View Full Version : In need of some rational advice
I haven't heard from my ex husband in nearly 3 years now which was back when he breached his court order. However a lady who works at the vets where I was volunteering for a while told me they had a call there from a man asking for Sadie. When they asked who was speaking he said tell her it's an old friend and they left a mobile number.
I've had this for a few days now and I won't call it. When we divorced I moved away(granted not that far) but far enough, and there should be no way he could know where I live let alone worked. I know it could be anyone, but my gut tells me that it is him and I just don't know what to do.
My mind is going overtime thinking if it is him what if he gets my address.
I'm not sure how to deal with this
Sadie
If you think it may be him, I wouldn't call, Sadie.
Try not to speculate on what may or may not happen here. Tell yourself that YOU are the one in control here, and don't allow it to control you.
I hope you have a good support network around you? People than can be there should you need them is very important, even people you can offload on if you are a bit worried.
Bottom line is you have not called them back, and they may well get the message loud and clear anyway......but to add agin, YOU are in control here, and don't have to see anyone or entertain whoever it is if you don't want to.
Try not to let this make you anxious. xx:hugs:
If you think it may be him, I wouldn't call, Sadie.
Try not to speculate on what may or may not happen here. Tell yourself that YOU are the one in control here, and don't allow it to control you.
I hope you have a good support network around you? People than can be there should you need them is very important, even people you can offload on if you are a bit worried.
Bottom line is you have not called them back, and they may well get the message loud and clear anyway......but to add agin, YOU are in control here, and don't have to see anyone or entertain whoever it is if you don't want to.
Try not to let this make you anxious. xx:hugs:
Thank you debs I'm trying to do exactly that and remain composed, I keep telling myself I'm not in that situation anymore I'm free and like you say I am in control. It's difficult as it doesn't take much to make me feel how I was back then.
I have no family around me but I have very good neighbours and a friend who lives a 10 minute drive away. I'm not going to call the number that's for certain, trying to carry on as normal as best I can really but it's made my anxiety peak these last few days.
Sadie
Excellent advice from Debs. It must be very unsettling for you, Sadie, and will undoubtedly have made all your old anxieties resurface..but it's unhelpful to speculate further at this stage. Try to keep calm and carry on as normal as much as you can. You can reassess the situation if there is a repeat call?
MyNameIsTerry
12-08-16, 08:32
Think of it this way, Sadie, an old friend who wouldn't give their name? Who does things like that? People give a name so you bother ringing them back.
If he calls again, can they question him a bit more? Or aren't they aware of him?
Think of it this way, Sadie, an old friend who wouldn't give their name? Who does things like that? People give a name so you bother ringing them back.
If he calls again, can they question him a bit more? Or aren't they aware of him?
My thoughts exactly Terry that's why i know it's him, and no they're not aware of him but i have told them not to pass on any of my details if they get another call or confirm anything, not that they would anyway i hope.
I have no proof it is him and even if it is he's not breaking any law, so all i can do is wait it out and hope it's left at that but in reality i know better,
I'm angry at the thought somebody has told him where i live and work because i've wrapped my brains and there is just no way he could find out without being told. The only people who know are family and close friends.
---------- Post added at 10:31 ---------- Previous post was at 10:29 ----------
Excellent advice from Debs. It must be very unsettling for you, Sadie, and will undoubtedly have made all your old anxieties resurface..but it's unhelpful to speculate further at this stage. Try to keep calm and carry on as normal as much as you can. You can reassess the situation if there is a repeat call?
Thanks Pulisa that is all i can really do, trying not to let this have such an affect on me as really it's 'just a call' but it's something i've been dreading for a long time. If there is another call or any contact then i'll have to address it
Hi there , I've had a few idiots call me to give me abuse in the past over buying and selling things , there a few options , burn the number no temptation to ring it , get a freind to ring ask for random guy then say sorry who have I rang ? , the last one that's paid off for me a couple of times google the phone number if they have ever had the number online for any reason it turns up even if they just sold a car , it could be inocent but like the others said a freind would just say their name , stuff like this plays on my mind even when I know i shouldn't give it a second though , take care
It does seem strange and your gut instinct is usually right but you say it's been 3 years without contact why now? You should speak to your family and just let them know but yeah try and carry on as normal and not let it get on top of you because it really could be something else x
Katie there was an order in place for some time which legally stopped any contact but yes as the call was very odd I don't blame myself for questioning it, but i just can't let it consume me.
