Dating someone with GAD who's scared he might hurt me

[StarDusts]

I was browsing thru the net, and I found this website and thought that I might get some adivce. I'm 21 years old and I've been dating a martial artist with GAD for nearly 7 months. He's my first boyfriend. Aside from all the people I dated online (which weren't particularly serious). He's very kind to me and is very affectionate so it wasn't so hard to be selfless, even though at times I had to be his emotional punching bag. Especially...when he's stressed. Sometimes, even his anxieties make my insecurities worse...he tells me stuff like "this girl jokingly asked me if I wanted a blow job. I didn't let her right? You didn't leave me right?"

I understand that it isn't his fault so I try to be as calm as possible. I tell him I haven't left him, and I hold off my tendency to overthink. We're generally a very loving couple, and hope to make things work out and maybe eventually get married. But lately, it's been getting worse. He's been asking me if I was the devil and if God wanted him to kill me. He's been thinking things like...maybe I was the one who caused his anxieties. And that his suffering would probably end if I die. Granted, he doesn't seem to want to hurt me. He seems very afraid to do it. He would cry, shake and ask me if he had hurt me, if this was still reality and if I really am not the devil. I try my best to reasearch, reflect and predict future concerns so that I have a well thought out answer when the time comes. However, despite my efforts, it seems to not be working. He says I've been helping but he has broken down more frequently as of late. And wether or not I have an answer for his fear, it always seems to lead to me being the devil. He apologizes. Tells me it isn't my fault. Sometimes he has a grip on reality but for a few seconds he gets confused and he panics, afraid that he already hurt me and I'm just an illusion he created to cope with the loss. He told me this is the worst his anxieties have gotten.

I've been fairly exhausted and I have no one to turn to. I feel so alone. I can't bother him with my worries, fearing that it will trigger his anxieties further and I can't turn to my friends (trust me, I've tried). People seem to fail to understand exactly what I'm dealing with. I just need someone to comfort me or maybe guide me. Should I even think about marrying him? I really love him and I try to be strong. But I'm not exactly sure if I'm capable of always shutting down my own feelings just to put his concerns before mine. I understand, it's not his fault...he's mentally ill and I'm not. I'm supposed to be the stable one, but when he starts blaming me or getting mad at me for my own feelings like how I feel powerless or useless when he gets attacks. Or when I miss him early in the morning and text him...I dunno...I don't love him less. But it has been getting harder and harder to deal with my feelings on my own. He apologizes a lot. Rather, they've been getting frequent. But I just wish I could burst out in tears and not hold back, tell him everything I feel. I don't plan to though. His anxieties are bad enough. I shouldn't be a burden.

Please comment. It might at least make me feel like someone cares or understands.

[Fishmanpa]

With total respect to your feelings, this just doesn't sound healthy (or safe) at all. Having been in a marriage with someone with severe depression, I understand what it's like to love someone struggling with mental illness. The toll it took on me was too much to bear. You don't mention if he's in therapy or on meds so I hope he's getting professional help for what appears by all means to be a rather serious situation based on your post.

I would think long and hard about whether your mental and physical well being is worth the risk.

Positive thoughts

[Oosh]

"He's been asking me if I was the devil and if God wanted him to kill me. He's been thinking things like...maybe I was the one who caused his anxieties. And that his suffering would probably end if I die."

I'm not keen on that bit :)
Does he seem like he believes that even for a second ?
Because if he isn't absolutely certain that's not true it might be a little bit too much for you to be dealing with on your own.

I completely understand you having feelings for him but it's not worth dealing with a situation on your own when you aren't completely sure if your partner 100% understands reality and aren't completely convinced he wouldn't act on that uncertainty and hurt you.

I wouldn't want to be hearing those comments from any partner of mine unless they were a joke. If I wasn't 100% sure they understood their reality id be worried.

If he isn't under close supervision by his doctor or whoever I'd strongly encourage him to be. You need help dealing with that, he does too.
A doctor would probably show concern about the above comments too and might want to explore it further.

It's not really worth taking chances if you're not sure and are dealing with it completely on your own is it ?

Tell him you want closer supervision by his doc or whatever. Both see your doc together and make sure they understand how things have become.

He doesn't need to worry like that and neither do you.

Play it safe and bring a health professional into it.

If he won't be more closely supervised by a health professional maybe think bout telling him it's too much for you then and that you're going to step back and take a break.

