View Full Version : My anxiety story and progress
Hi everyone
I'm not a writer but have recently discovered, to my surprise, that I find writing about my anxiety really helpful. I've therefore decided to write a blog-esque type thing and this forum seems like the best place. If it helps people or sparks conversation or discussion then that's great but I won't pretend that there isn't a selfish motive in that it is a release for me and I hopefully will receive some words of encouragement from you guys!
I've been thinking about doing this for a while and as I've not had a great day and my counsellor had to cancel today and is now away for 3 weeks, today seemed as good as any!
I thought I'd start with my story. Hopefully it's not too boring and might even inspire someone!
I'm 32 and live in the East Midlands of the UK with my civil partner and my dog. I am a healthcare professional and work in cancer in a large hospital. I had a happy childhood and have a good life.
My anxiety story started at 16. The year of my GCSEs. It was christmas and I was on work experience and my local hospital as I was desperate to be a doctor. My first day and I was watching a procedure and passed out. I basically never got over it and developed a phobia of fainting. This had a major impact on me and got to the point where I didn't even like walking down the street. However I pushed through and completed my GCSEs, getting good grades and went on to college then University. I had CBT and eventually went on citalopram. I never managed to do medicine but have managed to make a successful career as a pharmacist instead. My progress continued and lasted years and I was eventually able to do things that I never thought I would be able to, such as lecture to 300 people and go to a conference in Chicago alone.
Life was good and I had a few hiccups. When I first qualified, we bought a house and I came off citalopram. I woke up one morning following a virus, highly anxious and this lasted a few weeks. I went back on citalopram and I literally woke up feeling better one day! I booked in for counselling and got on with life.
Last year when alone in Chicago, I had an upset stomach. This prompted a panic attack but I took diazepam, had a sleep and felt better and was fine.
In January this year I had a major upheaval as I was diagnosed completely out of the blue with type 1 diabetes. This means monitoring my blood sugar at least 5 times a day, watching what I eat and injecting at least 4 times a day. Also being aware of symptoms of a low blood sugar and the possibility of horrible complications.
I took this diagnosis on the chin. We were in the middle of a stressful house move, I had the best, but busiest and most stressful job I'd ever had and was also completing my PhD. I quickly sorted the physical stuff out and got used to what I had to do but did not allow myself to feel down or upset or angry as my attitude was "well it could be a lot worse" , especially working in cancer.
I registered with the counselling service offered by my diabetes team in order to be proactive as I suspected I might react to this with anxiety. I dutifully attended and didn't really discuss much in-depth emotion. I had an odd sense of calm that I never really trusted. I tried my best to carry on as normal.
Well - around 5 weeks ago I woke very suddenly in the night to a noise (from my partner!). I felt odd and so checked my blood sugar which was fine. I got some water and put the fan on but that feeling escalated and I had a full blown panic attack. I felt like I was dying and was up for around 2 hours. I managed to calm down and go into a very fitful sleep. The anxiety stayed with me the next day and I knew what was coming! I felt anxious constantly and became very fearful around eating which I knew I needed to do for my diabetes.
I made an appointment with my GP who was great. We agreed that I would increase my citalopram to 30mg. He also gave me some diazepam to use and I booked in to see a hynpnotherapist. I felt much better the next day and had my first hypnosis session. Literally as I was being counted out of the trance I felt a pang of anxiety and then had an awfully anxious evening which carried on into the next few days.
I had a weekend of thinking this would never improve and became very depressed - hopeless even. That was my lowest ebb and I hated it. In hindsight I can see that the increased citalopram was making things worse before having its therapeutic effect. My hypnotherapist also explained that as my subconscious had relaxed having beej used to being highly anxious, it was rebelling and this was common.
I pushed on and managed to stay at work, despite waking each morning with high anxiety. The best thing I did was talk to my counsellor at the diabetes service and then had a massive release of crying on my partner - it was such relief!
I'd also read the DARE book and loved the approach. I researched Dr Claire Weeks and found that DARE was based on her approach. It made sense to me and is about accepting the anxiety and learning to not fear it. This spoke to me as the only thing I was afraid of was anxiety!
