Needsupport
29-06-16, 23:41
I haven't been on this website for awhile. Some of you guys were quite mean to me last time which really upset me, but some of you were very kind and tried to help me...My anxiety started getting better, I was feeling quite hopeful...even started seeing friends again and went on vacation.......:D
..... and then it got worse. Now, I'm even worse than I was a month ago, unfortunately. :weep:
For the past 4 and a half months now I have been obsessing about hiv. It started with "normal" hiv fears, which led to hiv oraquick tests. I developed a fear that the tests could have contained hiv and that it could have infected me. I went back and forth with this fear and now it is stronger than ever and causing me crazy anxiety.
As some of you who wrote to me in the past know, I have ocd, and thus struggle to see certain things the way others without my ocd would. Well, here I am stuck on this terrible fear that someone at the manufacturers could have put plasma with hiv inside the test stick and that somehow through the cotton swab or through "cracks", the blood could have gotten in my mouth.
I have been suffering with this obsession for months now and eventually I told myself I was just going to get tested again. Well now it has gotten a million times worse as I know that there are many different types and subtypes of hiv, and these subtypes can be combined to create NEW subtypes, which may be resistant to medication, undetectable by tests and lead to faster disease progression. THIS LAST SENTENCE is what is causing me the worst type of anxiety I have ever experienced.
At the manufacturers they have access to various hiv+ plasma with various subtypes for quality assurance but my mind has taken this to another twist thinking "what if they placed the hiv+ plasma inside the test stick & then what if it got in your mouth and possibly infected you with a combination of viruses that there is no treatment for, that the test may or may not detect? What if the test doesn't detect it but you have it and you pass it on to your children, if you even have children in the future? Or what if this strain of virus is so awful that you don't have much longer to live?" The what if's go on and on....
Do you get a headache by reading my post? Yes, welcome to my world. As is typical with ocd, I endlessly tried looking up information on hiv transmission. I tried to find some comfort with the fact that hiv is not transmitted as easily orally due to saliva etc... This helped me somewhat but of course as is typical with ocd, I ended up finding cracks such as my mouth was dry due to anxiety when taking the tests etc... I read endlessly responses from hiv doctors online about oral transmission as this helped with my fears, only to be dissapointed when finding out that the extremely low risk they were refering to was mostly to hiv subtype b...Then I learned that hiv subtype AE can be more easily transmitted through the mouth, but exactly how easy that transmission would be I don't know....
Now as far as I know, I did not feel anything wet when taking the tests but I can't shake this horrible fear that there may have been blood with hiv in it that could have dripped in my mouth and that I wouldn't have felt it because I wouldn't have expected it/was anxious or for whatever reason...:weep:
GOING CRAZY!! I'm worried I may have gotten some weird, rare strain of hiv that there is no treatment for and that the tests may not be able to detect.... I worry that I will live the rest of my life fearing I could have gotten hiv from the oraquick test....
THERAPY- I called and they told me I have to wait 2 additional months! I will go though. Currently trying to practice ERP on my own and not working out.
ANXIETY- I have days where my anxiety is really reduced and I see the thoughts as "unlikely" but nonetheless I am not reassured 100%. During these days, I feel hopeful. Then I have days like today where I feel that the amount of anxiety I feel will kill me. It is SO SO SO PAINFUL to endure such anxiety. I have felt my whole chest burning today. A couple of days ago my hands and forearms went completely numb and tingly and I struggled to breathe. I read online that this was due to hyperventilating.
MEDICATION- I am currently taking Fluvoxamine(Luvox). It has been a week. I do not see any improvement but hoping eventually it will work.
LIFESTYLE CHANGES- I recently got a part time job, have made attempts to see more family and friends, go shopping etc...I have even done a few things for my wedding planning... However, it is SUCH a struggle because my anxiety has gotten SO PHYSICAL that I have had to cancel commitments a few times because of it. I feel pretty disabled to be honest.
PRIOR TO ALL THIS-- 4 and a half months ago feels like another life to me... I was so genuinely happy...I was getting married in a few months (I had to postpone the wedding due to my ocd getting so bad), was graduating grad school in May (had to withdraw for now), had a job lined up for me (did not take the job and got a part time job instead), and felt just so mentally stable.....Despite having had ocd for 10 years, this is the FIRST TIME that I have it this severe & the first time that my ocd is focused so intensely on my health and fear of dying...Besides this, I am also terrified that I will not be able to overcome this anxiety. I can't believe I am actually going through this, it feels so surreal and like the worst nightmare ever.
ANY MEDICATION THAT WILL WORK FOR THE INTENSE ANXIETY THAT ISN'T ADDICTIVE? I ALMOST FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE SEMI SEDATED TO FUNCTION IN SOCIETY. Anyone else feel so terrified that they feel disabled? What helps? What else do I need to do???? :weep: Thanks for reading!
