I'm not coping

[Candyknitter]

I haven't posted in a long time but last night I was very bad and I need somewhere I can talk. I'm not on meds at the moment because I hate how I feel on them.
I've been stressed the last two weeks with builders doing work in the garden, we recently moved into my husbands old family home and I don't like it but I haven't told him. I thought a few days away would help but last night was only our second night away and I went into melt down. We had just got back to our room and although I could feel myself freaking inside all day I hadn't said anything. I started crying and shaking, told him I wasn't coping, and ended up being in the loo until 2am with vomiting and the diarrhoea.
We were meant to be away until tomorrow night but I told him I HAD to come home because I feel "safe" in my bed.

Well I'm home now but I just don't know how I can keep going on like this. I want to be better and STAY better permanently. I'm 43 and have 3 kids - when will I feel like a wise responsible adult full of sage advice? I feel more like a babbling neurotic burden. I love my kids and they love me but they notice sometimes I "zone out". I don't tell them I have depression and anxiety because my mum had it and I hated it. I don't want that "label"

My 2 younger kids (teens) are already showing signs of anxiety and I feel it's my fault, my genes that have done this. My husband is great but he doesn't understand. When I tell him my thoughts run away with me and make me imagine worst case scenarios, he tells me not to let them! I love him but I am a massive strain on him and he even gets bloodshot eyes when I'm down as it sends his blood pressure up.

The person I would always call when bad and who calmed me down was my mum, but she died 5 years ago and I just can't fill that void. I still cry so much and try to imagine what she would say to reassure me but I just need her so much. I can't cope! What on earth happens to people like me?

[busterrufus]

I,m so sorry. I am older than you but I miss and need my mum who we lost 12 years ago. I long to talk to her and hug her. I am so anxious about dying because my husband and grown up children will have those feelings too. Even worse they may just remember me as a pathetic hypochondriac. Please keep trying to get better.

[Candyknitter]

Busterrufus its good to find that I'm not the only one not coping without their mum. I felt silly reacting like this at my age, I don't know anyone else in this position who hasn't seemed to just take it in their stride. I was very close to my mum and I guess you were too

[busterrufus]

I was, and I feel as though I am letting her down too I want to be stronger. My children even tell me to be stronger, but I don't know how to when I,m in the depths. I admit when I am on my own and in despair I talk out loud to my mum. Hope no one hears or I,ll be locked up!

[Buster70]

Hi , I'm 46 male and lost my dad in my twenties I still miss him but I feel if he was still around he'd be ashamed of how messed up ive ended up over the last few years , his death started the ball rolling for me , I've got grown up daughters and two grand kids and it's realy hard somtimes to put on a happy face when you feel dead inside ,I don't talk to my daughters about my anxiety / depression as I used to be a strong dad and now i feel like I'm letting them down , losing my dog recently has brought back a lot of feelings about loss and seeing my mum getting old is playing on my mind , I wish I had some answers for you but family life can be very hard and life in general , take care and just do the best you can .

[pulisa]

I lost my Mum 26 years ago and my Dad nearly 2 years ago. You're never too old to need and desperately miss your parents in my opinion particularly when times are really tough and you have to appear strong for your children when you're anything but..

I really feel for you and you are certainly not alone in your feelings. So many people struggle to cope with life. Please keep posting on here and you will get lots of support and understanding

[georgewing]

Well i that what you do make your anxiety worse .I see that you stay at your husband house and dont like it but stay also ,when you stay in an unhappy place something negative starts in you and gives more power to your anxiety .Being afraid of your anxiety gives them more power ,you must show other anxiety and talk about her and try to fix it ,if you just hide it you will not fix it .You must dont be ashamed by anxiety its not a shame .You must find a good therapist and will help you a lot and if you will have good results you will help your child also