This created a conflict in my mind as the hypnosis had taught me some ways to fight anxiety. I was keen not to resist it but truly accept it so spoke to my hypnotherapist who very kindly tailored our sessions to the DARE way of thinking.
Since then I've made progress. I managed to attend a meeting in London alone, in the 30+ degree heat. I have been going to work, engaging in socialising and eating out if possible. My Mum came back to stay with us for a few days which was lovely - even though we didn't talk in depth about anxiety and my problems, it was nice to just know she was there. Anxiety makes you feel very lonely and so I reached out where ever I could. Online support groups, counselling, Dr, friends who have been through similar things etc etc.
I certainly feel better than I did. I have a degree of positivity back in my life. I'm not where I want to be but have hope that I will get there! I've been on my increased dose of citalopram for nearly 5 weeks and I feel more stable. I've taken diazepam on hard days and it has helped, but mainly I have pushed through and not let anxiety stop me doing what I want to! I've had 3 hypnosis sessions and have just had a 2 week gap. I am going for another on Thursday.
My main issue now is when I'm at home and am tired and would normally want to sit and watch TV or read a magazine. If I feel OK I find myself looking for anxiety.
I've realised that my anxiety is divided in two. There is that horrible panic feeling that can manifest quickly. I feel a few pangs of that each day but manage to accept it and it dissipates. The other kind is the longer term general anxiety which is literally fear of feeling the other kind! Every time I feel a pang I think "this is it, this is the big one that will be the worst you've ever had and won't stop - you'll go off sick and lose your house, job and mind!" That's not happened so far thank goodness, but I'm at a stage where I don't trust my mind. I think this is rooted in the fact that the first attack 5 weeks ago was so out of the blue. I feel I need to be prepared for another! I'm desperate to be able to relax properly. I'm hoping that this is something we will work on in hypnotherapy.
I also have DARE and am learning to become patient. I realise recovery is a non-linear process and takes time. I also realise that each time I feel anxiety, is a chance to practice my new response and to form new neural pathways and better ways of dealing with it. Acceptance is the key but it's bloody hard work, especially when you're tired! I need to let myself have days where I do feel down and accept that this will happen.
I'm also keen to start exploring how I really feel about my diabetes, as I have suppressed it for so long. I've deferred my PhD in the hope that I can have some time to dedcicate to me and my healing.
I now have all I want in life. A lovely house, good friends, a great relationship, a good job that I enjoy and prospects. I'm so eager to get on and enjoy this. Hopefully that is a sweet enough goal for me to persevere and push through the anxiety. So I'll crack on. Review my citalopram next week with the Dr and have an open mind to further dose increases or seeing how I do on 30mg. I'll keep up with hypnotherapy and see what else I can learn. I'll explore my demons in counselling and I'll keep on DAREing and aim to truly accept the anxiety.
Also - if I've not put you to sleep - I'll keep you updated...
I'd love some feedback!
Does the 'Dare' make you confront your fears in a brazen way , as in , just go and do it ?
I have a great fear of traffic and it is affecting my life and my career totally , so much that , I am not able to travel to work and come back without any family member of mine.
Today my wife dropped me to work but while coming back , I wanted to come alone , but just the thought of doing it and confronting it , is killing me.
If the 'Dare' approach is to confront the fears , cold turkey , it will be very difficult for some , atleast for me.
Does the 'Dare' make you confront your fears in a brazen way , as in , just go and do it ?
I have a great fear of traffic and it is affecting my life and my career totally , so much that , I am not able to travel to work and come back without any family member of mine.
Today my wife dropped me to work but while coming back , I wanted to come alone , but just the thought of doing it and confronting it , is killing me.
If the 'Dare' approach is to confront the fears , cold turkey , it will be very difficult for some , atleast for me.
Hi Rohit
Ultimately to overcome your fears you will have to confront your anxieties. DARE teaches you to accept anxiety and lose the fear of it. Baby steps are allowed and it helps you to lose the fear of such situations. I would definitely recommend reading it!
Sam
---------- Post added at 18:22 ---------- Previous post was at 16:54 ----------
So I had a lovely evening yesterday and felt quite relaxed. Went to bed, read a while and was straight to sleep - this is often the case as I'm so exhausted.
