amberbear
17-03-07, 13:52
as a teenager i was a bit out of controll wanted partys and fun and no school , my parents would not accept that i was a healthy teenager and got me put into a childrens sycrihactric unit , 3 doctors told them that i was healthy teenager , my parent would never accept that , they used to call me the devil child, scum of the year, poison to name but a few , i also had two olders brothers who were grade a students , so anything went wrong it was always my fault , at the age of 19 i gave birth to a beautiul baby girl but was unable to be alone with her as pregnacy triggered epilepsy off. i was fitting about 3 to 4 times a day , after a few months after the birth my fits stop and i became fit free , i was never allowed to look after her so decided to move with my daughter , my daughter then started having fits and became really violent on her medication , my parents starting taking control starting all the emotional abuse and made me feel worthless , one day my daughter was smashing up the house i rang them and asked for help and they told me they could not help me , i have asked many times for help but they always said no and then pulled the plug out so i could not contact them , at this point my panick attacks increased and i was shaking all the time and i was always nervous even in my own home , and then you just learn to survive you dont live , when i tried to disipline my child they just met her down the shop and gave her waht she wanted i can even remember trying to stop the car in the middle of the road , this went on for years , my anx really took control over me i could not stop what was going on and afraid to leave the house for the panick attacks and i always convinced my self that a panick attack would bring on a fit , my daughter is now 19 and finally i am standing up to them , told them axcatly how i feel , and as guessed more and more abuse came at me but this time was different , i wss in controll , the saddest thing about all this is that all i wanted from my parents was to be told that they loved me , but instead i had to watch the love i wanted given to my daughter , and watching that from the sidelines hurt, i now accept that i will never get it , i also accept that they will never see me as a grown up only a rebellious teeanager , its taken me 17 years to get where i am today , i am now finally thinking off the future not just surviving , my panick attacks have now gone , having counceloring and that is working wonders , i can now say that i finally love me , and i am worth something and beleive me that is a good feeling , my daughter is now better and now as a young lady she is begginning to see for herself what i have put up with and why i would fight all these years for her , she has changed so much and has grown into a beautiful young lady , she can now see what i have put up with over the years and it braks her heart , she loves her grandparents and i would never dream of coming between that , we have now got the mother daughter realationship that we have always wanted and thats wonderful , i sometimes wonder how people who suffer anxiety and panic attacks cope , i think we cope better then people who dont suffer , people always say how sis you cope i say i never did i just learnt to survie day by day and day by day is now turning to week by week , for once i am positive and lookinf forward , lisa