Advice is really appreciated thankyou. Just attempting to carry on as normal but admittedly i have been more on edge than I usually am, and even found myself unable to answer the door yesterday, I felt like a child.
I've been much better today,
Sadie
georgewing
15-08-16, 14:45
Well personaly i think its your husband and i think also that you should control your life anx decide what you realy want .If you dont want to get your husband back then dont need to worry about that call .G o far on your way
Well personaly i think its your husband and i think also that you should control your life anx decide what you realy want .If you dont want to get your husband back then dont need to worry about that call .G o far on your way
My ex husband was physically and mentally abusive, he went to prison for this and when we divorced there was an order in place to stop any contact with me. He isn't a nice person, that is why i worried about the call.
You may mean well, but please try understanding the situation before commenting.
MyNameIsTerry
17-08-16, 08:28
My ex husband was physically and mentally abusive, he went to prison for this and when we divorced there was an order in place to stop any contact with me. He isn't a nice person, that is why i worried about the call.
You may mean well, but please try understanding the situation before commenting.
He's that spammer from before, Sadie. Admin have finally noticed his link (which I reported in the past) and removed it and even deleted a post to another member that could have been triggering.
He won't even realise his comments to people, he just pops up to post a load and disappears again. It's just a way to get a link noticed.
I'm sorry to hear you went through abuse. :hugs::flowers: No wonder you are worried about this. Is there a way to slap something on him to prevent all future contact if you need it?
I thought it may have been, i may be a little mard but the comments seem very harsh to me then again i could be interpreting them wrong.
Yes there is and that was discussed with me way back when but it's not an easy process and something that i would struggle with, but if it came to it yes there are options thankfully.
Thanks Terry.
MyNameIsTerry
17-08-16, 09:17
It must dredge up horrible memories you would rather put behind you? You shouldn't have to need to do anything and go through that again and I hope it doesn't come to it.
Your employer can take some easy steps without you having to explain much, well just saying what you have on this thread would be enough for an employer.
Sorry for the late reply, yes it does Terry.
Nothing more has come of it thankfully. I did have a word with them without going into detail so they understand the situation for future reference.
Sadly I've still been worrying which led to a rather bad panic attack on Sunday night. Had a few distractions this week that have kept me busy and I've been much better.
MyNameIsTerry
27-08-16, 07:20
Perhaps he has taken the hint he's been rumbled, Sadie? Perhaps a test to see if you call it and if not, he knows you know?
It's very easy for an employer to take steps to protect you with minimal detail. Whether it's screening your calls better or getting security to walk you to your car. It's happened at places I've worked at. A few of us escorted one of the female members of the team once because an ex BF was showing up, he quickly gave up.
I hope you can put this behind you soon and not allow him to cause you any further stress. :hugs:
It was indeed him.
I had a call from the vets again to say they had received a letter addressed to me and marked as private & confidential. I asked them to forward it on to me.
When i got it i instantly knew it was him as it was handwritten on the front.
The letter is two pages long and without wanting to type it word for word, it basically says how he is sorry for everything that happened, how he has changed over the years and how he would like to meet up with me. How he hasn't stopped thinking about me and although he was angry back then, he now realizes why i did what i did. Leaving his phone number again at the end.
The whole time i was reading this letter i was shaking, i do not want any contact from him whatsoever and oh how it's nice to know that HE'S in a good place now(not).
The only thing making me feel less anxious is that i am assuming he does not have my home address, considering the call and letter were to the vets, but that doesn't mean he won't be able to get it as i still have no idea how he knew where i was working.
I really don't need this stress and want him to know that i categorically want nothing to do with him, but i do not want to contact him at all.
Emma herriott
01-09-16, 18:55
Ask work not to tell you anymore when this person calls and then it slowly go to the back of your mind and you'll forget about it xx
Hi , sorry it's turned out you were right I know you must have hoped you where just being paranoid , I guess for now the best thing is to ignor him and don't fuel it by having any contact , if it carries on then go to the police , things have changed lately with stalking laws , you can't let him control your life if you don't want him in it , hopefully he will get the idea and move on , take care hope it works out for you , there are a lot of good people out there still .
Thank you.
Has anyone tried chamomile tea? I'm going to buy some, from what i have read it can really help with relaxation in some people. I've used Lavender in the past at bed time and that did help me so hopefully this will have a similar effect.
