British expat in the EU, panic every day post Brexit

[~Unknown]

Hi everyone, this isn't really my first post but I lost access to my old account so here's a new one! This is an issue nobody can help with, I know that, but I just need to vent and maybe find tips on how to cope when everything crashes around you and you can't stop it.

I was diagnosed with GAD when I was 18 (nearly 10 years ago), I am on 20mg Citalopram. This makes me a "worrier" who apparently obsesses too much over the worst case scenario, but this time I was obsessed over something I really feared happening and it actually did happen.

I moved to Denmark because I have a Danish boyfriend, we have been together over 7 years and I have lived here for over five. Before I moved to Denmark I was a new graduate in the peak of the recession where nobody wanted to hire us with little professional experience, entry level jobs demanded years of experience and it really stung. I had to go on jobseekers and that made me feel like scum, and I felt there was a "you're a benefit leach unless proven otherwise" treatment. I moved to Denmark and have been doing so much better here, I earn money, I have a social life, I have my long term relationship. It's been over five years and this is where I have spent most of my adult life, and I have changed a lot as a person over these years. I've become more confident, more social, stronger, it's been so much better for me here.

Post-Brexit, every single day I see us expats being used as bargaining chips, and threats that we're going to end up all being deported. And all this is going to last at least two years, two years of having no idea what will happen to my future and having no control over it. It's become an intrusive thought, I am going to lose everything and be sent back to the UK, back to square one of my life. Honestly, while I visit my family every few months, I would feel like a foreigner if I lived there now. I don't believe my relationship could survive that either, long distance *with no end in sight* is where it fails. I don't want to be a bargaining chip, I don't want to be a guinea pig for what happens if the country I had no say in being born into decides to make a drastic decision. I just want to be where I have set up a life and home. But it takes 9 years of living here to apply for citizenship, I've been here 5.

Denmark's immigration laws are incredibly difficult for non EU/EEA citizens. Even if my boyfriend and I got married it wouldn't change a lot, people married to Danish citizens can and do get deported. Children have been deported without their parents back to the other side of the planet, so why should I be safe?

If I can't stay here I have literally nothing left except my family. I will lose everything and it'll be like being 16 again, but with fewer prospects and more judgement. I think about it all the time and it makes me feel cold, faint, and nauseous. People also think they are being funny making jokes about "oooh you're not in the EU anymore you have to go home!" not realising how serious this is for me, I try to smile and shrug it off but it hurts. The UK isn't my home anymore. I cry about it often, I feel this horrible lump in my throat even just typing this. I see people online saying that us expats deserve to be suffering because we are traitors, because falling for someone from another country is so evil of course. Some people would rather have us deported than allow freedom of movement in the UK, and I am honestly scared they are the majority. I'm scared of all the racism towards EU citizens in the UK that's appearing in the news too, it disgusts me.

Also the talk of economic problems in the UK makes me fear for my family, if they lost their jobs it'd be devastating.

How do people survive when everything is going to hell and you can't stop it? I am scared I can't live like this for 2+ years and maybe more if there's no negotiations to help us, and I am seriously scared I will end up in a mental institution if this gets worse. People tell me I am overreacting but I see the threats and "jokes" about being deported every single day, how can I not be scared? If I lose my life here I have nothing to live for except my family. My area of work is useless in the UK because I work in Danish tourism, it'd be benefits for the foreseeable future as I doubt I could even physically skip off to a shift at McDonalds after losing everything. Everything just feels bleak and hopeless. I don't like to talk too much to my boyfriend about it, he starts off "you're not getting deported" but ends up panicking as well because he says I seem so certain that it'll happen that he feels I must know more than he does. It's been less than two weeks and I am already struggling, I'm trying to be strong for those around me but I am so scared and I don't know how long I can cope.

[Noivous]

Hi - I think you're getting WAY ahead of yourself on this. Believe me there are thousands if not millions of people in very similar situations. Right now the media is doing no more than trying to frighten everyone. They have an agenda. I read that countries right now are trying to figure everything out so they won't lose expatriates simply because it will effect their own economies. So don't buy into all the drivel being spewed out from the press. Just go about your day. You may find in the end you and your bf will be far better off or at least nothing has changed.

