Living with someone who has GAD

[HarvestMoon]

My partner has Been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). She's pretty much had this since I met her over 7 years ago. As time has gone on it seems to have got worse and worse. She worries pretty much over every single aspect of her life. This is now driving me crazy. No, this is making me frustrated and angry. I don't worry about stuff, or didn't, but now find myself getting stressed because I have to anticipate her every thought. The slightest thing...tonight apparently we don't have enough toothpaste in the house. We might run out. Really?

I don't have a life of my own because I have to see to her every need. And it is always, and I mean always, my fault that something is missing or breaks or just happens to go wrong. It's like she expects me to control every aspect of her life because she can't (no one can) and when I fail, which is inevitable, it's my fault.

All this is seriously messing with my mind because she is anxious and I have to understand that and if I don't, if I have needs of my own, well that's just selfish.

As I type this I feel an essay coming on. Best to leave it and go to bed. Sleep, the only place where I am free.

[debs71]

It is very hard for nearest and dearest to cope with, and understand someone with GAD, or any mental disorder.

Constant worrying is a classic GAD thing. I mean the name speaks for itself - ANXIETY disorder. I think that it is very hard for anyone who hasn't experienced that kind of off the scale, irrational type of worry to wrap their heads around why the person is worried about stuff that, to them, is no big deal, like the toothpaste thing.

To be honest, it IS irrational when you think of it being a worry about toothpaste, but it is important to grasp that toothpaste is really not the issue....it is just that her high anxiety is driving her to worry about anything and everything, even trivial stuff like toothpaste! It could be anything she latches onto with that anxiety, it just happens to be toothpaste.

I feel for you, I really do. It is tough when you are, or you feel responsible for someone who has a mental health condition, just like anyone who is the carer in the partnership. You have to at some point also care for YOURSELF, and this will be something that your partner - as anxious as she may be - will need to understand.

Is she receiving any help for her GAD? If not, I suspect that she really needs to, both for herself and you, and the sake of your relationship.

[Chocolateface]

Yes I agree you need to look after yourself. It also sounds like you have lived like this for so long that it seems normal living for your partner to rely on you for everything.

[dally]

You are already resenting the effect your partner has on you, and in my opinion this will always be so detrimental or destructive to your relationship. You have to discuss how her illness is affecting you and your relationship and encourage her to seek further help in overcoming her anxiety thought processes.
Or
You need to find ways of gently reminding her that some issues are NOT anxiety provoking (toothpaste) and if you do this enough, she may begin to realise when her anxious thoughts are inappropriate and stop commenting to you

[HarvestMoon]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.

She does see a Psychiatrist about her condition but only every six months. He prescribes Diazepam and Buspirone, of which she takes a minimal dose, and suggests a course of CBT, which she resists. She doesn't believe in Counsellors and the like.

For me, writing this on this forum has made me stand back and think. We are both spiralling along, repeating the same behavioural patterns and now that spiral seems to be going downward. There are some mitigating circumstances it's true, but life is always going to throw some bad stuff your way from time to time. We have to deal with it. Except she doesn't. Her anxiety means everything seems to be a thousand times worse than it is and there are multiple outcomes to every situation, 99.9% of which were never going to happen anyway.

I understand what anxiety is and I sympathise but I don't feel it. What I feel is stress from me having to anticipate her moods and moves, from having to pick my words carefully, from having to justify everything I say and do. Walking on eggshells.

I might be on the wrong forum, perhaps I need to find a carers forum? I appreciate that living with anxiety is debilitating but so is living with someone who has it. Although I suppose you might say to me "Well, you can walk away from it. She can't", and you'd be right but it's never that simple eh? Anyway, thanks for listening.

[Shazamataz]

Hi Harvest,

It sounds really hard for you. And for her as well.

I think you need to push her a bit as you can't go on like this and it sounds like you are enabling her to remain anxious and not make any attempts to recover. That sounds harsh but it seems like what is happening from what you have written.

We all get into habits and they become ingrained. Every time you avoid speaking the truth, every time you do what she needs she isn't helping herself and isn't having to push herself out of her comfort zone to overcome her fears.

I'me in a bad way myself at the moment and when I was this bad over Xmas I had a lot of support but this time I'm alone with it as people have their own things to deal with. I am hoping that by having to push through I will recover properly as I have no choice but to manage mostly on my own.

Hope this helps?

[debs71]

I might be on the wrong forum, perhaps I need to find a carers forum? I appreciate that living with anxiety is debilitating but so is living with someone who has it. Although I suppose you might say to me "Well, you can walk away from it. She can't", and you'd be right but it's never that simple eh? Anyway, thanks for listening.

