Azula
10-08-16, 17:02
For the last few days I have been having intrusive sexual thoughts about children and my six year old brother and it has been killing me. I should mention that I am 14 years old and a girl and before that had been having intrusive sexual thoughts about family members for a month.
I hate the thoughts and just want them to end. Whenever i have them I feel really anxious and disgusting like a monster. I don't want to go into detail unless asked but usually they happen around children. They also come when I am by myself very often. Yesterday it was so bad that I insisted on isolating myself in my bed for the entire day, because I was that anxious. I want to be locked up in a mental hospital just to keep everyone safe and to stop feeling anxious and I plan on telling my psychiatrist that today.
My compulsions are weird. So in order to assess whether or not I am sexually attracted to children I will imagine them naked and doing sexual things to see if it arouses me or if I find it pleasing but I don't. I always just see children doing weird things and I don't see sexual objects but whenever i use my negative responses to reassure myself that I'm not a pedophile my brain tells me that maybe I secretly enjoyed it which makes no sense because I know that I didn't. To really test myself I'll also imagine myself kissing children to see if I indulge in the thought but I never do.
I hate this I want to kill myself but I can't because my family depends on me. The thoughts always make me anxious and even though I think of children to test myself I always avoid them nowadays. Even now I doubt the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to children I hate this I hate this I hate this so much but I always questions myself **** am I actually faking this or am I legit? Please help me.
BTW I have been attracted to teenagers my age and a few adults before this whole fiasco but I'm still scared because I heard that pedophiles discover they are attracted to children around this age. I have never experienced this before the onset of my ocd symptoms but now I'm scared.
I know the thoughts are wrong I know this please help me. I'm always scared that maybe i secretly enjoyed them but idk please help me. I know that I don't but my brain tells me otherwise.
I hate the thoughts and just want them to end. Whenever i have them I feel really anxious and disgusting like a monster. I don't want to go into detail unless asked but usually they happen around children. They also come when I am by myself very often. Yesterday it was so bad that I insisted on isolating myself in my bed for the entire day, because I was that anxious. I want to be locked up in a mental hospital just to keep everyone safe and to stop feeling anxious and I plan on telling my psychiatrist that today.
My compulsions are weird. So in order to assess whether or not I am sexually attracted to children I will imagine them naked and doing sexual things to see if it arouses me or if I find it pleasing but I don't. I always just see children doing weird things and I don't see sexual objects but whenever i use my negative responses to reassure myself that I'm not a pedophile my brain tells me that maybe I secretly enjoyed it which makes no sense because I know that I didn't. To really test myself I'll also imagine myself kissing children to see if I indulge in the thought but I never do.
I hate this I want to kill myself but I can't because my family depends on me. The thoughts always make me anxious and even though I think of children to test myself I always avoid them nowadays. Even now I doubt the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to children I hate this I hate this I hate this so much but I always questions myself **** am I actually faking this or am I legit? Please help me.
BTW I have been attracted to teenagers my age and a few adults before this whole fiasco but I'm still scared because I heard that pedophiles discover they are attracted to children around this age. I have never experienced this before the onset of my ocd symptoms but now I'm scared.
I know the thoughts are wrong I know this please help me. I'm always scared that maybe i secretly enjoyed them but idk please help me. I know that I don't but my brain tells me otherwise.