And as for having no control on the future...well we never have that. Or in reality very little control on it anyway. It's called life.

N.

[~Unknown]

Hi - I think you're getting WAY ahead of yourself on this. Believe me there are thousands if not millions of people in very similar situations. Right now the media is doing no more than trying to frighten everyone. They have an agenda. I read that countries right now are trying to figure everything out so they won't lose expatriates simply because it will effect their own economies. So don't buy into all the drivel being spewed out from the press. Just go about your day. You may find in the end you and your bf will be far better off or at least nothing has changed.

And as for having no control on the future...well we never have that. Or in reality very little control on it anyway. It's called life.

N.

Thanks for responding. This is how I feel when I am not panicking, it's definitely the media that's doing this to me, that and the uncertainty/vaugeness. Anxiety is so much fun. I just wish this referendum was delayed until we knew what to expect if we left at least. I hoped it'd stop after the 23rd of June but it's just gotten worse. The problem is that even if I avoid the news, every time someone hears I'm from England (my accent generally gives it away!) they mention Brexit, I usually try to brush it off but since I really wish I didn't have to hear about it all the time.

[Chocolateface]

Firstly I am happy that you managed to find love and home in Denmark I would love to visit there, secondly just because you couldn't get a job after graduating did not mean you were benefits scum, the benefits system exists to help those who need it, you needed it so were entitled to use it.

Now onto Brexit, I posted about it as it sent my anxiety sky high, I work in the finance industry and am the wrong side of 40, and immediately after the result I became convinced that I would lose my job, house etc so I totally get why you are upset. Remember though things in Britain will take time to sort out at the moment we can't even get a Prime Minister, so once we do then we have to take the time to exit with a good outcome which could take two years. I doubt you would get deported straight away and could appeal any decision remember you would have been in Denmard 7 years by this point. You could also apply for a work visa to be able to stay there working which could get you over the 9 years then start applying for citizenship.

Don't read the press at the moment as they are just hyping everything for a story.

Hope you feel better

[~Unknown]

Firstly I am happy that you managed to find love and home in Denmark I would love to visit there, secondly just because you couldn't get a job after graduating did not mean you were benefits scum, the benefits system exists to help those who need it, you needed it so were entitled to use it.

Now onto Brexit, I posted about it as it sent my anxiety sky high, I work in the finance industry and am the wrong side of 40, and immediately after the result I became convinced that I would lose my job, house etc so I totally get why you are upset. Remember though things in Britain will take time to sort out at the moment we can't even get a Prime Minister, so once we do then we have to take the time to exit with a good outcome which could take two years. I doubt you would get deported straight away and could appeal any decision remember you would have been in Denmard 7 years by this point. You could also apply for a work visa to be able to stay there working which could get you over the 9 years then start applying for citizenship.

Don't read the press at the moment as they are just hyping everything for a story.

Hope you feel better

It was more the attitude at the Job Centre and the media (yeah the media is my best friend) making me feel like benefit scum. I was being told off for not applying to enough jobs when there weren't any more available that I was qualified for. I was told to "give it a try" with jobs I wasn't qualified for, only to be told off the following time I met there for doing exactly what I was told. And being sent to several different "CV advice" meetings that I felt I gained nothing from was a huge waste of time, they just wanted to show they were doing something with me. I felt so ashamed of being on jobseekers, and seeing people around spout off about how people on benefits are lazy and should just "get jobs" when even basic retail positions had an abundance of choice in applicants, that when I knew I was moving to Denmark I signed off about a month before I needed to and scraped by so that I didn't have to go to that horrible place again. I felt so relieved, now I am scared I'll be back in that situation but worse.