I seem obsessed with labelling days as either good or bad, when in reality days obviously have aspects of both.
Woke up fairly anxious this morning but it's been worse in the past. I have a meeting at work tomorrow that I am worried about but have been planning to take diazepam. Forced breakfast down as I usually do and listened to my DARE audio in the car. Got to work feeling OK and straight into a busy meeting where I presented things. I then did my clinic and felt OK and had a meeting with someone that I was absolutely fine in! I then chaired a meeting of my team which was very productive and anxiety didn't even feature! I left work feeling fairly positive.
Wednesday is my half day so I came home and then had a physio appointment. I then walked the dogs and was quite grumpy. I thought about anxiety and my recovery for most of the walk. I seem to be making progress with doing things like meetings or work stuff but the bit I really struggle with at the minute is when I'm at home and I don't have something to do. I'm usually OK but have a nagging anticipatory anxiety that just doesn't drop. I decided to email my hypnotherapist about this to ask if we can work on it tomorrow.
Another thing that really bothers me is the weekend I had when i had just upped my citalopram dose and I felt very depressed. I felt so low and hopeless and I'm terrified of feeling that again, I think I keep looking for that too. I find myself also looking for triggers of that feeling. I seem to be obsessed with the fact that the weather may be contributing. The sky is very cloudy today but then the sun keeps coming out. Perhaps just another intrusive thought?!
I did a 7 minute meditation which is the 2nd day I've done it. It is recommended in the DARE book and I will aim to do it as often as possible. I have so much mental chatter going on at the moment, it will be good to try and quiet it. I spend nearly all day thinking about anxiety and it's exhausting! Hopefully practice and hypnotherapy can help me with this.
I then decided to test myself and sat an read a magazine in silence. I normally put the TV on for some white noise, but found I was OK. Currently feeling uneasy and tired and hoping I can get some respite from this! Think I'm a bit fed up today and need a release, especially after not having counselling this week. Oh well, here's to a positive day tomorrow. Onwards and upwards!
Thanks for the DARE info Samm, I've just ordered a copy on Amazon :)
I haven't posted for a few days. Where to begin?
Well Thursday I was expecting to be bad as I had a difficult meeting at work. I woke up anxious but not as bad as I have been. Managed breakfast and went to work after taking a diazepam. Felt nervous but not overly anxious. Got through the morning then had the meeting. It went well and anxiety stayed away! I was able to do my job and get on with it.
In the evening I had a hypnotherapy session. I got a lot from it. It was my first after a 2 week break and in those two weeks I'd had no counselling so was ready to off-load!!
We had a longer session and spent some time talking about my anxiety. My therapist pointed out that I have a very good understanding of my anxiety - which I do. But then I spend so much time thinking about it! My main issue at the minute is anticipatory anxiety and not being able to let my guard down. The therapist suggested that there is a reason my subconscious is not letting go of this anxiety and I'm keen to find out why - or at least find out how to let go of it!
While we were talking I reflected on a time when I felt I was not in control of my emotions. I am normally emotionally reserved and internalise things. I think about things but rarely let them out/ have an out-pouring of emotion. I remembered when I left home at 18. I was moving in with my partner and was excited. We packed the car up and off we went - I had no feelings of sadness but as soon as our journey began, I began to cry uncontrollably. I had no idea where this surge of emotion came from. I'm pretty sure what I am going through now is very similar. I'm having a surge of emotion that needs to come out! I'm really keen to explore this with my counsellor and really drill down into my emotional state. I think I have an element of depression and I'm keen to let myself feel it. I think that has been my trouble in the past. Something and happens but I don't let myself get sad or upset about it but bottle it up. Well I think the bottle is well and truly full and I'm ready to start pouring some stuff out of it! I'm now reflecting on why my subconscious wants to hold on to anxiety and stay "on guard". I guess I'm used to being the organiser, the leader and the driver of a conversation. If I feel anxiety I feel like I should do something about it and get rid of it ASAP so that it does not stop me playing the role I usually do. I therefore feel almost guilty for feeling anxious. I'm slowly learning that it is OK to feel anxious and to sit with it. It's OK to let my guard down, but I think this will take time as thinking back, this is something I have done for years.
