new member, welcome to my life

[waynerob]

Hi all, I stumbled on this site in some desperate search for a cure that doesn't exist, but ive bin reading allot of the information around here & some of it has bin interesting, ive never bin one for posting on forums or any type of social media but here we go, about me........

Im 28 & have suffered from severe social anxiety since I was a child, I was always a shy/nervous/wimpy kid, I would make myself feel sick at the thought of going to school which led to many days off & alienated the few friends that i thought i had, when it came time to leave school i knew i wasn't ready & wanted to stay on but didn't have the grades/intelligence to do it which shattered what little confidence I had in myself to begin with. so I became housebound.

I think my family always knew that something was wrong with me, I tried doing a stay-at-home coarse on web-design to take the pressure off and make it look like i was doing something with my life but it didn't go well, I just couldn't learn anything from it (maybe just to dumb to figure it out for myself from a book, who knows) I pulled out of the coarse towards the end (& to this day don't remember or think i learned a single thing from it.

I spent my days just hiding in my room in front of the pc, the closest thing to social activity was online gaming, at the age of 24 I had severe tooth ache (hadn't bin to a dentist since school) I had to get an emergency appointment & when I arrived at the waiting room I had my first full blown panic attack, the staff and my family did everything the could to help & once i did finally start to calm down because of it all they wouldn't even look at my tooth & send me home to return the next day first thing in the morning. that was the thing that finally pushed me to seek help.

after about a month I built up the confidence to go to the doctor (i went alone because i didnt want my family to know in case it didn't work, i didnt want to disappoint them or give them false hope), that turned out to be the right decision as it didn't work the doctor just gave me tablets & sent me on my way, the tablets made me feel like my insides were exploding, I phoned the doctor who told me to persevere with it, after about 2 weeks i couldn't take it and phoned again where i was told that if i wasn't willing to try and help myself that their was nothing she could do for me. i think that's when i was at my lowest.

at this point my dad was made redundant & money became tight, so my family convinced me to claim benefits which to do id have to go to the doctor (at this point i came clean about my failed attempt at getting help) they convinced me to go back & fortunately that doctor was no longer with the practice, it was the doctor i saw this time that officially diagnosed me with agoraphobia & game me more medication & tried very hard to convince me to see someone (which ive still never done).

after about 9 months I had enough, I was sick of taking tablets that i didnt feel were doing anything (maybe they did maybe they didnt) & I hated that I was claiming benefits (I felt as if i didn't deserve them just for being a wimp) so my sister got me a job at her work, a simple mindless job that even i couldn't mess up (which thankfully is in a quiet building with few people) soon after i started working I stopped taking the tablets & have never thought of going back on them.

Ive now bin working their for 3 years & only 2 panic attacks while ive bin their. (my sister left the job about a year ago) but after 2 years i guess I became comfortable enough in the routine to continue without her, theirs even 1 or 2 ppl their i can call friend (or work friends at least). at the time it felt like great progress but after 3 years I dont really feel like ive improved anything (mentally), sure its great having money in the bank & feeling like im going somewhere/doing something in the day but I haven't really changed or improved (at least not in the way id hoped)

I still rely on family to take me to & from work, (the thought of public transport still terrifys me) I still cant leave the house other than to go to work & home again, I barely talk to anyone while im their, I cant walk to the shops or burger vans at lunch time, I still cant socialize with them out of work like going to their house or joining them for nights out etc. & I cant see that changing anytime soon, theirs so much i want to achieve like loosing my virginity (im almost 30 ffs) at time I feel like im starting to go backwards).

on-top of the social anxiety & lack of confidence, self-esteem Ive always had an extremely negative view about myself (both mentally & physically), Ive never really gotten to the root of what caused me to be this way, I have a few theory's the main one being my self haltered for my appearance & more physical attributes (or lack off) Ive often tried to improve this by loosing weight as just one example, I guess my theory is that If I was happier with how i look id be happier with myself & therefor more confidant & outgoing (which i realize all sounds incredibly vein) but hey u aint seen me so :p

all i know for sure is that I want to move forward in life, I want to be able to go out & make friends, have a relationship, get a better job, follow my interests, take a holiday get a tattoo (i could go on but u get the idea), I know my parents wont be around for ever & the more they remind me of that the more i worry that I wont be able to survive without them, to help me with simple everyday things like transport.