I'm trying to avoid the media, problem is when people go "Oh you're English? What do you think about all that Brexit stuff going on?" or start making stupid jokes not realising how hard they hit me. When I think a lot about all I have in Denmark I feel sad, like it's something I love that's slipping away and I can't stop it. Danish immigration laws are so strict if you are not an EU/EEA citizen and it's not like I am an engineer (even then, there's been a problem of people being granted Green Card residence here because of their high skilled professions only to end up resorting to delivering newspapers or driving cabs).

I just don't trust the UK right now to not decide that deporting immigrants isn't worth having us all deported too.

I really hope your job situation will be ok, I'd probably have reacted just like you did in your shoes.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think you should forget the news of racism in the UK. Racism existed long before Brexit so it's just that the idiots we already have are playing up. There have been just as many issues with left wing action over Corbyn. It suits Remain to push the racism angle.

Whilst we have 2 years to trigger Article 50, politicians have been saying it will take longer to change it all. It's 2 years to officially declare leaving the EU, that's all.

And forget the idiots moaning about ex pats, they are idiots. British people have been going where the work is for many decades.

You fall for who you want, who cares where your BF is from? Only idiots would have a problem with it and these are just the gobs online, they don't reflect the majority of people over here.

Leave wasn't about stopping people coming to the UK. It did include immigration because of our benefits system luring people here that don't intend to work. Even out of the EU, that won't change. It just means people want a system where you come here to benefit the nation, like other countries have rather than an automatic right to turn up.

I also think when it comes to your status, it's not the UK that matters, it's what the EU want to do. Some countries rely on British ex pats for their economy e.g. Spain. I can't see that changing.

Also the EU elite have been pathetic over their 'get out now then' small mindedness but Merkel is pulling them back in line. And so are big business who don't want to see the UK penalised because it would hammer the German economy too.

I can understand your fears though. It must feel so unknown but please be careful with the media and the angles being pushed. Britain didn't changed on voting day.

Benefits scum was a term applied to those who consciously decided not to work and live off others. You weren't doing that. But there are people who would label others that way when though you had worked 40 years solid before something happening to lose your job and you needing some help until you are back on your feet. Chalk that up to the idiots again. But I know what you mean because I've had to claim in between jobs over the years and it does make you feel like a failure. That's always been a social connotation of claiming. But how about looking at this way? You care because you have a strong work ethic. Those who claim instead of trying to work don't care about it because they feel they are entitled.

The Jobcentre aren't interested , we are just numbers to them and they have targets from above to push everyone. They will get you to apply for anything to get you off the books. That's always been the system, it's just now they are forceful about it. They have told people I know to apply for jobs requiring so much travel they couldn't afford to live after the costs because the jobs are so far away or the traveling times would be very unreasonable.

[~Unknown]

Also the EU elite have been pathetic over their 'get out now then' small mindedness but Merkel is pulling them back in line. And so are big business who don't want to see the UK penalised because it would hammer the German economy too.


I remember panicking a lot over this, it's so cruel, they might be angry at the UK but to try and demand the UK leaves before having any idea what will happen to us is straight up unfair. This is why I feel both sides are kind of against me (and the other expats). Denmark apparently has a lot of trade with the UK, so we'll see, I just wish it wasn't so vague as it's making me feel very bitter and anxious. I know the Job Centres in the UK don't give a damn about us, thinking of having to sign on again at that useless place for probably a very long time is an extra sting when I imagine being deported. I earn money here, I am so much better here.

The problem with "benefiting the nation" when it comes to immigration is that it often comes with very high standards. I'm not a doctor or an engineer, I still want to be able to be with my boyfriend. Here foreigners cannot get unemployment benefits even if they are from the EU, and for permanent residence (not citizenship of course) you have to show you either have/are earning enough money to support yourself or you are being sponsored by someone who can afford to support you. I think it's a reasonably fair way to control immigration without closing it off too much. Still, it's not up to me, I have no control.

