Shain321
08-08-16, 04:02
Hello, I'm Stacey. I have a great husband, three amazing kids, a nice home and beautiful yard, animals, the works. To me it sounds like I should be "normal". But I'm far from it. My life inside is truly a living hell, and most people don't know I'm an amazing actor.
Not many people would guess I feel dizzy and completely self absorbed in a conversation, and that although I'd love to care about what they're saying I can't. I can hardly even pay attention. Or that I can't go to the grocery store without feeling like I'm going to pass out. Or that I have horrible anxiety while driving. Or that I would prefer to be at home because I feel safer there, not because I don't want to go anywhere. I'd love to go, I'd love to feel like I could jump in the car and take my kids to play with their friends and I could feel like I wasn't a freak. Living in a fog is no fun. And feeling incredibly dumb.
Six months ago I decided to go back to a doctor after a 4 year break. I got so tired of hearing there was nothing wrong with me four years ago that I had to quit going. Anything they did didn't make me feel better anyway, and I was tired. In the last six months I've been on three different medications, Effexor, then Lexapro solo, and now Lexapro and Wellbutrin combo. I've started seeing another therapist as well, doing EMDR. Life is more bearable but far from great.
It all started as panic attacks in 2007. I've lived a hard life. Drug addicted, alcoholic parents, living in bad conditions. Never feeling loved, blah, blah, blah. I feel like I've worked on that enough with therapists. But I'm pretty sure it's the root cause of all my troubles.
Panic attacks started in 2007, which led to testing, which led to there was nothing wrong but anxiety. I swear I've had a heart attack but doctors say otherwise. I've also had MS, diabetes, thyroid issues, a possible brain tumor, celiac disease and I'm sure more illnesses but doctors have said I'm in great health. After a few months of panic attacks in 2007 and many walk-in clinic visits I started taking Zoloft. I was good for quite a while, like 5 years. Two pregnancies during the time, a fairly peaceful and uneventful 5 years. A couple panic attacks during this time, but nothing i felt I couldn't handle. After a while I was able to talk myself through them, and they would pass and I'd still be alive.
But I was going through some bad stuff that I was unaware of. I was sure that sunspots were going to flare up and devastate the earth. I was preparing, stockpiling food, medical supplies, seeds to grow a garden, a water filtration kit, I was trying to get my hands on a gun for protection but never actually went through with a purchase. At the same time I was terrified of my husband. For no reason. He's never hit me, never verbally abused me, he is really and truly a nice guy. But I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't tell him about the sunspots, I couldn't tell him who I talked to on the phone, that I visited my sister, that I went to McDonald's for lunch. I was afraid he'd be mad at any choice I made during the day. It was an artificial relationship, one that I almost destroyed because of my mental illness. I created a monster that didn't exist out of my husband.
In April or May of 2012 I was cooking dinner for my family. All of a sudden, I felt like someone hit me in the back of the head, followed by a panic attack. I had a headache for 43 days. In that time, I had an MRI, was checked out by three different doctors, and everything was normal. That's when the fog started. That's when I started feeling disconnected from the world, had trouble driving, grocery shopping, talking to people. When I started feeling so dumb. My primary doctor prescribed Celexa, but it didn't help. I don't think I gave it enough time in hindsight. I quit going to the doctor because I was so tired of hearing I was okay.
So I suffered in silence. This is the time in my life if I was ever to be nominated for best actress I'd have won. I drove everywhere in fear. I went to work complely numb, literally being able to touch a scalding hot item and not flinching. I didn't know until then anxiety can make you feel absolutely nothing. I was sucked dry, but my people pleasing side kept me going. I hate to disappoint anyone. Maybe I didn't even love my kids... at the very least I couldn't feel connected to them. Two years passed like this. I did see a therapist for about a year during this time.
Finally, finally, my husband was transferred for work and we were able to move. I felt this was my big chance to feel better. Somehow I kept it together to sell our home, buy another one, get the kids in a new school, find a part time job, start doing things I felt I should enjoy. But nothing brought me happiness. I was still as empty, foggy, exhausted, and lifeless as ever. Another year and a half went by, and even with all of the positive changes my family and I made there was nothing but tiredness.
