chrisandhisbrain
27-06-16, 12:02
I'm angry. In fact my anger is getting closer to boiling over.
I cannot stop catastrophizing. Any feeling, ache, pain, bead of sweat, and I think the worst. I'm so sure of that feeling too.
I wish I could channel that conviction into something positive, but as much as I try to be positive, there's always that thing at the back of my head saying 'this could be it'.
Exercise is supposed to help, but it doesn't for me anymore. In fact, the adrenaline sets me into a rage...I get so angry with the negative thoughts (am I sweating too soon, why am I out of breath so quickly, am I about to have a heart attack etc..) that it makes me scream and want to put my head through a window.
Of course the NHS has spent thousands doing tests on me. I am, to look at and on paper, the picture of health.
Yes I feel and act as if I'm terminal. Yet ill people I've met or seen on TV always seem very positive and inspiring. That makes me feel selfish, guilty, just terrible. Like I'm so ungrateful to be in this situation.
But I'm not, I want to live and enjoy my life, and I am still young enough to change it. I'm just scared (obviously) that I'll be the same in 20 years, only this time filled with regrets.
(internal scream - sat at my desk at work)
I cannot stop catastrophizing. Any feeling, ache, pain, bead of sweat, and I think the worst. I'm so sure of that feeling too.
I wish I could channel that conviction into something positive, but as much as I try to be positive, there's always that thing at the back of my head saying 'this could be it'.
Exercise is supposed to help, but it doesn't for me anymore. In fact, the adrenaline sets me into a rage...I get so angry with the negative thoughts (am I sweating too soon, why am I out of breath so quickly, am I about to have a heart attack etc..) that it makes me scream and want to put my head through a window.
Of course the NHS has spent thousands doing tests on me. I am, to look at and on paper, the picture of health.
Yes I feel and act as if I'm terminal. Yet ill people I've met or seen on TV always seem very positive and inspiring. That makes me feel selfish, guilty, just terrible. Like I'm so ungrateful to be in this situation.
But I'm not, I want to live and enjoy my life, and I am still young enough to change it. I'm just scared (obviously) that I'll be the same in 20 years, only this time filled with regrets.
(internal scream - sat at my desk at work)