I feel this is the only place I can discuss how I feel without being told I am overreacting, because maybe I am overreacting, but anxiety isn't always rational and the scaremongering is hard to block. I'm aware that I probably sound crazy but everything is freaking me out, I am supposed to book tickets to London to see my family but when I try my throat feels tight and I feel scared that if I go to the UK I will somehow be denied entry back to Denmark...which is stupid because I know that is not the case, we have a few years before anything actually happens. I'm scared of encountering idiots too who will just make me more upset, and I'm scared that Brexit news will be even more in my face (since the media is the worst part of this right now for me). I miss my family though.

[Noivous]

Funny thing about the MSM (main stream media) they want to talk about racists that don't exist. And yet they don't want to talk about rapists that do exist. Maybe they just have their P's and their C's mixed up? No actually on second thought they have their PC right where they want it.:D

[MyNameIsTerry]

Remember that those playing that 'get out now' game are the council, they don't reflect the views of even their own countries a lot of the time, another reason we wanted out.

Drunker is due to be axed, and he appears to be an alcoholic, and Hollande has >80% of the French saying they don't want him back in their 2017 elections. So, two of them are going anyway. This type of attitude is what we have been seeing and asking ourselves whether we want to be with such arrogant people, but that's just a few politicians that have got too big for their boots, it's not the countries or the people. The irony is, if the EU hadn't morphed into what it is now, we probably wouldn't have bothered with a referendum and the chances of remaining would have been far higher in my opinion.

Yes, very true high standards tend to be the way. But the problem is that if some countries offer greater benefits than others, they will be more enticing to those from poorer nations looking to better their lives. At some point, such countries cannot cope anymore. Whilst people may even be working here, the NHS is suffering for the extra business. And with the UK being so open, the EU wouldn't let us limit things enough. Doing something closer to what your new country does is sensible, it would help us, but the NHS would still be attractive. The alternative is the country goes down the pan as we end up with so many debts from all this, we can't look after the place. The PM asked for help, the EU arrogantly said no 'the rules are the rules' but haven't countries like Germany even slowed down their immigration?

Discuss everything you need to on here, this is a friendly forum and we all understand how anything can be very triggering. You certainly won't be alone either, there are others on here who are from the UK but in other EU countries and some members who have moved to the UK from them. I'm kind of surprised we haven't seen more of them worrying but that may come?

So, no, you certainly don't sound crazy to any of us. My anxiety got so bad I was in a state just eating, washing or brushing my teeth. Even the simplest of things can become terrifying with these irrational disorders.

I can't lie, Brexit news is the big thing here right now. That and the party problems over leadership which has whipped some of it up even more. So, you may want to block out this type of news so it doesn't overshadow your trip. But I doubt you will be running into idiots. London was largely in favour of Remain anyway so if anything, it will be the other way with people talking about how happy they are in the EU.

I'm in the West Midlands, the area most wanting to leave, but since the vote I've barely heard a conversation about Brexit. We normal people are too busy working, paying bills and getting on with our lives. And as another member on here pointed out, many of us are struggling with day-to-day issues so politics isn't even on the radar. The discussions seem more online on the news articles and I'm sure any political forums will be raging, but other than a couple of threads on here, no one is discussing Brexit so you are free to move around the site for help without coming across triggers.

[Noivous]

I just heard on the radio that 1200 women were sexually assaulted in Germany by 2000 middle east "refugees" on New Year's Eve. Why would any leader of a country want to actively import a group of individuals who want to attack rape and kill his or HER own citizens? Liberalism truly is a mental disorder. Merkel should be tried for promoting crimes against her own country.

N.

[~Unknown]

Today I'm really not feeling good, I feel sick, and like I have no home. I don't belong in the UK and I can't secure my stay in Denmark, I can't go on like this for years, and once again I had Brexit jokes around me yesterday. I feel I can't shut them down as the other British people don't seem as bothered as I am and I don't want to make a scene. I'm really scared I'm losing my mind, I seriously scared I am going crazy.

And I can't get therapy, it's too expensive for me to keep paying for it, as a foreigner I can (for now at least) use the national healthcare but mental health options aren't so great.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Can you do Skype therapy? Many therapists these days work remotely or offer such facilities to be more flexible.