This was a real relief to discuss with the therapist. The other thing she did for me (which she always does) was to provide reassurance. I felt myself slipping back into the loop of "this will never improve" and she reassured me that I have the potential to be back to normal. I'm so blooming determined to get there that know I will keep trying and trying. Patience is my big downfall and I need to learn to let my mind heal at its own speed! If I'm having a down day, so what? It doesn't mean the next day won't be good.
I had a great hypnotherapy session - felt like I went deeper than I had ever gone. We did some visualisations and I came round feeling relaxed. Coming round sometimes worries me as in the first session this is when I felt severe anxiety. This has not happened since thankfully so I think it was just my body adjusting from being so highly sensitized to having been relaxed. And if it happens again, so what? It's not going to hurt me.
Another thing we discussed was mindfulness and how it could help me. Coincidentally a good friend had given me a mindfulness book that week and I had started reading it. I know that I have never been particularly mindful and have always been striving for something in life. I am now really eager to just be. I have a lovely life and want to be able to simply enjoy it. I'm hoping that employing mindfulness techniques will help me to build on this. Learning to live in the now. Sounds great!
Friday - woke up with less anxiety than usual and was actually hungry in the morning! Had a great day at work - enjoyed my lunch, then had some quick fish and chips (which I enjoyed) and made our way to my Mum's - a 3 hour journey. I drove and felt some pangs of anxiety but accepted them and they faded quickly. My anticipatory anxiety was then higher, especially as we would not be sleeping at home. However I kept my music on in the car and kept singing! Had a reasonably relaxed evening but felt some anxiety but nothing major. I still have the fear that when this happens it will lead to the biggest ever panic attack that will ruin everything. Funnily enough that's not happened so far!
Had a good sleep but did take an over the counter sleeping tablet. My partner and I were in different rooms and I found this worrying so was eager not to wake in the middle of the night in panic. I did actually wake in the night feeling a bit anxious but was straight back to sleep.
Woke this morning feeling OK. Not too much anxiety but a bit. I was actually hungry and ate breakfast without any problem. Then got dressed and did a 7 minute meditation, which I quite like. The 7 mins seems to go by much quicker now.
We went to the next town and saw my Dad and met his new girlfriend which was nice. We then went to my Grandma's for lunch. I was fine. I've had a low level of anticipatory anxiety all day but not much apart from that. I'm really hoping that this will fade with time. Got a concert tonight which I am looking forward to but am also apprehensive about. However it is only a 10 minute walk away. I keep telling myself that anxiety can come too and I accept that it might. If he does I'll become excited by it and use that nervous energy to heighten my enjoyment!
Well, that's the plan.....
Hope everyone else is doing OK?
So I've just arrived home after a lovely weekend. Had a great time with my Mum and two really lovely days. It was nice to be around people I love and also nice to see my Dad happy with someone new. Familiarity of my home town was nice and I actually enjoyed being there - I don't normally like the place.
We went to a great concert last night that I throughly enjoyed and the few minor bits of anxiety I felt soon melted away. I even enjoyed a glass of wine. Today I had a nice walk with my Mum and then went out for lunch which I really enjoyed. I always feel better when my appetite is good!
We've just driven the 3 hour trip home and I had bouts of anxiety during the journey which were nothing major but then I had 3 hours to sit and ruminate! It's pretty warm at home but the house feels quiet with just me and my partner. I've got the Sunday night blues! Had a great weekend and felt great and now don't feel good - don't feel bad but don't feel good and that is a contrast so I notice it. I know it's just a low point and shall pass but my anxious mind is telling me to be anxious about feeling depressed and that I'm slipping back down again and my achievements have been for nothing. The random crap that it throws up are pretty comical in hindsight but in the moment can feel pretty real. On the way home it was telling me I'll never be happy unless I move back home and live near my Mum! I know for a fact that I'd hate that as it is a small isolated town, I'd have to commit career suicide and whilst I love my Mum and we get on really well, we need our own space! Anxiety has done this to me before. Straight after my first panic attack it told me the only way I could carry on with life would be to find a job working from home! That would be my worst nightmare - I love and need interaction with people on a daily basis!
