elik
12-07-16, 20:22
I have never been more frustrated and lonely in my entire life. This is endless, anxiety is me. I can't get away from it for a second and it's shredding me as a person. I'm permanently scared and unsure, I've never been able to develop my identity because I don't get a chance, I pull myself back to past thoughts and behaviours all the time, consistently beat myself up, feel so strange and worlds apart from everyone else, put up a front 24/7 because I hate my real anxious self and don't need anyone else to judge me on that, I have a very unstable scary looking future, I won't commit to anything because I don't trust myself, I rush to get to the end of the day in the hope that my anxiety will be calmer the next, if I move forward I get dragged back, I'm so weird I don't understand me I am actually scared of myself and my self hatred is unreal. I know everyone will tell me to look for positives but I spend my entire life looking for them for them to them be drowned out by negatives. I feel utterly defeated. I can't keep battling, this all feels so wrong and I try everything to relieve this and I'm just traumatised and damaged and completely alone in my head. I'm ruining a life with many possibilities because I am truly truly over powered by my thinking