Just struggling to stay calm, my anxiety certainly has latched on to this.
Hi , I drink camomile tea at night instead of normal tea as I have trouble sleeping , it does help and it settles my stomach if I'm a bit churney , it's a bit of an aquired taste though I put half a spoon of sugar in , I did nick name it camel p@ss tea but it helps so I've stuck with it , give it a go it's cheap in the supermarkets they do their own brands , take care .
MyNameIsTerry
03-09-16, 08:50
Yeah, it's an acquired taste! I used to add honey to it to make it more palatable. Too much honey though and it's gets sickly.
Sadie, is this one of those criminal scheme things where they try to make amends with the victim? Or something he has been advised to do out of some therapy or group? If so, talk about cheek! It's NOT about THEM, it's about you. They may view it as helping you get beyond it but that's assuming too much given it could have the completely opposite outcome. I would expect any service to act as an intermediary, but it doesn't rule out therapists, self help groups, etc.
He can't get your address from work, you are cover by the Data Protection Act. Your employer wouldn't do that, and besides they would have no motivation to do it either.
If further contact is made, I take it you will need to push this back into the Courts?
Thank you both I've bought some and have honey to add to it.
Yes Terry that's what I'll have to do, I've never heard of the criminal scheme you mentioned but it's a possibility.
The man I know would never change, but if he has that's good news for any women he may be in a relationship with in the future, but I still could never outwardly forgive him for everything that he did.
I know forgiveness is taught and promoted but it is much easier to say than do, I have come a long way since then and have managed to get back to normality somewhat, but any contact just drags me right back to where I was for those brief moments.
I have kept the letter incase I need it, i guess again all I can really do is hope that is the end of it now.
MyNameIsTerry
03-09-16, 10:25
Well I think when it comes to forgiveness & acceptance, as long as you can apply that to yourself so you can move forward, you don't have to forgive him at all. Some people get stuck in unhealthy thinking habits about the past and only harm themselves but if you can get beyond it, those strategies of confronting & forgiving others don't need to happen in my opinion, some people just make their peace with it. It's just that you don't want what he did to keep harming you but that's hardly an easy process to work through.
My GF was sexually assaulted by a BF a long time ago. It took her a while to tell me and she has always said if she needs to talk about it, she will but she doesn't feel the need to. It pushed her into depression for a period and obviously affected her self esteem but she has been regaining some of that as she had good experiences later e.g. work promotions have helped her confidence. She always says she hit rock bottom and pulled herself back up from there. I guess part of that meant in some way dealing with the assault, boxing it so it didn't keep harming her as much going forward. She never reported it and didn't confide in family, so she had no support and obviously had to face it in her own way.
The programme that sprung to mind was those prisoner forgiveness ones where they invite a victim to tell them how they feel about it. I was wondering whether it might have been an idea from a therapist he has or a self help group? A way for him to get closure for himself by apologising and admitting what he was & what he did. However, that's very selfish outside of a controlled situation as it needs to be with your agreement. If that's come from a therapist, if you ever found out, that's one for a serious complaint in my eyes!
Yes i think you're right re forgiveness. I remember a not so close family member asking me shortly after our court case/divorce 'Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive him' and that's always stuck with me.
Straight away i felt that the pressure had suddenly been put on me to forgive, let go, 'get over it'. From the endless list of things that man did making me lose my unborn child was what gave me the courage to report him. I can never forgive him for that.
Just like your partner, i don't feel the need to speak about it and never really did.
I'm not close with my family and in some ways i always felt like they disapproved of the divorce, especially my mum, she had a very old fashioned view of the world.
It is possible that it's some form of self help, as i have no idea what he's being doing all these years. I think it's very selfish of him to contact me but that's not surprising.
Anyway i'm putting my hopes on this chamomile tea to help me sleep, nothing worse than being sleep deprived, i just hope i can stay awake long enough for X factor tonight. (Did i just say that :blush:)
I was in a similar situation years back. Even though I moved country, he followed me. All I would suggest is that if he does know where you work, be on your guard when you leave work and make sure you are not being followed. I am not trying to scare you but be sensible. It may be that writing the letter is all he needs to do.
I was in a similar situation years back. Even though I moved country, he followed me. All I would suggest is that if he does know where you work, be on your guard when you leave work and make sure you are not being followed. I am not trying to scare you but be sensible. It may be that writing the letter is all he needs to do.
