There is no end to this torture

[elik]

I don't know where to put myself. I am going to be forever stuck in this psychological war within myself and I am never going to trust myself enough to move forward. I've been trying to get out of this cycle for too long, I just can't come to terms with the damage I've done to myself. I live such a lonely life within such a privileged lifestyle it doesn't even make sense. I am always always always battling some serious anxiety so I'm never fully invested in anything. I have tried so hard to maintain a positive out look but yet here I am again, at rock bottom. I don't want to communicate with anyone, I don't even trust myself to be close to people because I am not consistent in my moods and then this causes further anxiety because all I do is give to people and get let down because I allow it to happen because I am undeserving. Its endless. I cant even move forward because how can I when I have a memory, I know all of this has gone on and its deeply embedded and scarred me to a great length. I don't talk to people about it ever, I can't afford to be any more vulnerable than I am, I can't have people judge me for me to then judge myself because I am so ashamed of all of this. I am destroyed.

[busterrufus]

I m sorry you feel bad. Are you having anxiety symptoms now.

[Buster70]

Hi , the past is the past you can't change it , you just have to work out what's really important to you and either forgive people who have let you down or cut them off and say f&@k em , I've been let down so many times by people but there are only a couple I still resent for it and I don't see them that often so it's a tiny piece of my life , you need to be a bit more forgiving on yourself as well , it's just my take on things some matter some don't , some people I meet are very happy with very little in life , take care and I hope you find some peace of mind .

[elik]

I just can't keep doing this for the rest of my life. It's no life at all. I'm completely stuck once again. I Honestly feel that too much damage has been done to me psychologically that I can't get over it, I set myself apart from anyone else and I'm too traumatized by this to forgive myself or trust myself to move on. Trusting myself means risking being let down by myself again and falling even harder. My life's over before its started. I cannot live with this, the mental struggle is unbelievable I feel like I'm such an alien and I can't reach out anymore because I can't afford the judgement or my own so I just do nothing and speak to no one and just survive

[Buster70]

Hi there , you can get through it and start to live again you are just over thinking it to much , I messed up my noodles at seventeen with drugs and thought that's it I can never get over this but I did it passed it took time but things got better for long time and i had some great times life's been pretty cruel at times hence a couple of relapses but you life isn't mapped out its just going to be what you make it , not sure how hold you are but your life isn't over , take care and stop being so hard on your self .

[Rohit]

It will pass.

[elik]

That's just it. I know it will pass but it has come back so many times I can't even let go of my current anxious state because I'm trying to protect
Myself against another hit. I'm 23 and have suffered since I was 11. In my head this is only going to get worse because I need to be gaining more independence as I get older and I can hardly step out the door at the moment. No Job, living at home, no respect from anyone, lonely, nothing. I am so ashamed of myself. So so so ashamed. I stand for nothing, just survival.

[Buster70]

Don't give up it won't always be like this , you just have to keep telling yourself it will get better , take care .