So I'm trying to let these thoughts pass and defuse them but accept that they are there. It's easy to start looking ahead and worrying about the future when anxiety tells me I will feel like this forever. This is part of the healing process and I'm building my patience to remember that. If only I believed that all the time! As I get more practiced at mindfulness I hope I will become better at this.
I feel so loved and supported and yet the next minute can feel so alone. I'm still pretty up and down but again I expect that as part of recovery. I'm just waiting for the day when the good times outweigh the bad - which to be honest is probably now! But I'd love to be at the stage where I no longer look for anxiety or check in. Where I don't judge every thought and feeling and catastrophise it!
If anxiety decides to sit with me tonight then fine. It's welcome. Unfortunately there's nothing on TV and its sunny out which always makes me feel like I should be doing something exciting! I'm just going to try my damnedest not to get upset by it, accept it and carry on with what I want to do.
It is these times I fear the most. A long evening with not a lot to do. But sitting through those long evenings, with anxiety is the only way I will get through. My impatient brain wants to know when I will come out of the other side, but I'm trying just to trust that I will in my own time!
I love your stories. Reminds me of my own.
I'm also on the DARE approach. It's not from the book but I was told about demons on a bus. Basically anxiety is demons and I'm the driver of the bus. Should the driver be distracted and crash the bus or the driver should carry on no matter how noisy the passengers are? :)
I'm also on meditation and nature sounds for a relaxing night. Truth be told I don't always do it but it does good when I do!
Hang it there! Keep posting I'm reading!:yesyes:
OncewasSupergirl
10-08-16, 20:32
Hi Sammi11uk,
I follow the Claire Weekes approach which is to accept your anxiety and it does work. It's hard, I've been doing it since 2003, and currently I'm very anxious after a few stressful events. The last few years have been much less anxious for me and the return of my anxiety is really bothering me right now! I too, find the evenings hard, I seem much better with people but in the evening it's just me n my son and I have too much time to ruminate!
You're totally doing the right thing though, accept its there and just sit with it. It's not a quick fix but it does work, I'm living proof! I am finding such support on this forum from knowing other people are feeling the same thing x
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. It's nice to know someone is reading.
I haven't posted for a few days. How am I doing? There's the question. One I ask myself at least 10 times an hour. Well I'm gonna say I'm doing OK. And I'm gonna keep saying it! I stopped believing it earlier this week but have realised that if I keep telling myself I'm struggling then that's what i'm bound to feel. I'm therefore going to celebrate my achievements and progress, no matter how small. That feels almost dangerous. What if I jinx my progress? What if the worst panic ever happens tonight? What if I have to go off sick then lose my job and my house...I can't live in fear of that forever. If it happens then it happens and I'll dust myself off and deal with it! But I'm determined to enjoy the life I have as its a bloody good one! This may not happen overnight but it will happen. Anxiety sometimes tells me it won't but I'm trying my best to completely believe that it will!
So what's happened in the past few days?
Well Monday and Tuesday were OK. Not good, not horrific but OK. If I'd written this on Monday or Tuesday I'd have told you they were awful. In hindsight I can see that I got through them and as ever was OK. I started with a cold and felt quite low. I missed my Mum and the house felt quiet. This made me feel pathetic. I'm 32 for goodness sake! I was OK at work and not too anxious at home but felt low. This meant I was lacking in energy to be able to practice techniques and give them my all. The temptation is to give in and give up. Horrible feeling!
I also seem to have developed a need to be looking at something to do with anxiety all of the time! I read Facebook, forums, google cures/treatments etc. This happens when I just want to sit in front of the TV and relax. Didn't help that I'm not a sport fan and so there is not much on TV due to the olympics, so makes it difficult to focus on other things. I get the feeling that I'm still looking for a miracle to take it all away. I'm slowly realising that this is not the case and it will take time and hard work. However whenever I see something that might be a new novel treatment my eyes sparkle! I still have books to read and things I want to try and I worry that I will feel back at square one with each book I read when I haven't had the miracle I was hoping for.