Hi Cherryade, that's dreadful. Yes I wouldn't take any chances with him thats for certain.
I'm not volunteering there anymore, the fact that he knows the general area in which I must live now unnerves me as I can't imagine it would be that hard to drive around and possibly even ask about. That's my anxiety talking.
I'm supposed to be going for a meal this evening, with my friend and her partner, and a 'blind date'. Can't say I'm looking forward to it at the moment, need to clear my mind of this.
There are some programs, like Terry has said, that encourage people to make amends to those who they have wronged. But that does NOT mean you have to accept it or forgive them.
Forgiveness is a weird subject for me. I don't think we have to forgive anybody for some of these abuses. I think acceptance is a little bit different and easier to consider, but even that takes a long time. And honestly, forgiveness does NOT have to mean you have decided that everything is alright and what they did was ok. I see it as more of finding peace within yourself to accept what happened, it's impact on you so that you can move forward with your life. It is more of a personal thing than anything to do with the other person. It doesn't even mean you have to ever see or talk to that person again. Does that make sense?
I don't agree with victims having to "forgive" the abuser, so to speak.
---------- Post added at 09:36 ---------- Previous post was at 09:35 ----------
As an aside, similar happened to me. I was abused by my brother-in-law and several months after, got a letter from him in a sneaky way (my sister addressed it to me as from my father on the envelope so I'd have to open it). I remember how upset I was. I tore it up in anger, even though I regretted that after - should have kept it just in case I needed evidence or something. But I can understand how upsetting it can be and hope you are alright. :hugs:
There are some programs, like Terry has said, that encourage people to make amends to those who they have wronged. But that does NOT mean you have to accept it or forgive them.
Forgiveness is a weird subject for me. I don't think we have to forgive anybody for some of these abuses. I think acceptance is a little bit different and easier to consider, but even that takes a long time. And honestly, forgiveness does NOT have to mean you have decided that everything is alright and what they did was ok. I see it as more of finding peace within yourself to accept what happened, it's impact on you so that you can move forward with your life. It is more of a personal thing than anything to do with the other person. It doesn't even mean you have to ever see or talk to that person again. Does that make sense?
I don't agree with victims having to "forgive" the abuser, so to speak.
---------- Post added at 09:36 ---------- Previous post was at 09:35 ----------
As an aside, similar happened to me. I was abused by my brother-in-law and several months after, got a letter from him in a sneaky way (my sister addressed it to me as from my father on the envelope so I'd have to open it). I remember how upset I was. I tore it up in anger, even though I regretted that after - should have kept it just in case I needed evidence or something. But I can understand how upsetting it can be and hope you are alright. :hugs:
Sorry to hear what you went through and thank you for replying. I was very close to ripping the letter up myself. Acceptance is something I've been working on for a long time. I don't feel I ever really got the help/support that I wanted at the time, and since then I've pretty much been isolated from everyone. By choice but because I don't feel I can have a relationship with these people, I guess I hold some degree of anger towards them for not being supportive and for what I felt like was me being judged.
Nobody ever said anything to me directly, but I was made aware during my court case that certain people who were supposed to be my friends/family had questioned why I stayed with him and why now that I decided to come out with it all, they hinted that I probably 'put up with it for his money'.
They'll never understand, and I suppose they never have to, it's done and gone but it's the reason why I separated myself from them. It's been a spiral of anxiety and depression from then on.
I have made some progress over the years, I had zero confidence at that time but have managed to rebuild some of that and live an independent life. It's the underlying anxiety and inability to allow myself to get close to anyone which is holding me back.
Anyway thank you for replying, I really appreciate it. Time to get myself ready and hopefully have a nice evening out.
Take care x
The evening went well. Very happy for getting myself out and having a good time despite my mind being elsewhere. I feel much better for it.
Sadie
I'm glad you had a nice evening :) Sometimes when we feel the worst it really can help to just have a change of scenery.
It must be so hard having people question why you stayed in the relationship. I cannot imagine how the relationship must have been for you ... and your reason for staying is personal, not something that should be judged for. Nobody can understand who did not live it.