when I started writing this i thought id just say hello :roflmao: but i haven't bin able to stop myself (its actually felt kind of therapeutic i guess), so to anyone that's made it all the way through my pathetic little story thanks for taking the time to read it :)

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya waynerob and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[dally]

Hi
I'm glad you found this site. Welcome.
One things for sure, you are a very good raconteur. I enjoyed reading your story. It is similar to mine in that doctors threw medication at me, didn't work for me either and I ended up with an aversion (phobia) to taking meds and increased anxiety and agoraphobia.

30+years ago there wasn't much 'talking therapy (CBT)' etc but now there are many ways the NHS can help you.
go back to your GP and ask to be referred to your local mental health team. The treatment that helped me with agarophobia was exposure therapy. My therapist talked me through the info/theory on how panic attacks/social anxiety etc start, then work with you to find a way to help you.
I've wasted the last 30++ years. I'd hate to see it happening to anyone else. There are people who can help you!

[waynerob]

thanks for posting I appreciate it, i just recently started looking into exposure but doing anything like that just seems like an impossible goal for me, i live in a small village in the middle of nowhere so just traveling to a place would be a nightmare on its own without the added mental problems that pile onto it, but im glad to hear its helped you well done on finding something that worked for you (especially without tablets) that's definitely something i want to avoid.

[fedup1967]

Hi Waynerob
welcome to the forum.
your early years sound like mine...I was also very shy quiet and I stood out as a result and not surprisingly became a target for bullying and teasing.
and both left me feeling very hurt and depressed.
my early years were often unhappy for various reasons
but the shyness and anxiety never left me grew more as time passed.
now I'm almost 50 and though I have learned to cope with the anxiety
the shyness and being quiet and not believing in myself remains the same.
and I find that when pressure is put upon me by say my Job Advisor to go to yet another job club thing
I get this feeling in my stomach and don't want to go.
and then that robs me of peace of mind cause she is always telling me to go and I want to say leave me alone can't you see I'm not well?
but of course I can't do that and so I feel depressed because the thing is with the job centers is they tend to overlook us unless we come in on crutches etc.
just because they can't in a sense see the tortured person inside
they assume we are OK and just need encouragement.
but I can't help feeling its just a clever way to reduce the amount of anxiety sufferers who claim benefit?
its like come in and sign us away to reduce the numbers as quick as possible.
so they will put on the fake smile
and ignore us when we mention we suffer from anxiety disorder.
or they'll say oh but you are on the work related benefit so your expected to join the latest job club despite the fact that you may have been on many and even if you find a job the anxiety disorder doesn't miraculously stop.
and if for some reason we get sacked we go back to benefit and probably find that its much harder to claim benefit even when we are genuinely unwell.
I know your post wasn't based on what I just wrote but I got a feeling you can relate?
we are all in the same boat when we all suffer from anxiety disorder and are claiming benefit.
unless we physically disabled then that's the only time they will ease up on us.
and they never understand how their pressure increases the anxiety we already endure day and night.
no wonder I and many other also feel depressed.
I hope you don't mind me expressing my feelings in this way?
but again I feel sure you can relate to what I wrote.
anyway You take care
and keep in touch
Trev