I cried Monday and Tuesday on my journey home from work. Then with my partner. It needed to come out and was a relief. I decided to look at the days and look at why I felt bad. I know I felt depressed. It was the contrast of a lovely weekend back to normality. When I'm feeling OK this would just be a slightly low feeling, but as I am so sensitized at the moment, it feels catastrophic. My peaks and troughs are very high and deep at the minute, rather than the healthier plateau I normally have. Talking to my Mum last night was nice and she said she always feels low/sad when we go home. But for her it's temporary. It made me realise that I will always feel these things and I need to learn how to feel them without feeling it is the end of the world!
So yesterday I felt better. More positive day and awoke with a renewed positivity. Someone on DARE had suggested that perhaps I am not using the running towards step as much as I could. So the past two days I've been doing it loads! I've been using it for the anxious thoughts too. It makes sense to me and I'm hoping that it is the tool I need to lose the sense of fear of the anxiety. Sometimes it's easier than others. Its harder when I'm at home and on the sofa as I still want to be relaxed there so it feels less of a natural thing to do. At work it has been much easier and more productive. I've also been swearing at the anxiety a lot more!
When I got to the office at work, some of the nurses were there and talking. One commented on how much weight I had lost. I then found myself opening up to all of them about what is going on! They were so lovely and said some really nice things to me. This is so unlike me, wanting to get stuff off my chest all of the time - I'm normally very reserved. Perhaps that is part of my problem!
I had my telephone assessment for NHS CBT yesterday. It was interesting! He asked what therapy I was interested in and I explained that I would like to try a mindfulness based approach. He said that they only offer mindfulness to people who have tried CBT twice! Also it is group work and is geared more towards anxiety than depression. So they offered me CBT, said I would receive an email for some electronic modules then I would get a date to see a therapist. There is quite a demand and so will be a wait. Also I'm not sure about the very regimented approach. I have therefore found a private psychotherapist nearby who offers mindfulness based CBT. I've made an appointment for next week and am looking forward to it. I've also emailed my hypnotherapist who suggested that she thinks I may be more suited to counselling/mindfulness approach. I agree with her but my anxious mind is telling me that she thinks I'm a lost cause! I know this is not the case but the thought sits there. I also think I approached hypnotherapy expecting a miracle cure - which it obviously is not. I'm looking forward to seeing the therapist and it feels right, as there is so much going on in my head and I know I have some depression with my anxiety. I'm trying not to view it as a miracle cure as I know that that is not the case. I am so eager to offload though, as I have missed my counsellor so much while she's been away!
I saw the GP yesterday. Tuesday I'd planned to go and ask him to increase my citalopram to 40mg from 30mg. As I wasn't feeling so desperate yesterday I went with more of an open mind. I discussed with the GP and he recommended sticking at 30mg. He pointed out that was anything magical likely to happen between 30mg and 40mg? I reeled off the things I had achieved with him and it made me realise that I have made progress. I left feeling positive but a little apprehensive. I'd also asked him if in 6 weeks I came back to him no better what would we do? I'd already read the NICE guidelines (and many others!) and he obviously said that we would adhere to them! It was nice to know that he will keep with me and not just abandon me to a fate of being how I am currently.
Had a good evening yesterday and enjoyed my evening meal. Had some anxiety when watching TV but it passed, however it puts me on edge.
So today was good. My cold is at its worst and I feel pretty pants with it but am soldiering on. Despite that and it being a miserable rainy and cloudy day, I have pushed on and had a good day. Really busy week at work which I've kind of enjoyed and knuckled down. Really enjoyed my lunch! I chatted to one of the nurses at work who is also going through anxiety/depression. It was so nice to talk.
At home now and my guard is up to any potential anxiety. Also my partner is not in a great mood which can put me on edge. I sometimes feel guilty and selfish for being the way I am all of the time, when he has his own stresses. I was going to go to a knit and natter group tonight but feel rubbish with my cold so going to give it a miss. I've started knitting again for something to do, so hopefully it is therapeutic for me. Trying to relax but also occasionally run towards any anxious feeling or thought and demand more in the hope that it will defuse the fear.
