Tired, angry, self hating.

[chrisandhisbrain]

I'm angry. In fact my anger is getting closer to boiling over.

I cannot stop catastrophizing. Any feeling, ache, pain, bead of sweat, and I think the worst. I'm so sure of that feeling too.

I wish I could channel that conviction into something positive, but as much as I try to be positive, there's always that thing at the back of my head saying 'this could be it'.

Exercise is supposed to help, but it doesn't for me anymore. In fact, the adrenaline sets me into a rage...I get so angry with the negative thoughts (am I sweating too soon, why am I out of breath so quickly, am I about to have a heart attack etc..) that it makes me scream and want to put my head through a window.

Of course the NHS has spent thousands doing tests on me. I am, to look at and on paper, the picture of health.

Yes I feel and act as if I'm terminal. Yet ill people I've met or seen on TV always seem very positive and inspiring. That makes me feel selfish, guilty, just terrible. Like I'm so ungrateful to be in this situation.

But I'm not, I want to live and enjoy my life, and I am still young enough to change it. I'm just scared (obviously) that I'll be the same in 20 years, only this time filled with regrets.

(internal scream - sat at my desk at work)

[chrisandhisbrain]

No replies :(

How's this for a nightmare call for a HA guy.

Have been having lots of nausea lately, with a little bit of diarrhoea (but not too much really). I've had an extended bout like this before which tests proved were nothing serious, but as that was about 5 years ago I've had another 'sample' sent away for analysis.

Soooo I was told maximum time a week for results. Very long week. After getting close to 2 weeks, the surgery said they would call the lab to find out, as they obviously recognised me calling everyday sounding anxious.

The surgery called me back but I was on a call with a client, so they left a message. This was it:

"Hi Mr xx, your sample has had to be forwarded to xxx hospital in London. It will be back in a further week."

Hands up who would not freak out over that call?

Actually, I did not freak out at all, as it was potentially so serious a sense of calm came over me and the rational side of my brain kicked in (which it did it more often). "there was probably an issue, call back".

Anyway, apparently my local hospital doesn't accept many of these tests now, and just forwards them on to other hospitals.

Phew. Get the results in a couple of days.