Greetings & My Health Anxiety Story

[AdamJLeigh]

Hello group! I am very happy to have come across this page, however wish it was something else we all came here for...

I wanted to take a few minutes to share my story and introduce myself... plus ask for some input about a psychiatrist.

My name is Adam. I am 27 years old, married to a wonderful woman, brand new home owner, proud parent of 2 dogs and 2 cats, and the Executive & Artistic Director of a theatre. Seems like I should be on the top of the world, huh? Everyone tells me this should be the happiest time in my life with all the good stuff that has happened...

Well... it's not. When I was very young (as early as 8 or 9) I developed a very strong anxiety disorder. It actually surfaced from a fear of thunderstorms. I would be in school and see a grey cloud... and immediately ask to be sent to the nurse. I would have a low-grade fever (from getting worked up) and be sent home. This was all because I was extremely afraid I would get stuck at school in a tornado and be killed... Well, for many years I sought counseling and worked through this and a parental divorce.

As I got older, my anxiety turned more toward a health-related anxiety. I can vividly remember sitting in my pediatrics office and after many bouts with a cold, being told that they had seen symptoms like this come up in patients who had leukemia or diabetes... At this point, I did not rest until I was given those tests to prove I didn't have either.

As I aged, symptoms worsened. It has gotten to the point where if I get a pimple that looks funny, I am convinced it is something else. I immediately search on the internet as to what it could be, and what it could be a sign of... I am constantly afraid that I will develop something terminal and die... and that is where the "good life" everyone says I have comes in... I can't enjoy my life because every time someone says that... I immediately think "what is going to go wrong and cause us to be unhappy... It can't always be good".

Well, over the past two months things have gotten progressively worse. I have slumped into a depression state as well... I sometimes feel life for everyone around me who deals with this would be better if I wasn't here... (I don't mean suicide, after all I am scared to die!... I just mean leaving or running away from problems...) I can be driving a car and not thinking about anything and immediately have a panic moment and cry for no reason... It has gotten so this disorder controls my life. And, of course, I am thinking in the back of my mind... "this change in mood must be caused by something else..."

I have also had my share of fun with medications... however, I have recently taken myself off everything. For many years I was on Paxil... and was dead to the world. Paxil made me not care about anything, made me sleep all the time... just wasn't a good fit. I then was put on Zoloft... first 50mg... and then 100mg. I saw some relief from it... but not enough.

All of these meds have been prescribed by a PCP... never a psychiatrist. Well, I am taking that leap and finally seeing a real life PSYCHIATRIST on Friday. It is with great hope that I discover I am not the only one who fights this and that I can beat it... however, I am scared to death about seeing the Psychiatrist... I am not certain how this kind of doctor differs from a councilor or a therapist... I would love some info on past experiences and what your first psychiatrist visit was like.

Well, I am very sorry to take so much time... but this has been very therapeutic. I am here to put my story out there and maybe connect with people who have gone thru or are going through similar things... to help each other know we are not alone... I am sure I wear my wife and mother out with the endless "am I going to be ok?" questions... and they really try hard to understand, but until you go through this debilitating disorder, you don't know how hard it is sometimes to face the world.

With great hope of a new beginning,
Adam

[Florida Gator]

Hi Adam,

Although my story is somewhat different in origin than yours (I am 35 and within the last year developed the HA that I now suffer) it appears we suffer some of the same unfortunate consequences of this affliction.

I too worry about every little ache and pain, blemish, dizziness, fatigue etc. Always think it is somehting worse than just HA. Have had all the tests and all are clear. So it is the HA.

I am also at a point in life where one would think I would be on top of the world. Great job(but very stressful) about to get married to a great girl, and have great friends and family. But at times this HA can be consuming. I am doing my best to enjoy the next few months which include some great trips, my wedding and my honeymoon to Italy. However, the HA is always there to make a great day not so good.

I went to a psychologist for cbt and stopped after feeling better. Have had a bit of a relapse and need to return. I went 1 time to a psychiatrist and actually liked my psychologist better. She was much more into the cbt and less into just prescribing drugs. My pcp had me on lexapro which may have helped but the side effects were no fun at all.

In any event I would find someone skilled in the practice of cbt and begin this technique. Drugs can help for sure, but IMO the cbt will last a lifetime and I think most folks don't want to be on the pills that long.

Please don't hesitate to pm me if you want to discuss.

I know how you feel in terms of family and the burden this places on them. This forum is a great outlet and helps take some of the burden off those closest to you. I also not long ago wrote a little blurb about my HA story. Very beneficial to express in writing how you feel.

Please take care,

Chris

[manmoor]

Hi Adam,

A big warm welcome to you. xx

[Trev]

Hi Adam,

you can turn it all around with the right guidance and work from you.

CBT seems to offer the best results and essentially boils down to changing the way you think about events. Negative thoughts lead to negative emotions which lead to more negative thoughts. Soon you have a spiral of negative thought, emotion and probably action (i.e. avoidance etc). You can see this easily in the example you describe of the thunder clouds.

CBT aims to challenge these negative thoughts using various methods and seeks to replace them with a more realistic thought and hence change the emotional response.

Thought influences feelings influences behaviour which further influences thought which further influences feelings and so on and so on as far inward as you want to go!

A good CBT practitioner will guide you into thinking in a more positive outward way about events.

The event is always the same it's our reaction to the event that dictates our next feeling. The same event happening to 10 people will possibly give 10 different feelings to those people depending what they THINK about it.

You'll be ok but don't expect change overnight. Give it time and don't be too hard on yourself through it.

Cheers,
Trev

[Lissy43]

Welcome :-)

I am so sorry your suffering like this, I can relate to how you feel so much.

I worry about every ache, pain etc... I think I have leaukemia most weeks or something serious, its awful to live with and I don't even trust drs or tests although I run there most weeks, lol.

I am hoping to get some CBT therapy very soon, I am even willing to go private as im pretty desperate because like you I have a wonderful life, everyone tells me how lucky I am and that I should be so happy. I am 27, married to the most caring and supportive man ive ever met, we have 3 gorgeous children, our own home and I want for nothing. Why am I so sad and lonely then? somedays I think id be better off not being on this planet because im not enjoying it and I struggle with every day life because of it, its not fair but like you im scared of dying so would never do anything like that t myself.

I hope you get some support here, post whenever you feel down, this place is great.

[trac67]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum, you will get a lot of good advice here and make some new friends.

Take care

Trac xx

[gabes]

Hi, pleased to meet you. When I read your story I was startled to see myself in your words. I'm a little older than you at 35 but I too have suffered from health anxiety from an early age, probably 7 or 8. I too remember sitting in the doctor’s office every month. Nothing was ever really wrong. In the 1980's I remember picking up a copy of my parents Newsweek, at the height of the AIDS crisis in the US, the cover picture had me convinced for months or longer that I had or was going to get HIV. I didn’t even know what it was. Recently I decided that the amount of mental energy I have expended over the last 25+ years worrying about every little twinge in my body has gone on for far too long. I’m in therapy now, I hope it will help in the long run. One thing that has helped me is this site. I stumbled upon it by accident; it has been a great consolation for me. Best of luck to you.