To let that situation continue just doesn't seem like it would do anybody any good.

[StarDusts]

With total respect to your feelings, this just doesn't sound healthy (or safe) at all. Having been in a marriage with someone with severe depression, I understand what it's like to love someone struggling with mental illness. The toll it took on me was too much to bear. You don't mention if he's in therapy or on meds so I hope he's getting professional help for what appears by all means to be a rather serious situation based on your post.

I would think long and hard about whether your mental and physical well being is worth the risk.

Positive thoughts

Actually, just today he told his father and will be getting professional help. He doesn't get regular therapy but gets it everytime his family feels that he needs it. I live in a pretty conservative, developing country. Not that many people understand that anxiety is a serious problem. Even his mom can be quite insensitive about it. Does therapy really help that much? I could advise him to tell his parents about it.

---------- Post added at 01:14 ---------- Previous post was at 01:11 ----------


"He's been asking me if I was the devil and if God wanted him to kill me. He's been thinking things like...maybe I was the one who caused his anxieties. And that his suffering would probably end if I die."

I'm not keen on that bit :)
Does he seem like he believes that even for a second ?
Because if he isn't absolutely certain that's not true it might be a little bit too much for you to be dealing with on your own.

I completely understand you having feelings for him but it's not worth dealing with a situation on your own when you aren't completely sure if your partner 100% understands reality and aren't completely convinced he wouldn't act on that uncertainty and hurt you.

I wouldn't want to be hearing those comments from any partner of mine unless they were a joke. If I wasn't 100% sure they understood their reality id be worried.

If he isn't under close supervision by his doctor or whoever I'd strongly encourage him to be. You need help dealing with that, he does too.
A doctor would probably show concern about the above comments too and might want to explore it further.

It's not really worth taking chances if you're not sure and are dealing with it completely on your own is it ?

Tell him you want closer supervision by his doc or whatever. Both see your doc together and make sure they understand how things have become.

He doesn't need to worry like that and neither do you.

Play it safe and bring a health professional into it.

If he won't be more closely supervised by a health professional maybe think bout telling him it's too much for you then and that you're going to step back and take a break.

To let that situation continue just doesn't seem like it would do anybody any good.

I personally don't think he actually believes it. But he tells me there are times he doesn't know what's real anymore. I try to reassure him. Sometimes it works, but its effectivity has been lessening. I actually don't think he'd hurt me. Maybe try to (like reach out for me level, not actually do anything) but I don't want it to get that far because we both know he'd feel a lot worse if it got that far. He talked to his dad and it sounds like he's gonna see a professional soon.

Also, I'm not too sure about taking a step back. Is that really okay? Doesn't he need me now more than ever? I did sugget that maybe if I cut contact with him completely and disappeared for a while, it might make him feel better. But he says he doesn't want that and it won't help cuz' the problem is his anxieties and not me.

He hasn't made any attempt to hurt me at all. As opposed to just crying because he hates the fact that his anxieties are fixated on me.

[Oosh]

Well you're going to see a professional now so you don't need to think about taking a step back. Tell the professional everything and see what he thinks of it all. Be really good if you could go in with him and share your side.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think in terms of long term commitment, that's worth parking for now because you have a major issue here that needs settling down first.

There are some things in here which are more likely paranoia, maybe dissociation. Whilst these can be symptoms of other mental health issues, you can get these with anxiety disorders.

These thoughts he gets about you being responsible and the devil, god wanting you harmed, etc, are these intrusive thoughts? If they are intrusive thoughts then there may be more information we can help with.

Given the religious element and the difficulty with reality, there could be a more serious mental health problem here than GAD. You really do need a psychiatrist/psychologist for this element but given the paranoia with these thoughts it could bring into play something like a Personality Disorder. There are other possibilities too which could be connected to these episodes where he seems to lose touch with reality, such as Dissociative Disorders.

Based on what you have written so far, it's very hard to tell and he sounds quite complex for an anxiety disorder, which doesn't mean it isn't but perhaps he has some more complex elements involved.

He worries about hurting you too, and this is why I wonder whether these are intrusive.

I don't think it's a case of judging at this stage, no one knows enough. And I've heard far far worse than this in terms of OCD, but with it's combination with the dissociative episodes, it makes me wonder whether he is mentally fleeing from the height of the anxiety and the paranoid thoughts need clarifying further.

Does he feel like he is being watched or influenced or perhaps that something bad is being "willed" towards him?