Back to the doctor, trying different medications, perhaps finding one that in time will actually work. I've been on Lexapro and Wellbutrin for about 2 1/2 months now, adjusting the dosage about a month after I started. I'm back to a therapist in our new town, hoping something will help. I'm closer to feeling "normal" than I have in 4+ years, but what should it feel like? I'm way closer to 40 than when all this started, so I need to remember I may never get back to where I used to be... That's the short version of me :)
Not many people would guess I feel dizzy and completely self absorbed in a conversation, and that although I'd love to care about what they're saying I can't. I can hardly even pay attention. Or that I can't go to the grocery store without feeling like I'm going to pass out. Or that I have horrible anxiety while driving. Or that I would prefer to be at home because I feel safer there, not because I don't want to go anywhere. I'd love to go, I'd love to feel like I could jump in the car and take my kids to play with their friends and I could feel like I wasn't a freak. Living in a fog is no fun. And feeling incredibly dumb.
Six months ago I decided to go back to a doctor after a 4 year break. I got so tired of hearing there was nothing wrong with me four years ago that I had to quit going. Anything they did didn't make me feel better anyway, and I was tired. In the last six months I've been on three different medications, Effexor, then Lexapro solo, and now Lexapro and Wellbutrin combo. I've started seeing another therapist as well, doing EMDR. Life is more bearable but far from great.
It all started as panic attacks in 2007. I've lived a hard life. Drug addicted, alcoholic parents, living in bad conditions. Never feeling loved, blah, blah, blah. I feel like I've worked on that enough with therapists. But I'm pretty sure it's the root cause of all my troubles.
Panic attacks started in 2007, which led to testing, which led to there was nothing wrong but anxiety. I swear I've had a heart attack but doctors say otherwise. I've also had MS, diabetes, thyroid issues, a possible brain tumor, celiac disease and I'm sure more illnesses but doctors have said I'm in great health. After a few months of panic attacks in 2007 and many walk-in clinic visits I started taking Zoloft. I was good for quite a while, like 5 years. Two pregnancies during the time, a fairly peaceful and uneventful 5 years. A couple panic attacks during this time, but nothing i felt I couldn't handle. After a while I was able to talk myself through them, and they would pass and I'd still be alive.
But I was going through some bad stuff that I was unaware of. I was sure that sunspots were going to flare up and devastate the earth. I was preparing, stockpiling food, medical supplies, seeds to grow a garden, a water filtration kit, I was trying to get my hands on a gun for protection but never actually went through with a purchase. At the same time I was terrified of my husband. For no reason. He's never hit me, never verbally abused me, he is really and truly a nice guy. But I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't tell him about the sunspots, I couldn't tell him who I talked to on the phone, that I visited my sister, that I went to McDonald's for lunch. I was afraid he'd be mad at any choice I made during the day. It was an artificial relationship, one that I almost destroyed because of my mental illness. I created a monster that didn't exist out of my husband.
In April or May of 2012 I was cooking dinner for my family. All of a sudden, I felt like someone hit me in the back of the head, followed by a panic attack. I had a headache for 43 days. In that time, I had an MRI, was checked out by three different doctors, and everything was normal. That's when the fog started. That's when I started feeling disconnected from the world, had trouble driving, grocery shopping, talking to people. When I started feeling so dumb. My primary doctor prescribed Celexa, but it didn't help. I don't think I gave it enough time in hindsight. I quit going to the doctor because I was so tired of hearing I was okay.
So I suffered in silence. This is the time in my life if I was ever to be nominated for best actress I'd have won. I drove everywhere in fear. I went to work complely numb, literally being able to touch a scalding hot item and not flinching. I didn't know until then anxiety can make you feel absolutely nothing. I was sucked dry, but my people pleasing side kept me going. I hate to disappoint anyone. Maybe I didn't even love my kids... at the very least I couldn't feel connected to them. Two years passed like this. I did see a therapist for about a year during this time.
Finally, finally, my husband was transferred for work and we were able to move. I felt this was my big chance to feel better. Somehow I kept it together to sell our home, buy another one, get the kids in a new school, find a part time job, start doing things I felt I should enjoy. But nothing brought me happiness. I was still as empty, foggy, exhausted, and lifeless as ever. Another year and a half went by, and even with all of the positive changes my family and I made there was nothing but tiredness.
Back to the doctor, trying different medications, perhaps finding one that in time will actually work. I've been on Lexapro and Wellbutrin for about 2 1/2 months now, adjusting the dosage about a month after I started. I'm back to a therapist in our new town, hoping something will help. I'm closer to feeling "normal" than I have in 4+ years, but what should it feel like? I'm way closer to 40 than when all this started, so I need to remember I may never get back to where I used to be... That's the short version of me :)