Nope, you're right. It isn't that simple at all, Harvest.

For the record, I think you are on the right forum. I am a GAD sufferer myself, but I TOTALLY get where you are coming from here, and I totally understand your frustration and feeling of being the punching bag when your partner is anxious. Nobody needs that.

My parents have been through the ringer with me. They have been unbelievably supportive, but have also got frustrated and raised their voices when I am being totally irrational and defensive (mental health problems can make us VERY defensive about everything) It is so hard for those closest to us.

I hope you weren't offended by my first post when it comes to the 'anxiety is hard to understand' thing. I didn't mean that to come across as an accusation, I just meant that it is really difficult for those without anxiety to handle someone with it, and I totally sympathise.

It sounds a lot to me like your partner is not being very proactive when it comes to getting HERSELF better. She has to WANT to do this. A lot of the battle with anxiety is having to steel yourself and WORK at it. Meds and therapy can only do so much, and it sounds like she isn't making much effort as far as they go either. A psych every 6 months is next to useless. Popping a tablet every now and then is also useless. Anxiety will not be got on top of - or at least managed - without some regular treatment and/or PROPER therapy. If your partner is digging her heels in, she won't get anywhere with the anxiety.

I know it is not a simple thing, but as said already,you maybe have to evaluate how much you are getting from the relationship as it stands right now. Relationships should be 50/50. Give and take. Yes, she may be unwell, but your quality of life sounds like it is suffering. Self-protection is not unreasonable.

I think the question is, is she willing to meet you halfway here, and try to face her anxiety, and not refuse stuf like counseling, or try to get on a pathway to tackling the anxiety? If not, it sounds harsh, but a discussion about where you stand here may be needed, as it is unfair on you.

[HalfJack]

I'm actually in a similar position, my partner had a major break down about a year into the relationship. He's better now but still recovering and I still feel a lot of preassure. When he was at his worst (in 2014) my life was a nightmare.

My advice would be:
You can't expect an irrational person to be rational and you DON'T have to anticipate her every thought. That's not doing either of you any good. I did it too, hard not to right?

Eggshells will need to be walked on to some degree but you can't pretend she's being reasonable, this isn't realistic and it's validating her irrationality. I'm not saying argue or even confront her but yeah, it's something to work on, maybe.

I could have left, of course some people wanted me to, but I chose not to. But by choosing to stay I had to accept it for what it was and try not to be mad at him for handling it so badly and just focus on getting him better, and of course getting the relationship back to something good.

Has she bought any books on mindfulness or CBT? I'm not into therapists either but therapy is something I'm more than willing to try, so I buy books and do it myself. Maybe she's the same?

So yeah I've been through something very similar. I worked out what I needed to do and worked up to it slowly. If you need a rant or anything feel free to message me.

[HarvestMoon]

Wow. I'm overwhelmed with all of your feedback. It just shows that a little kindness can go a long way.

And your words have given me food for thought. Clearly I need to think about how I can change or influence things. I'm thinking that perhaps I need to try to motivate her to want to change. She seems stuck in a rut and not want to do anything about it. At least she acknowledges her anxiety and says she doesn't want to live like this so the logical thing to do is...

I also probably need to rediscover my caring compassionate nature which has been in short supply lately!

Debs, I wasn't at all offended by anything that you said. In fact it's very insightful to hear from someone who has GAD and is able to rationalise its effect on their self. I think that insight means you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. Several nails! How long have you had GAD and how long before you did something about it? And how is it now? How are you? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I don't mean to pry I'm just curious.

Anyways, take care all.

[pulisa]

It's very difficult to maintain a caring compassionate nature when you are dealing 24/7 with someone who has GAD. I speak as a carer for my daughter who is a sufferer and for myself who also has it but keeps it under wraps through necessity (mostly!)

[debs71]

Debs, I wasn't at all offended by anything that you said. In fact it's very insightful to hear from someone who has GAD and is able to rationalise its effect on their self. I think that insight means you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. Several nails! How long have you had GAD and how long before you did something about it? And how is it now? How are you? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I don't mean to pry I'm just curious.

Pry away, Harvest! I am more than happy to share as I hope it helps others.

I was diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder in 2003, after weeks of suffering from depression. I started having bad anxiety and panic attacks every time I was able to get myself out of bed. Were it just the depression, I doubt I would have sought out treatment, but it was the anxiety that got me to my GP, as it scared the bejesus out of me!

