I thought I was better but I'm not :(

[stk149]

Hi everyone

I joined No More Panic in June last year following a serious battle with health related anxiety. I had went to the doctor and got 10mg Citalopram, then upped to 20mg. I was doing great, though found they made me very unemotional. The things that used to make me teary (even those RSPCA ads) no longer made me emotional in the same way.

Last year, there were a few things going on in my life that I thought was causing my anxiety: my parents marriage ended after 26 years and our family dynamic changed completely, I was going out with a man that has a serious alcohol addiction, I wasn't happy in my job and felt I was going nowhere. Well, I've got used to the idea of my parents no longer being together, I split up with then boyfriend, and I managed to get myself a job in March that I really really love (though it's really stressful some times!). Things were looking up, and one day I just decided I felt I didn't need Citalopram anymore. I stopped suddenly - my doctor had told me they were a milder form of antidepressant and that I shouldn't have issues with withdrawal, but I didn't inform her when I was coming off them - and yes, I know I should have. I felt the best I'd felt in 5 years when I stopped taking them, finally I felt normal.

Fast forward to now (I stopped taking the pills in May) and my anxiety has came flooding back. I've been seeing my ex boyfriend again (the one with the alcohol problem) - were not in a serious relationship but see each other once a week, and I've made it very clear I don't want to see him when he drinks. Since Saturday night I've had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach - I keep thinking about death and its inevitability (I went out drinking with friends on Saturday night). It has been on my mind constantly since the weekend and I can't push the thoughts out of my head at all. I'm not overly religious, but I do pray at night. I keep getting so scared in case there's no afterlife. I know this is a common fear but these thoughts are constant and they are really really scaring me.

On Monday, I felt like I could have burst in to tears, and got very little work done as I was googling "proof heaven is real" and different prayers I could say that would help me. I was never so glad to see my ex boyfriend that evening, I've always thought that I may have some sort of separation anxiety too. When I spend a lot of time with him, I feel anxious after, like something isn't right. I miss my mum living with me, my sister recently moved back to London too and I miss her as well. I just feel so desperate. I don't know why I'm being this way when I felt so great when I came off Citalopram. It's like I don't recognise myself from one month to the other.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or empathy. I just need someone to tell me I'll be ok. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to see about getting a prescription for Citalopram again.

[KeeKee]

Unfortunately for some people that lack of emotion is commonplace with antidepressants. It was ultimately (along with weight gain) the reason I came off them.

The new emotional you could just be your body adjusting to being antidepressant free and the happiness you felt initially when coming off them could he as you felt you were gaining control of yourself again

If you are going to take antidepressants again perhaps mention the lack of emotion you experienced and they may be able to give you another one to try

[Bearhugs]

Hi. My wife fairly recently came off antidepressants and likewise, the doctor said there would be no side effects. Wow. Was he wrong! She went from being as you said, completely emotionless to extreme mood swings, severe anxiety and regular tears.
It lasted a few months and things calmed down to a fairly normal state and she even started taking on new challenges.
I think she overdid it a bit. She felt better so she just started doing everything and being brave, putting herself in previously anxiety-inducing situations because she felt she could now cope.
We're back in a dark place now and working day by day to manage and cope with her anxiety and sometimes intense emotions that come with freedom from antidepressants.
One thing I've found from these experiences is that I don't think these anxieties ever fully go away we just have to manage them by working out what the triggers are and so minimise the risks of it getting worse by avoiding the triggers and trying to live in a healthy way.
Eating properly and sleeping properly have a very positive effect on my partner. Me being away for a few days with work is a fairly unavoidable trigger.
I don't think you should be afraid of your emotions but sometimes it's good to step back and see the true cause of those emotions and the surrounding factors.
You'very been brave coming off the medication and you should be proud.
I do think seeing the doctor and letting them know would be a good thing.
Good luck and here's to you feeling happy in yourself.

[stk149]

Sorry to hear your partner is feeling like this Bearhugs, it's not a pleasant situation at all. I just worry that I'm going to feel this way my whole life, so it's either that or be on medication my whole life! It's very difficult.

I've looked at beginning some alternative therapies, such as meditation, CBT and maybe taking a herbal supplement for anxiety. I just felt so fantastic when I stopped taking the medication and was telling everyone how great I felt. Sometimes I feel like this has to be more than anxiety :weep::weep:

There's nothing I can think of that's overly stressing in my life at the minute. My job is fantastic and it does get stressful sometimes, but it's a job I love and I'm so lucky to have it. And my parents being separated isn't ideal but I'm happy that they are both still around, healthy and happy, likewise with my sister being away.

I just need to get out and enjoy myself the way I was doing a few weeks ago, I keep telling myself it's mind over matter - I just need to put these awful thoughts out of my head