---------- Post added at 21:21 ---------- Previous post was at 21:00 ----------

Wayne,
I just want to add that I can also relate to other things you wrote about.
I remember when I was a teenager I was convinced that I'd always be a loner with regards to relationships.
at that Time I was having panic attacks on a daily basis and my confidence and self esteem were low.
but as it tends to be what I thought in my mind was different in reality.
and even though I never had a serious relationship till I was in my late 20s (and I was still suffering with panic attacks)
women still found me attractive and enjoyed my company.
so my advice is don't imagine life will pass you by,
because the way you view yourself isn't likely to be the way women will view you.
I know how it feels to be a man and still be inexperienced and lacking in confidence.
but I don't think its your fault.
it maybe the panic attacks which has affected your self esteem?
I know from personal experience how panic attacks can affect confidence and self esteem.
and when you see more confident guys getting what you secretly wish for
that may bring on feelings of depression
even making you prone to mood changes etc.
all because this anxiety has clung to you like the skin on your bones
keeping you locked in yourself like a prison with no key to set you free.
but that doesn't mean you don't have qualities which may appeal to the opposite gender.
not all women expect their men to be loud and brash etc etc.
you'll be surprised to find that many of them prefer a quiet man...because such men are more likely to listen more and be more sympathetic to things they are unhappy about.
you maybe shy and lacking in confidence etc but I'm sure you have qualities that are attractive.
also try to accept yourself as you(even though that's easier said than done)
but you'll be surprised how appealing that maybe to the opposite gender.
they may view that as courageous
which may spur you to go further and try to fulfill some of the things you perhaps feel you can't or wont fulfill.
the fact is Wayne despite your shyness and anxiety attacks you can still achieve goals.
all you have to do is be patient and when you feel ready
take the first step and even if doesn't work...try not to let it discourage you.
just give yourself time to recover and gradually try again and sooner or later you will certainly find that the world is open to you as it is every other man.
I hope this will give you food for thought and comfort.
you take care Mate.
best wishes from Trev:)r

[dally]

Wayne,
Believe me when I say I was a housebound agaraphobia!
My mental health occupational therapist came to my home for about 3months just talking about my difficulties and making a plan for the future(exposure)
The first couple!e of journeys were in her car 5 mins away and straight back. It was hardly worth putting my seat belt on!
It wasn't easy.i t was very difficult. I was panicking for days before the first journey..almost cancelled the scheduled appointment dozens of times..i was physically sick just before it...but I think we all reach the point at some time when we just know this can't go on anymore AND HAVE to do something!

I still have agoraphobic boundaries. On a good day it's roughly 30mins by car max. On a bad day I stay at home, but make myself do major housework as penance. lol

Don't think I don't know how you feel or I can't be as bad as you because I was. I never believed I would EVER get on a train again. But I did. I still fight agoraphobia every day. todate I never know how I will feel when I waken or what sparks my panic.
Please ask your GP to refer you to the mental health team and just enquire what help they can offer you.
They may have local groups of people they can put you in contact with.

[waynerob]

also try to accept yourself as you(even though that's easier said than done)

that's certainly a battle ive bin fighting for a long time, & although im loosing the fight its not all defeat, I have learned to accept certain things about myself that I cant change (at least now without allot of surgery lol) but ive found areas that I hope to be able to change (like my weight) my theory being that If i can become happier with my appearance I can be happier with myself (mentally) & maybe gain a little confidence & prove to myself in the process that's its possible to change things for the better, (of course loosing the weight is also easier said than done when u cant leave the house). thanks for posting Trev

@dally thanks for posting again, exposure sounds interesting id like to learn more about whats involved in it, but i think that seeing someone just isn't for me (the doctor did try to persuade me to try it despite admitting himself that its a nightmare to get anyone in our area). I think in my mind the 2 major "steps" i think ive taken were achieved without a therapist or anything like that (the 2 steps being building up the courage to go to the doctor & obviously going to work with my sister) so in my mind its like it'll only work for me if im the one to do it (if that makes any seance :wacko: )

[fedup1967]

