the road.I think what is my plan for today ,I linger a little longer and drift back to sleep but its hard for me to sleep later.I usually get up and go feed the horses and dogs and let them out of the kennel..with a little hard heart beating and just a little breathlesssness..I come back in and make a little breakfast usually toast and coffee and banana,and then I lie back down and look in the distance on the security monitor and wonder what kind of feelings I will experience today .. Then after awhile I will get up pittle around and then lay back down and get on the computer.After a few hours I eat tuna salad by then im famished and well sometimes recently I will get so anxious from not being anxious that I actually get nervous and its happened the last couple of days.I will work on the computer for awhile and then when I get up again after eating oh about 30 mins to an hour I go out and do somethings in the yard and the food being digested will sometimes cause my heart to pound all over my body and cause me to be a little short of breath.This will continue most of the rest of the evening and subside just before time to eat again with an occasssional missed heart beat here and there and then then after eating my heart rate will seem to be fairly ok ,by this time i have gone through many feelings of anxiety and sensations that i have mananged to ignore but im exhausted and will start calming down and getting ready to go to sleep.My day varies some here and there but seems always to be the same..I don't understand no matter what I do the hard heartbeat always seems to be present after eatling lunch and the occassional missed beat.The day goes on and I wonder will I live through this one only to start another.I try to get intense about something anything and it only wanes to the background...Why am I like this ? A person that is usually so easy to make happy .Its a beautful place and my health seems good although hearing the heartbeat bothers me but i have been told there is nothing wrong with me.For awhile I thought I was agoraphobic but we go and come to town when need be with no adverse reaction even got out and road the four wheeler which I havent done in recent months and stayed outside almost a full day for several days ,but everyday seems the same no matter what I do ,its a repeat of the same day ,nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back on its like limbo...Is this all a part of anxiety or insanity ..Will it ever be better?I could pretty much travel anywhere I want to but have no desire since we have traveled extensively .I dont want my life to just drift into oblivion...We have tried to volunteer for things time after time .This place is so small they have a large amount of people that do this since there is pretty much nothing else to do ..Whats wrong with me am i just terminally unhapppy .I want to laugh again and smile and not care what tomorrow brings again..What can I do.. I hate worry, I hate anxiety and stress but I cant seem to rid myself of it all no matter what drugs i take or what positive thoughts I give myself its only temporary .. Is this all there is or ever will be.. Does anyone else feel the way I do .. like what is the use tomorrow will be exactly the same...No i dont want to die or feel that way at all .. I just wish I knew why I feel the way I do ..