I would say that within a couple of days of having the anxiety and panic, I saw my GP who prescribed Escitalopram, which is a drug which treats both depression and anxiety/panic. I was also referred for one to one counselling through the mental health charity, MIND. I had that for 18 weeks. Like your partner, I was adamant that I would NOT have counselling, but my GP said she would not prescribe meds unless I agreed to therapy. At the time I was livid, but in retrospect I think she did the right thing for me. The counselling helped me enormously.

Nowadays, I am pretty much stable, but I haven't conquered any of my mental health issues entirely. I still periodically have bouts of depression, and I have moments of anxiety which creep back, especially if I am under any stress or worry. Being physically ill triggers my anxiety these days, for some reason. I get in a right tizz about it.

Your partner can definitely get back to a more comfortable place than she is now, that I am sure of. I always say that I would never say to any anxiety/mental health sufferer that they will be miraculously cured, as I think that is a long shot, but it is certainly possible to MANAGE anxiety, and live a relatively stable, normal life.

To illustrate this - and this will sound nuts - but at my very worst, I was fixated and anxious about the most ridiculous things: 'Oh God, I'm swallowing too much, I'm ill because I am a bad person and being punished, I'm going to go out of control and hurt the people I love'.....and the list goes on. At one point, I even thought I could see faces in the wallpaper....YES, REALLY. (I feel stupid just sharing that, lol) Now when I look back about just how severely anxious I was, it seems so irrational, but when you are in the grip of it, it is terrifying.

I really think that your partner needs to seek some help, but that is something that she has to want to do, for herself, but as well as for you. x

[pulisa]

I think it's really a very positive thing that you are so dedicated to her, HarvestMoon, despite you saying that there's often no peace from the anxiety onslaught. She's very lucky to have you but you have a life as well and that's why she needs to get some professional help-for the benefit of both of you.

[Fishmanpa]

I think it's really a very positive thing that you are so dedicated to her, HarvestMoon, despite you saying that there's often no peace from the anxiety onslaught. She's very lucky to have you but you have a life as well and that's why she needs to get some professional help-for the benefit of both of you.

I agree. Having been in a marriage with someone who was severely depressed, the toll it took on me as well as the marriage was immense and caused it to end. I agree that therapy for both of you is advised.

Positive thoughts

[pulisa]

It helps so much to have an agreed plan of attack re anxiety ie cutting the reassurance cycle which can be so destructive. If you both work with the therapist it can lighten your load and make things seem more manageable and also you will feel that you have a professional on your "side" to consult with when things get tough (which they will to begin with).

There's usually a long wait for therapy on the NHS which is frustrating but inevitable with the amount of referrals now happening. Private therapy may be an option but it can be expensive.

[HarvestMoon]

It's very difficult to maintain a caring compassionate nature when you are dealing 24/7 with someone who has GAD.

I have found it very comforting to hear from those suffering and those affected second hand (and also suffering albeit differently). It's also good to hear some positive words as all I seem to hear at home is negativity.

Having opened up, a bit, myself here it is clear to me how much this has affected me over time. I am mentally exhausted. Worn out and worn down. So much of my time has been spent looking after someone else that there has been very little time left for me. It's like "My God, where has my life gone?"

I'm not going to rush into anything though , first of all I'll reflect, listen and learn.

So many people suffering with anxiety, it's like there's an epidemic! But a hidden one.

Be careful out there.

[pulisa]

A lot of people with anxiety become very self-centred and this can be frustrating for the people closest to them. It can be exhausting when you're on the receiving end and maybe now is the time for you to talk to her regarding getting help as your quality of life is really suffering and she may not realise this? Treading on eggshells puts huge pressure on you and things could be much easier with the right support.

[misslove]

I have had anxiety issues for the past 8 years. My husband used to be so impatient with my anxiety and fears of being on public. He also used to be an alcoholic. I dealt with his drinking and he dealt with my anxiety. Fast forward to now and my anxiety is much better and I'm getting to the point where I can face my fears. I still rely heavily on my husband for support when it's just to hard for me and his encouragement has helped. For example, my daughter had an appt with a specialist and the hospital had me shaking and in tears. I was sweating and shaking like a leaf. He did not stand beside me and drag me in. He was in front of me blazing a path for me to walk. I did it on my own and he lead me. It took him a long time to see how hard it was for me and when he finally saw that everything got better. My point is if you love this girl and want it to work you need to lead without dragging her. Make her a dr appt and get her to go. Tell her you want to help her and be there for her without making do it. It has to be her choice, you just have to make it safe if that makes any sense. Anxiety is hard to live with, and it's even harder when your constantly disappointing your loved ones. She has an illness and needs help not for the benefit of you but for her own well being. Hope I could help a little.

[pulisa]

I agree but it should be for the benefit of both of you in the relationship