So, so down

[ponylover]

I don't really know where to put this...apologies if it's in the wrong place.

I haven't been here for a while because I thought that I had got better - after going to hell and back, suffering from depression, social anxiety, health anxiety, some OCD symptoms, an eating disorder, and severe self injury from the age of about 12 I thought that I'd got my life back on track.

I wasn't completely 'normal'...but the few coping mechanisms that I was left with (slight OCD, and avoidance of social situations) I thought that I could live with. I stopped my medication (citalopram and risperidone) for the first time in 2 years and that seemed fine.

But...I am feeling so low. Why can't I be like other 20 year old girls? I went to a friend's 21st on Friday, and completely freaked despite the fact that I was with the friend who got me though the past year, and got home and had to stop myself reaching for the first sharp thing I could find. The only reason that I got through my last term at uni without slicing my arms up again is because I didn't have anything sharp in my room, and had too much anxiety to go to a shop.

I feel so isolated for so much of the time, and when the few friends that I have break engagements etc (for very good reasons, and not often) then I completely freak.

I'm considering going to the doctors again in the morning, and getting put back on medication, but I have a real problem accepting that at 20 years old, I have to be on medication permanently to function even vaguely normally.:weep:

Sorry for the moan:blush:

[Iheartray]

I kind of know how you feel. I won't tell you I know exactly how you feel, because it wouldn't be the truth. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and you don't have to feel that you are. You said things got better last time when you felt like you were at your lowest and they will get better again this time!

I'm in the same boat as you right now as I don't want to have to take medication to live normally, but I'm getting closer and closer. I'll try anything at this point.

Even though it's hard you just have to seperate the good things from the bad and really focus on the good. Especially in our situations because some days it doesn't seem like there's much good at all. Today I tried to go to the store to get groceries, I ended up buying a pack of stamps and running out! I cried after I got into my car but now i'm looking back on it and seeing how silly it is.. and at least I got stamps.. haha. I have faith that I'll get through this, and I'm sure you will too! Good luck :D

[soulsurfer]

I know how your feeling, thought id got over pas and anxiety just thinking it was easy and hadnt freaked for 4 weeks until last week it knocks you for six, im not on any meds yet been to see doc im back next week feeling a bit better and managed a few hours sleep first time in 5 days, but what a pain i wish i was back to normal again before pas etc
take care philxx

[ponylover]

Thanks for both your replies, I really appreciate them. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I just wish I knew what to do, but never mind.

Thanks again:)

[yorkylover]

your not alone pet,we all understand how your feeling.There is lots of support here for you.
sending you a big hug:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[ponylover]

Thank you Ellen, that does mean a lot.

It's my own fault that I'm getting into such a stress at the moment, but I honestly can't see a way to reduce it. So stupid.

I'm at university, and love the course, but can't really cope with the social aspect and find the intensity of it a bit much to take. I've been offered my ideal job, but there's no money in it and I think I'd regret dropping out of uni.

If I were to do the sensible thing and go to uni without my pony, I'd lose the only thing I have that gives me the motivation to get up in the morning, the thing that stops me giving up, and the thing that makes me feel as though I'm more than I know I am.:weep: