Vicious circle - ten years later

[elik]

Anxiety heightened because I'm stopping my own recovery. I feel sorry for my therapist, I feel he has repeated himself 344345 times and I'm just stubborn in the 'I can't'. Getting over a chunk of my anxiety means potentially raising my anxiety while I make changes but I don't feel strong to do so. I'm so stuck socially at the moment. I feel I'm getting to an age where I need to be independent etc and I'm hiding from it all. Im so insecure and weak. I'm incredibly vulnerable. I put huge amounts of pressure on myself to fit my high ideals set for myself. I victimize myself and there's some weird comfort in playing this part. I am feeling slightly bitter towards people around me (which is a feeling that scares me) because I feel hard done by and pushed over which is due to my lack of assertiveness and need to please. Easy solution for most, stand up for yourself... For me, panic panic panic. I really don't want to lose my easy going harmless demeanor I feel I associate standing up for myself etc as a negative and I need to be pleasing to Others because negative feedback ruins me and I cannot afford any dig at my intense security levels

---------- Post added at 05:16 ---------- Previous post was at 04:47 ----------

I am such a mess. I'm getting bitter and angry because I do all the leg work but I don't have a voice but then I wouldn't have it any other way because I don't want the guilt and I want to be easy going. So either way it's huge stress. How am I meant to cope with life when I'm this stressed when living at home and not working to when I eventually have to take this all on?? :huh:

[maya77]

Hi Elik,
I have had similar issues, maybe slightly less debilitating. But yeah, fear of criticism and judgement, always trying to say what others want me to say (with me this is only with people I don't know that well, I am very assertive with my family), afraid to say how I feel for fear of confrontation etc.Then feeling bitter and angry, like you've said, because of this. I have, however, changed recently, but I have been doing a lot of personal development stuff for my counselling course and it has helped me to understand myself better and also to be free to express myself in a non-judgmental environment. I think what's helped me is that I have become able to assess my strengths realistically and that has given me a big confidence boost. With that came the strength to be more authentic and assertive (but in a non-threatening way).
I am also a perfectionist, I put a lot of pressure on myself. Anything less then perfect is anxiety and stress inducing etc. Maybe try and see that no one is perfect and there's no need for it. It's good to do your best, but be realistic about standards you set for yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Try to reduce the gap between your "real self" and "ideal self" or start with exploring what that means. Being your authentic self is the best way to live, it's not easy to get there but it is possible. Try and think about your defensive mechanisms and explore why you feel that way. The better you know yourself, the easier it will get. And try overcome all-or-nothing thinking.