More flipping questions on this recovery malarkey

[Mojo61]

Here we go again lol...

4 weeks in today on my 20mg Citalopram increase. Been on Cit for 4 months now all told: 12 weeks @ 10mg and 4 weeks @ 20mg. Been through hell in that time but I have stuck with it, mainly due to the encouragement and support from all the lovely people on the forum who have been through similar and have reassured me that in time these tablets WILL work and I WILL get better.

Yesterday I felt slightly different. I can't put my finger on it except to say things seemed slightly brighter if that makes sense? And I don't mean in my mind because that was still as buggered as its been since all this crap started last November, but things seemed brighter, like the sky for instance which seemed lighter and more "alive" than it has been for months. It is so difficult to put into words because there are no words to describe the sensation, but that awful, gloomy, foggy sensation was slightly better although I didn't feel happier per se.

And today it has happened again, and here's the rub; I'm absolutely petrified - yes, you read that correctly, I am metaphorically crapping myself because for 8 months now I've lived with this monster day in day out and I'm so scared that it is lulling me into a trap again and it is suddenly going to hit me just as I think I'm finally on the up. I don't think I could bear that, I'd rather know if that's going to happen but of course how could I know?

I guess what I'm asking is how does one come to terms with this recovery business (if indeed that's what it is) and how do I handle the fact that I might just be imagining all this and then it is going to come back and get me again?

What a dope I am, but I've never suffered from anxiety or anything like that prior to this happening so I don't know what to expect. All I know is that I'm scared, really scared, and I kind of rely on you guys to point me in the right direction now. Sorry! :blush:

[MardyBum]

Hey Hun I recovered on a mix of cit and mirt and I hear your fear I really do but one day I just woke up feeling better. I don't know how else to explain it really... I stupidly came off them and so wish I hadn't hence why I'm re starting them again on Sat x

[Andy1718]

I hear you but not too sure what to say. I am too scared. My only advise is find some key phrases and keep repeating them over and over. I use "feel the anxiety but do it anyway" , "what's the worse than can happen?". I am unsure that cit is working or even works. 10th week for me and I feel no different really. What I do know is that cit alone will not make you recover. You must mix it with meditation, CBT, exercise is a must no matter how tired it makes you, reading about anxiety etc. I am no expert and by no means have this sorted. It is really tough to come through when you feel so shit and tired. My back condition make most of my day in pain as well as the anxiety but I can't let it beat me. Not sure about my work whether I will go back or can even cope I just know that with the support of my GP, wife, kids, family, my boss that I will get through this and so will you. Give yourself time to heal and stop worrying about the day you will wake up cured because that isn't going to happen it is a gradual process I believe.

[Victory2016]

Mojo & Andy I really hope things start turning around for you guys soon. Trust me if Cit is the right drug for you then you will fee great when it kicks in.

Andy just a thought and you may have already done this, but have you ever had your testosterone tested? My uncle was suicidal/depressed/anxious at one point and they found his testosterone to be low once his levels came back up he improved dramatically.

[Carnation]

Mojo, people like us have a great fear of becoming very bad again when we are in the recovery stage. You may have blips, many of us have including me, but you will also feel everything differently when you are recovering.
Your senses may be sharper. You may not be able to deal with bright lights and very loud noises. It's all down to your nerves and their sensitivity
I can not guarantee that anyone will not become ill again to the point of another breakdown, but I have never heard anyone having two???
You can have a relapse, which I have had, but it is different and blips are normally when we have overdone things again thinking that we back to normality like we were before and I take 'blips' as warnings. A relapse is different to that, but it is not like a breakdown.
What I say, is listen to your body. When you are tired, then rest, if your are hungry, then eat. If the lights are too bright, then wear sunglasses. If you have too much nervous energy, then go for walk and do some gentle exercise.
Let you body repair in it's own time. We need to look after it, it does a lot of work for us over the years. :)

[Suziewuzie]

I don't think the fear of going backwards ever goes away - I still have it. I just tell myself this though; I have anxiety. I'm an anxious person. There will be times when my anxiety is bad, and times when it is nowhere to be seen. I will enjoy the good days, or good moments, and relise. I will ride the bad days out because I know they aren't here to stay.

Don't fear the good days Mojo, grab them and enjoy them because once you believe and KNOW that they are there, the bad days are so much easier to brush off. It sounds to me like a very positive step, my good days started off only as good moments before they turned into days and then weeks. Tell yourself: I feel good today, so today isn't going to be about anxiety. I'm not going to go on No More Panic or think about anxiety, I'm going to do something nice whilst these next few hours last.
If you crash after a few hours, tell yourself Well that was nice - I had a few hours respite, I CAN feel normal - I look forwars to that happening again!

[MardyBum]

I agree I don't think I can be "fixed" I just learn to deal with it better!