your welcome Wayne.
I can relate to much of what you are dealing with.
at one point I decided to let my life revolve around eating vast amounts of food without restraint day and night over a long period of time and sure as anything my weight shot up.
and my esteem went down.
I felt like a freak...when friends would coax me out of my flat I'd stay in the car cause I didn't like the thought of people looking at me.
I looked and felt very unhealthy
and that affected how I felt in my mind.
eventually I lost much of the weight but I still find it very difficult to like myself.
I look in the mirror and I don't always like what I see.
I start thinking if only my tummy was flat and my back was straight,
if I had more hair,
clearer skin,
if only my voice sounded better etc
and if only I didn't have essential tremors,
how better I would Feel.
but would I?
I'm starting to realize that its not about How we look Wayne
even though our physical appearance can affect how we feel about ourselves.
I think its more about the society we are born into and the way it treats people.
for example people like us
i.e. lacking in confidence...slow progressers
we are increasingly viewed as a burden on the state
who try to force us off benefit and leave us to sort ourselves out.
and the effect on us is that we feel even worse about ourselves.
and in many cases that can lead to depression which can lead to people taking their lives because they feel they are better off out than in.
but if society tries to change the way it views people with anxiety disorders etc
it is possible that those of us who do develop anxiety disorders may feel less uncomfortable with ourselves let alone society?
every now and then we hear politicians talking about helping people like us
which of course makes them sound good
but the other side is different.
the pressure from Job advisors to force us off benefit into work
even if we don't feel ready.
that doesn't help especially if our anxiety is intense and long term.
its good of course to get back to work
but does work address our anxiety?
no.
so the potential to fall back is always there.
Ive been there Wayne.
for example about 20 years ago I found a job working for traid
and I did it for a few months but because my anxiety is severe
it made my job harder than it needed to be and eventually I was sacked cause the manager felt I wasn't fit enough to do the work.
of course I felt upset but deep down I knew she was right cause everyday I went into work I had to fight against the old anxieties and it made it harder than it needed to be.
physically I'm able bodied
but mentally I'm unfit and until I find the right treatment to help me get fit mentally I don't think I'll ever be fit for work in the true sense.
I can work of course...but the anxiety always gets in the way and that's what makes it difficult for me.
and I have found that some people can be unsympathetic and will say things like
you must try harder
you must will yourself to get over this.
if I can do it so can you...but that's easier said than down especially if your disability is more mental than physical.
just trying to think positive when your not accustomed to it can be exhausting and discouraging cause we have to try harder than most people who are perhaps naturally inclined to thinking positive so they don't have to put in the effort we do.
and like anything that we tend to shy away from
just the thought of trying can be discouraging cause our brains and bodies start to react in a way that makes us feel its better not to try.
its hard...its really hard.
and I think this is why so many of us sink into depression and once we are down there its not easy to pick ourselves up.
but nevertheless I still believe I have potential and you and everyone else.
its just that its not always easy to find a opportunity to prove it.
for example I have been thinking since yesterday that I have the potential to be a counselor.
but I don't know where to begin to see if I have the potential?
and how hard or easy would it be to become a counselor?
you see my point is Wayne,
I think we are treated unfairly by the government.
they don't give us the opportunities to see if we have potential to be more than just another shelf stacker in the supermarket?
no disrespect to shelf stackers though...I just think that we should be given more choice and opportunities even if we have mental health problems.
I consider myself to be empathetic and caring
and I could use that to help those that need someone to talk to etc.
I doubt it would be easy and I may find it stressful
but I wouldn't mind trying.
I just want us to be given a chance to be more than a shelf stacker or street sweeper etc.
Ive gone on for quite a bit and I hope I haven't worn you out
but your reply has touched something in me and I just want to let you know I'm dealing with similar stuff from day to day.

[HalfJack]

Well you've had lots of replies! Well done and welcome! :welcome:

I love that you have a list of stuff to do that includes a tattoo! I'm getting my first soon hopefully, unless I explode with anxiety, lets pretend I won't and all will be fine though haha.

If you've never done any kind of therapy before or any CBT or anything then that could help you get better, lots of info here about that and there are quite a few agoraphobics (myself included) here. Although for me this was a later in life thing and not as long term, I can still identify with a lot about what you've said.
I'm (now) an A grade student, I did an online course and learned nothing and gave up with it too, some of them just aren't done very well.

Re: Losing virginity and stuff like that, that's just part of getting better a guess? Like rather than an aim it's a product of being more secure and confident and all achievable for sure. Don't feel too bad about your age though, I know guys who waited a long time just because they were busy with work or Uni and stuff like that. People without social issues can leave it a long time before they date and sleep with anyone too, they just don't advertise it.
Good luck! See you round!

[waynerob]

Don't feel too bad about your age though, I know guys who waited a long time just because they were busy with work or Uni and stuff like that.

Thanks for posting, & I can respect those that wait because their busy or because of beliefs etc but its very different when your a virgin by force rather than choice, know what i mean? (not sure why but that part of ur message stood out to me lol)

@Trevor thanks for coming back, Im still getting use to this whole posting thing, Ive never bin one for forums or social media..... or just anything social :doh: but Ive really enjoyed seeing other peoples points of view & finding common ground with others :)

[waynele]

Hello,welcome to the forum.