Lonely-sounding off

[PanickyPolly]

Saw my CPN today. She was very nice but I failed to mention the suicidal episode I had a week ago. Gawd knows why I forget these things. I guess she didn't ask that's why I didn't say. Plus you get used to it after a while. oh I almost killed myself last week but anyway nice weather for the time of year ect. It's the lonliness that causes it. She explianed loss causes depression well that figures as all I've ever known is loss which in turn conributes to the anxiety. Loss of everything I've ever had...nothing has ever lasted for me so it's no wonder I'm messed up. She asked me if I was lonley yes I am. I have no-one. I read baout people on here missing their loved ones or veing scared of being alone for a week or so and I wish I had that. I wish I had someone to miss. I've lived alone now for nearly 7 years and have lost all my friends in that time and the only person I ever see...ever is my deaf, loopy step father who sometimes says inappropriate things that make me squirm.

I wish I had a man in my life to love me and to love. I'm a very passionate person and have a deep longing for a man I can share my love and passion with. I don't do things my halves. Never have never will. I met some new friends a few weeks ago and it's great to know they are there although I've only seen them once since and we're not at the stage (or anywhere near) where I can share my feelings. Gawd knows that's probably what lost me everybody in the first place. They don't want Polly she comes with baggage. We want a designer friend thank you very much. So here I am crippled and lonely but wanting to reach out...Wanting to get better. I love people and I wish I had people in my life. I met a gorgeous guy also and although I've not seen him for a while and I'm starting to wonder if he remembers what I look like still or still wants to see me I think about him every day. It's stranage since he and these other new people came into my life I've no self harmed once. I've wanted to but not given in. Maybe it's because I felt at home with these new people I don't know. Finally at my age I finally meet people I have smetihing in common with. It was a bit like meeting others of the same species when all your life you've lived with creatures of different species.

I used to tell myself being alone was for my own good...I need space..I'm not so sure now. The gulf is so harrowing sometimes I just can't tell myself that anymore. I wonder smetimes if I migth die of lonliness or from frustation as I'm a red blooded womana nd not realy able to express myself!

Work (the work I actually manage to do) is hard and very slow sometimes although I'm told I'm doing brilliantly well.

I'm out of words now.

[mirry]

oooooo Polly, you have so many friends here that care about you,
I for one do,we are all gods creatures and you seem like such a nice person and have alot to offer this world. If you find it hard explaining what thoughts youve been having lately then you can phone people who will talk to you about it., they are really nice people who care about you.
But lonliness is tuff to live with and the more open you become the more your life will open up.
Let us know how things are polly, we are always here for you xxx

[Keitharcher]

Hi Lonely

i do know what you are going through. I hope you find what you are looking for soon make sure that it is what your looking for and not just a port in a storm. Talk it over (use the chat room) you should come into contact with others who can help you. At least whilst your talking you will not feel so lonely

Keith

[PanickyPolly]

Thanks guys...who do you mean by good people I can call mirry?

I emailed a friend I used to work with today and that helped me get through the day...as soon as things go quiet I feel the emptiness threatening again though. Had another urge to self harm today too which wasn't good. I think a lot of the sexual frustration would disipate if I was around men more. I used to work with men all the time and since I am at home all the time I don't see anyone let alone men and I miss the testosterone. There doesn't have to be anything in it but just being around men can help I think. It's just horrible waaiting for your life to start. I'd never just have a one night stand to tide me over or make do and mend I think that would make me feel worse but I need something to keep me going.