..... and then it got worse. Now, I'm even worse than I was a month ago, unfortunately. :weep:
For the past 4 and a half months now I have been obsessing about hiv. It started with "normal" hiv fears, which led to hiv oraquick tests. I developed a fear that the tests could have contained hiv and that it could have infected me. I went back and forth with this fear and now it is stronger than ever and causing me crazy anxiety.
As some of you who wrote to me in the past know, I have ocd, and thus struggle to see certain things the way others without my ocd would. Well, here I am stuck on this terrible fear that someone at the manufacturers could have put plasma with hiv inside the test stick and that somehow through the cotton swab or through "cracks", the blood could have gotten in my mouth.
I have been suffering with this obsession for months now and eventually I told myself I was just going to get tested again. Well now it has gotten a million times worse as I know that there are many different types and subtypes of hiv, and these subtypes can be combined to create NEW subtypes, which may be resistant to medication, undetectable by tests and lead to faster disease progression. THIS LAST SENTENCE is what is causing me the worst type of anxiety I have ever experienced.
At the manufacturers they have access to various hiv+ plasma with various subtypes for quality assurance but my mind has taken this to another twist thinking "what if they placed the hiv+ plasma inside the test stick & then what if it got in your mouth and possibly infected you with a combination of viruses that there is no treatment for, that the test may or may not detect? What if the test doesn't detect it but you have it and you pass it on to your children, if you even have children in the future? Or what if this strain of virus is so awful that you don't have much longer to live?" The what if's go on and on....
Do you get a headache by reading my post? Yes, welcome to my world. As is typical with ocd, I endlessly tried looking up information on hiv transmission. I tried to find some comfort with the fact that hiv is not transmitted as easily orally due to saliva etc... This helped me somewhat but of course as is typical with ocd, I ended up finding cracks such as my mouth was dry due to anxiety when taking the tests etc... I read endlessly responses from hiv doctors online about oral transmission as this helped with my fears, only to be dissapointed when finding out that the extremely low risk they were refering to was mostly to hiv subtype b...Then I learned that hiv subtype AE can be more easily transmitted through the mouth, but exactly how easy that transmission would be I don't know....
Now as far as I know, I did not feel anything wet when taking the tests but I can't shake this horrible fear that there may have been blood with hiv in it that could have dripped in my mouth and that I wouldn't have felt it because I wouldn't have expected it/was anxious or for whatever reason...:weep:
GOING CRAZY!! I'm worried I may have gotten some weird, rare strain of hiv that there is no treatment for and that the tests may not be able to detect.... I worry that I will live the rest of my life fearing I could have gotten hiv from the oraquick test....
THERAPY- I called and they told me I have to wait 2 additional months! I will go though. Currently trying to practice ERP on my own and not working out.
ANXIETY- I have days where my anxiety is really reduced and I see the thoughts as "unlikely" but nonetheless I am not reassured 100%. During these days, I feel hopeful. Then I have days like today where I feel that the amount of anxiety I feel will kill me. It is SO SO SO PAINFUL to endure such anxiety. I have felt my whole chest burning today. A couple of days ago my hands and forearms went completely numb and tingly and I struggled to breathe. I read online that this was due to hyperventilating.
MEDICATION- I am currently taking Fluvoxamine(Luvox). It has been a week. I do not see any improvement but hoping eventually it will work.
LIFESTYLE CHANGES- I recently got a part time job, have made attempts to see more family and friends, go shopping etc...I have even done a few things for my wedding planning... However, it is SUCH a struggle because my anxiety has gotten SO PHYSICAL that I have had to cancel commitments a few times because of it. I feel pretty disabled to be honest.
PRIOR TO ALL THIS-- 4 and a half months ago feels like another life to me... I was so genuinely happy...I was getting married in a few months (I had to postpone the wedding due to my ocd getting so bad), was graduating grad school in May (had to withdraw for now), had a job lined up for me (did not take the job and got a part time job instead), and felt just so mentally stable.....Despite having had ocd for 10 years, this is the FIRST TIME that I have it this severe & the first time that my ocd is focused so intensely on my health and fear of dying...Besides this, I am also terrified that I will not be able to overcome this anxiety. I can't believe I am actually going through this, it feels so surreal and like the worst nightmare ever.
ANY MEDICATION THAT WILL WORK FOR THE INTENSE ANXIETY THAT ISN'T ADDICTIVE? I ALMOST FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE SEMI SEDATED TO FUNCTION IN SOCIETY. Anyone else feel so terrified that they feel disabled? What helps? What else do I need to do???? :weep: Thanks for reading!