Busy day tomorrow and looking forward to going to bed! Going out for a drink with the neighbours tomorrow. Hoping that I can enjoy a gin and tonic! Then Saturday some friends are coming who I haven't seen for ages. I feel able to tell them what's going on and am hoping it will be a nice weekend. If anxiety decides it wants to be with us then I will try my best to accept it and run towards it.
My diabetes is much less stable at the minute as I am needing so much less insulin. I don't think that is helping me. However onwards and upwards.
I remain terrified that this will never improve but try convincing myself it is temporary!
I'd love to hear your comments/thoughts/stories too!
So today isn't going to be a positive post I'm afraid.
I had a good few days the end of last week. Friday night we went out with our neighbours and I enjoyed some wine. Had a fantastic time with some good laughs.
Yesterday I woke up a bit anxious but not too bad and made the mistake of going straight onto my phone. All I seemed to read were negative stories and I think this upset me. I also wonder if I felt slightly off due to the wine the previous night. Since then it spiralled.
I got up and did what I needed to do. Went shopping, made the beds, did the laundry. All with a slowly descending black cloud of depression hanging over me. I cried a few times and chatted to my partner. Some friends then arrived to see us for the evening. I cried as soon as they arrived and let them know what was going on. They were great as one of them has been through something similar and is currently in counselling. I was OK. We went for a walk and then came back home and I decided to take a diazepam so that I could enjoy the evening. It kind of worked but I felt so low and my guard was still up. I also took a sleeping tablet last night to ensure I got the sleep I so craved!
This morning I awoke early - about 7. Felt pretty anxious, so got up went to the loo and got back into bed as I can often get back to sleep. However the dog then wanted to go out so I got up to let him out and took a diazepam. Went back to bed for a couple of hours. Was OK when I wore up but felt depressed. This has carried on. I chatted to my friends but my mind was elsewhere. I then cried and talked to my husband. I wanted my Mum, so he offered to ring her to see if she will come and stay for a bit. I took the dog out and found myself crying the entire 45 minute walk. Got home and cried. I finally confessed the worst bit to my partner.
This is the bit that I'm really worried about. I've had some suicidal thoughts. Thoughts that it maybe the only way out. Anxiety alone I can cope with as I can summon the energy to DARE or run towards. Depression alone I can cope with as I feel low for a bit and seem to bounce back eventually. The two combined is so hard. They seem to mix together to a tension in my chest. I cannot describe the feeling. I'm struggling to find enjoyment in most things and the future feels so bleak. I don't want to commit suicide, I have so much to live for and so much I am desperate to enjoy. I haven't planned anything but as a diabetic have access to a ready supply of insulin. I'm feeling less and less in control and that scares me. I'm glad I've told my partner and my Mum is coming tomorrow. I'm also going to ring the doctor tomorrow as I think we need to do something with my citalopram. I need some relief. My Mum's proviso for coming is that I take some time off work. I think she may be right and I need that time to heal. I'll go in tomorrow, as I have a meeting with my boss, who is so supportive and I'll talk it through with her. The thought of time off is very appealing but also terrifying as sitting with nothing to do can trigger my anxiety, but I feel the depression needs time to be processes.
I've received Claire Weeks' book in the mail this week and have started reading it. It reinforces all of the DARE processes for me and emphasises the need to accept. I'm trying so hard to do this but don't think i have mastered it. She also emphasises patience is needed and it will take time and clearly states that acceptance will not give relief in the short term but will result in a long term cure. This I remain hopeful of but it is so hard to imagine getting there.
So here I am. I'm hoping this is rock bottom. I think i've perhaps finally admitted to myself and maybe others how bad I am feeling. I've always tried to put a positive spin on it but that is becoming increasingly difficult. I'll speak to the Dr tomorrow and have a therapy appointment on Tuesday. So here's hoping I will be improved next time I post. I'm so lucky to have my partner, my Mum and may supportive friends and also an understanding boss. It's just me that needs convincing now!
Please let me know you are listening!
georgewing
14-08-16, 16:32
Well i will just write short to you .I am glad for your achievment its a progress
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