StarDusts
10-07-16, 16:19
I was browsing thru the net, and I found this website and thought that I might get some adivce. I'm 21 years old and I've been dating a martial artist with GAD for nearly 7 months. He's my first boyfriend. Aside from all the people I dated online (which weren't particularly serious). He's very kind to me and is very affectionate so it wasn't so hard to be selfless, even though at times I had to be his emotional punching bag. Especially...when he's stressed. Sometimes, even his anxieties make my insecurities worse...he tells me stuff like "this girl jokingly asked me if I wanted a blow job. I didn't let her right? You didn't leave me right?"
I understand that it isn't his fault so I try to be as calm as possible. I tell him I haven't left him, and I hold off my tendency to overthink. We're generally a very loving couple, and hope to make things work out and maybe eventually get married. But lately, it's been getting worse. He's been asking me if I was the devil and if God wanted him to kill me. He's been thinking things like...maybe I was the one who caused his anxieties. And that his suffering would probably end if I die. Granted, he doesn't seem to want to hurt me. He seems very afraid to do it. He would cry, shake and ask me if he had hurt me, if this was still reality and if I really am not the devil. I try my best to reasearch, reflect and predict future concerns so that I have a well thought out answer when the time comes. However, despite my efforts, it seems to not be working. He says I've been helping but he has broken down more frequently as of late. And wether or not I have an answer for his fear, it always seems to lead to me being the devil. He apologizes. Tells me it isn't my fault. Sometimes he has a grip on reality but for a few seconds he gets confused and he panics, afraid that he already hurt me and I'm just an illusion he created to cope with the loss. He told me this is the worst his anxieties have gotten.
I've been fairly exhausted and I have no one to turn to. I feel so alone. I can't bother him with my worries, fearing that it will trigger his anxieties further and I can't turn to my friends (trust me, I've tried). People seem to fail to understand exactly what I'm dealing with. I just need someone to comfort me or maybe guide me. Should I even think about marrying him? I really love him and I try to be strong. But I'm not exactly sure if I'm capable of always shutting down my own feelings just to put his concerns before mine. I understand, it's not his fault...he's mentally ill and I'm not. I'm supposed to be the stable one, but when he starts blaming me or getting mad at me for my own feelings like how I feel powerless or useless when he gets attacks. Or when I miss him early in the morning and text him...I dunno...I don't love him less. But it has been getting harder and harder to deal with my feelings on my own. He apologizes a lot. Rather, they've been getting frequent. But I just wish I could burst out in tears and not hold back, tell him everything I feel. I don't plan to though. His anxieties are bad enough. I shouldn't be a burden.
Please comment. It might at least make me feel like someone cares or understands.
I understand that it isn't his fault so I try to be as calm as possible. I tell him I haven't left him, and I hold off my tendency to overthink. We're generally a very loving couple, and hope to make things work out and maybe eventually get married. But lately, it's been getting worse. He's been asking me if I was the devil and if God wanted him to kill me. He's been thinking things like...maybe I was the one who caused his anxieties. And that his suffering would probably end if I die. Granted, he doesn't seem to want to hurt me. He seems very afraid to do it. He would cry, shake and ask me if he had hurt me, if this was still reality and if I really am not the devil. I try my best to reasearch, reflect and predict future concerns so that I have a well thought out answer when the time comes. However, despite my efforts, it seems to not be working. He says I've been helping but he has broken down more frequently as of late. And wether or not I have an answer for his fear, it always seems to lead to me being the devil. He apologizes. Tells me it isn't my fault. Sometimes he has a grip on reality but for a few seconds he gets confused and he panics, afraid that he already hurt me and I'm just an illusion he created to cope with the loss. He told me this is the worst his anxieties have gotten.
I've been fairly exhausted and I have no one to turn to. I feel so alone. I can't bother him with my worries, fearing that it will trigger his anxieties further and I can't turn to my friends (trust me, I've tried). People seem to fail to understand exactly what I'm dealing with. I just need someone to comfort me or maybe guide me. Should I even think about marrying him? I really love him and I try to be strong. But I'm not exactly sure if I'm capable of always shutting down my own feelings just to put his concerns before mine. I understand, it's not his fault...he's mentally ill and I'm not. I'm supposed to be the stable one, but when he starts blaming me or getting mad at me for my own feelings like how I feel powerless or useless when he gets attacks. Or when I miss him early in the morning and text him...I dunno...I don't love him less. But it has been getting harder and harder to deal with my feelings on my own. He apologizes a lot. Rather, they've been getting frequent. But I just wish I could burst out in tears and not hold back, tell him everything I feel. I don't plan to though. His anxieties are bad enough. I shouldn't be a burden.
Please comment. It might at least make me feel like someone cares or understands.