Hi , well done on getting out and not letting it get to you , you deserve to be happy and get on with your life , I know you will have trust issues after what you've been through but there are so many good people out there and they definitely out number the bad , take care and maybe volunteer elsewhere .
lurchergirl
07-09-16, 22:29
Hello Sadie, just read through this thread and i really feel for you, stay strong. I really really hope you have heard the last from him but i would contact police if anything else at all, show him you are no longer scared of speaking out straight away. There is a domestic violence helpline that is open 24/7 on 0808 2000 247 they could give you advice if needed. Keep on pushing yourself to get out and about doing what you enjoy, you deserve it and even though i dont know you i am really proud of you for going.
Sadie, you have been through such a lot and seem to have come out of this a lot worse off than your ex which is so very unfair and unjust. It must have taken a huge amount of courage to rebuild your life and all credit to you for doing this.
Thank you everyone I very much appreciate your comments. Today hasn't been good but I'm taking each day as it comes.
Sadie, you have been through such a lot and seem to have come out of this a lot worse off than your ex which is so very unfair and unjust. It must have taken a huge amount of courage to rebuild your life and all credit to you for doing this.
Thanks Pulisa. It's difficult for me to think of it as courageous, i suppose when my anxiety is high it's hard to see any good. On my better days I am proud of myself, to have continued without much if any support, no matter how I dress it up it's been hell.
I've been receiving calls from 'private number' for the past two days. At similar times early morning, midday and 7-8pm. On my mobile, it could be sales/ppi ect.
It's been a long and difficult 3 weeks for me. All the calls were him, a friend or family member must have gave my information to somebody. I feel alone in the sense I cannot trust anyone anymore.
I answered the private number, realised it was him and hung up. Then he started sending text messages to me about meeting up, and did I get his letter. I ignored them all.
I have recently met a man who I like through mutual friends, we have been out a few times for food and I have been to his for dinner ect.
After being bombarded with calls/texts I replied to him saying that I had no intention of ever seeing him again, that I have met someone and for him to leave me alone or I will call the police.
He responded aggressively saying he will find out where I live, asking what I have to call the police about and 'see you soon' at the end.
I saved the text, then blocked the number. I'm distraught and don't think I can deal with this. I know I should have called the police by now. I am scared and I know that's what I must do, but I have started to finally move forward and have met this wonderful man, how an earth do I begin to tell him this without scaring him away.
Hi , you need to be straight with him you can't start off by hiding things or there will be no trust if he finds out , and you need to involve the police before things escalate , you shouldn't have to go through this crap non of its your fault , take care .
Hi , you need to be straight with him you can't start off by hiding things or there will be no trust if he finds out , and you need to involve the police before things escalate , you shouldn't have to go through this crap non of its your fault , take care .
I'm going to speak with him tonight, it's still very early so I don't want to overwhelm him but I do think I need to mention it. Thank you Buster
Hi Sadie just been reading thorugh this thread and have got the gest of your story! Iam sorry you are goig through thisI would simply block his number so he cant contact you. And hey you can and will trust again
I had a friend who I met a few months back we must have sent over 300 txts and thought everything was going well well it wasnt I had the run around with this person and lie after lie after lie he demanded money off me and because I was desperate for friendship I lent them £40 not any more he got abusive towards me and I was on the verge of a mental break down till I joined here pm'd a few members and got a message of some one who suffers from hoarding like I do etc got chatting and have their mibile phone number and have meet twice And get on great after the last perosn I met I didn't trust any one till this
member on here offered me a life line now my trust and confidence is restored. So dont suffer any more ok :)
Livinlavidaloca
07-10-16, 18:35
Hi, I just wanted to drop in and give some advice. I think in situations like this it's best to ignore the harasser because replying to them is giving them oxygen and even if you're saying that you never want to see them again they may see it as a game and they could interpret your communication in a different way to what you mean. Also I don't think there's any harm in making the police aware of your current situation as I'm sure they can offer you reassurance and support.
Just wanted to stop by and say that everything is going well for me, still struggling with sleeping patterns, I have started one on one councilling which is helping me greatly. Thankyou for your support,
Sadie
MyNameIsTerry
06-11-16, 07:13
Glad to hear things are going well for you, Sadie. :flowers:
If that other idiot contacts you or threatens you in anyway, get the plods onto him :nicked: It will all add up in any future case against him, but I hope he just goes away. Clearly his attitude was not about making amends, it was about being the same arse.
We're not all arseheads like your ex, whilst it may be difficult for you to trust men, this new guy might renew your faith in us. :hugs:
Well done on keeping going and not letting him win , hope things carry on getting better you deserve a break .:D
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